Sneaking purchases...
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| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:10am |
I was reading another board about sneaking purchases past their husband's. I know I use to sneak before we started doing our finances together. I would actually come home during lunch to get the mail or unload packages. I was pitiful. Even now, I will bring things in the house and wince thinking how upset Devin would be with me.
So, have you ever hid purchases or not told your DH the whole picture of your finances? We use to horrible fights about finances. I would do the weekly budget and e-mail him it. We would discuss it and everything was fine. Then, he would tell me two days later that he was doing a marathon that cost $75.00. I had to actually ask him before we did the budget-Do you have any marathons? Do you need shoes? Do you have any equipment you need? Can you tell I

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You and I are in an excellent position to know what's in the heads of dcps. The WOHPs see only one side of the dcp, unless they get the frequent opportunity, like Kerry88 and Sweetswah, to get to the home or center when the dcp doesn't have her happy face on awaiting mom or dad. I mean, it's tough enough dealing with my own children's tantrums, dirty diapers, potty accidents, arguments, etc. I can't imagine doing the same for a larger group of other people's children without putting up a healthy mental distance between provider and child; "this is the 20th filthy diaper I've changed today, but that's okay because it's almost 5 pm." And, often, thinking at the same time that, geez, I'm being way underpaid here while Ms. Smith dashes off in her new Honda and I have to take the bus home again.
That kind of mental distance is actually healthy. Admiration for the easiest of the children should not be confused with loving them. And I think it's quite demeaning to pay someone to do an excellent job with one's child, and then impose an additional burden on them of thinking they love one's child too. It's just a job, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with conceding that.
I think that's a huge part of being human that I don't think is being taken into account when WOHPs here allege that the majority of dc providers "love" their children. These dc workers are alleged to be able to overcome doing a lot of, yes, grudge work (changing dirty diapers, handling many tantrums, vomit, sickness, fights, sleep fighting, etc) and still love the children. But, at the same time, it's only human that some of these workers are a little envious (or worse - jealous) of the parents with better lifestyles, and that in turn affects feelings toward the children. Are they then still going to love the children, or perhaps simply admire and care for them to the best of their ability?
There is so much missing from WOHMs' claim that dcps Love the children. The part about all workers being human, having human emotions, having their own lives, etc. I have no problem with a healthy, emotional distance between an excellent dcp and child. It's human, and perhaps it explains the majority of dcps, not the minority. Sometimes being a dcp is just a job, and one that is often undervalued in our society.
Here you go again .. putting your situation onto others.
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I believe, wholeheartedly, that your kids are better with you SAH. I have no reason to doubt that and not one of us has said so.
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Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
Why is it unrealistic to say that "it's a different kind of love". I certainly don't love my children the way that I love my husband. I don't have the same expectations, relationship, wishes or desires. My love for my friends is very different from my love for my husband, which is very different from my love for my sister, or my parents or....but surely you understand this??
And again, there is no automatic relationship between unconditional love and paying (or not) for child care. My sister loves my children unconditionally, she would not however (nor would I ever expect her to) regularly watch my children without some kind of pay. However much she loves my children, having 2 children in addition to her own 2 to care for on a regular basis is more work. She would gladly help me out in an emergency but as a regular thing, no way...however much she loves my children unconditionally. I have also pointed out that dd's dcp have absolutely no direct connection of any kind between the presence of a particular child and money being paid. It works pretty much like school. The county that runs the dc facilities in my area care enough about the well-being of children (no they don't love them, they usually don't even know them) to not kick them out of dc the second a parent can no longer pay. So it would seem that even is situations where no love is involved, simple caring is enough to make money irrelevant.
Out of curiosity, what is it that you think changes fundamentally about children that makes it ok for them at age 5 to spend 30+ hours per week with teachers who, presumably, don't love their charges but at least care about them and care for them? If you are prepared to do this with your children, why do you think it is detrimental to a child to spend 30+ hours per week at age 4 or 3 with caregivers or teachers who care about them and take care of them?
"You and I are in an excellent position to know what's in the heads of dcps. The WOHPs see only one side of the dcp, unless they get the frequent opportunity, like Kerry88 and Sweetswah, to get to the home or center when the dcp doesn't have her happy face on awaiting mom or dad."
