Stay at home NCP SM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Stay at home NCP SM?
58
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 2:22pm

Hello, I wanted to get some thoughts or ideas from women that stay at home or chose not to because its very likely that I will either work part time or become a full time housewife.


Heres the thing, I have worked my whole life. I have always worked full time and often over time, and some times even more then one job. I got married at 16, divorced by 17 and was living fully on my own and supporting myself as I do not have any family to help me. Many years have passed and I have done pretty well for my self. So work has always been a big part of my life.


Now, I am with, and have been with for some time, a wonderful man who wants to take care of me. He is also capable of doing so pretty well. He has 2 boys that live with their mom, but we often have them for a week here and there, weekends and even a solid month in the summers. We often go do things like going out of state to visit (his)family, vacations etc.


I still pretty much work full time as a store manager and I love my job for the most part. However since I take a considerable amount of time off I feel its not so fair to my employer. Though they have said nothing

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:53pm

I would be very cautious without the benefit of marriage.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 5:06pm

Something just hit me. How can your SO's ex still be a sahm? Did she remarry or is she independently wealthy or live with relatives?

I know one single sahp and he is retired from the military and a widow (who was a Captain in the Navy before she died). So he has other income.

I was in my thirties when I had my first too. I would suggest that if you and your SO want to have children- not to wait too too long (like more than a year or two) or else it might prove to be more difficult than anticipated. It took us 18 months to conceive (with drugs) and I was nearly 33 when ODS was born.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 5:23pm

How much does SO currently cook and clean at home? That is sometimes a bone of contention when one partner stay at home.

*Sometimes* the wohp thinks that because he/she is at work all day, then they don't have to lift a finger when they get home. This can be hard on the sahp - especially if they are also caring for a newborn or other children. IME, in the relationships that work, the wohp also does some of the housework (maybe not as much as the sahp, but definitely something.)

It is all in the expectations though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 6:16pm

She is a SAHM because she gets $2k in CS, SO is paying her car payment (per divorce CO), Her house is paid for and SO helps out w/extras such as clothes, gas etc. She does sometime do something with her twirling like teaching or something that pulls in a lil extra but only like a couple hundred here and there.


On having a child, I want to wait until his youngest is a little bit older. I also would like to let our relationship mature more as well. I am still a little selfish and have some things I want to try and get done before I bring a child into the world. I had decided to not have children, but now meeting my SO, I have some what come around to thinking it may not be a bad thing. I love his boys, and helping with them and sharing their life has almost made me want to experience actually being a mother. He loves his children, and loves being a father so he often tells me that if I want to be a mother he would not mind but he wont be upset if I decide not to. So pretty much its on me wether or not I want kids. Like I said, I will wait on it for a few years. But his oldest

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 6:19pm
You know, honestly I can not believe how much of a help my SO can be around the house! In my previous relationships, even though I worked FT, I was still exspected to clean and cook everything. But SO actaully helps clean, sometimes cook, and even does his laundry most of the time. I think thats where we should discuss what would be exspected of me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 7:25pm

Since you are asking for opinions, here's mine: These children already have a mother, and they don't need you. And what your SO says about their mom, may or may not be true. There is no point in giving up your career for someone else's children, and for a man who is not your husband.

Even if you don't believe in marriage, you are missing out on the legal benefits if he doesn't marry you, meanwhile you'd be caring for his children, cooking for him and cleaning his home. Doesn't sound like a fair shake to me. But its your life, do what you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 3:03am
Do what makes YOUR heart sing (or at least hum along, y'know)? That might be working FT, or PT or the photography gig or whatever.

************

Kitty

The horrifying consequences of underaged
baking cannot be overstated.--me, because there's nothing you can't learn from teh
interwebz

************

Kitty

"If you can't annoy somebody with what you write, I think there's little point in writing."-- Kingsley Amis, British novelist, 1971 t .

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 7:10am

I do realize that everyone has a difference in opinion about how active an SM should or shouldnt be. In our house/lives me being an active SM works for us. And we have no issues with BM, so far. I do realize they have a mother, that is why I am SM not mother. I dont take them to school, doctors apts, etc. But I do cook, clean, change diapers, correct misbehaviors, potty train etc. When we have the boys, I take up the empty parental roll w/the boys (as SM). This is what works for SO and I. Also to note, I know both him and his XW, so I do know more about them and the way they were, etc (she had no problems telling the world their issues and how she had it sooo bad). Not to mention, they still fight over some of the things at times. (His XW stayed at home b4 they had kids and thats a big part of why she wanted FT daycare for them. Thats

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 7:15am
Thanks! I will def look into this. Hopefully it would help give me some good insight into the homemaker life! I just dont understand what is so belittleing/insulting/unthinkable about being a housewife/homemaker. It seems that if one was capable of doing so, it should be more of a luxury. Having more time to clean the house, cook, take care of errands, take care of pets/children,
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2009
Thu, 07-30-2009 - 7:19am
There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker. As long as the option is equally available to men on the same basis as you've outlined here.

************

Kitty

The horrifying consequences of underaged
baking cannot be overstated.--me, because there's nothing you can't learn from teh
interwebz

************

Kitty

"If you can't annoy somebody with what you write, I think there's little point in writing."-- Kingsley Amis, British novelist, 1971 t .