Ok, please explain to me why two people who have never worked as dcp and have never used dc would have a better idea of what's in the heads of dcp than WOHPs (or for that matter, actual dcp, two of whom have written quite clearly that they love the children in their charge). I really really don't get this. Why do you think you know better? You don't have the experience, you only have your imagination to go on...are you suggesting that you as a SAHP are better able to imagine what dc is like than a WOHP? Why? As for kerry88, the impression I had was that she caught the problem on the first day when dropping in unexpectedly. Maybe I'm wrong, but I assumed that most WOHPs have frequent opportunities to drop by unexpectedly. I come quite a bit earlier than usual about once a week and dd is dropped off at unexpected times (she has a schedule but we don't have to follow it ridgidly and parents are welcome to drop by at any time of the day). In the case of dd's dc, parents are dropping in on a daily basis any time after 11-11:30am. In other words, parent start picking up kids from around that time (it is a preschool as well as a dc) and they don't follow a rigid schedule either. Since I know many of the parents quite well, it is pretty easy to compare notes about how things are going at different times during the day.
" I mean, it's tough enough dealing with my own children's tantrums, dirty diapers, potty accidents, arguments, etc. I can't imagine doing the same for a larger group of other people's children without putting up a healthy mental distance between provider and child; "this is the 20th filthy diaper I've changed today, but that's okay because it's almost 5 pm." And, often, thinking at the same time that, geez, I'm being way underpaid here while Ms. Smith dashes off in her new Honda and I have to take the bus home again."
There are several unfounded assumptions here:
1) that dcp have as tough a time dealing with "children's tantrums, dirty diapers, potty accidents, arguments, etc." as you do. However much a person wants to be a SAHP, it doesn't mean that they are tempermentally suited for dealing with those kinds of things 24/7. A dcp may well be better suited to dealing with this than a parent is (I am not speaking personally here...I didn't find the baby/toddler stage to be tough, though it was a lot of work. I happened to enjoy the work very much). Several dcp I know went into the field because they love the baby/toddler stage warts and all. Some people have infinitely more patience and understanding for the early years than they do for the later years and vice versa. Just because you personally find it hard to deal with your own children doesn't mean that someone else would automatically find it as hard or harder to deal with them. That is not to say that all dcp would find it easier than parents, just that there is no automatic reason for why it would be harder for dcp. Personally, I would think putting up a mental distance would make it even harder to care for a group of children....I would imagine that it would lead to a lot more resentment.
2) that dcp are so underpaid that they resent the parents of the children they are caring for. I know that a lot are underpaid but I know that others are no worse paid than teachers at school and make a fairly decent living. I actually make less than dd's dcp in spite of a graduate degree. And most of the dcp drive pretty darned nice cars themselves :-).
" Admiration for the easiest of the children should not be confused with loving them. And I think it's quite demeaning to pay someone to do an excellent job with one's child, and then impose an additional burden on them of thinking they love one's child too."
The only way that one could possibly "demean" someone is by *expecting* them to love one's child. If that person has on his/her own expressed love for one's child how on earth is this demeaning??
Laura
Then don't take that risk. None of us have advised you to. None of us have told you your choice is wrong, or worse than other choices you have made.
But that risk is worth it for most of us.
Hollie
http://attach.prospero.com/n/docs/docDownload.aspx?guid=7E117344-D332-46AD-A2B2-30B19FAEACCF&webtag=iv-pssahwoh
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
Because your method of defending it tends to be putting down those that do WOH.
Defend what you do by knowing, and saying, that you made the best choice for your children. Don't defend it by saying that you made a better choice for your children than we made for ours.
Hollie
http://attach.prospero.com/n/docs/docDownload.aspx?guid=7E117344-D332-46AD-A2B2-30B19FAEACCF&webtag=iv-pssahwoh
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.
"For my children, the effects would be and are obvious, and that is the experience I can speak from, and I'm quite certain that you probably arent' interested in my experience, as you will certainly spout how it doesn't apply to you."
I'm certainly interested in your experience.
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I agree that children can certainly suffer harm while in othercare, at home, with friends or in school.
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