Stay at home NCP SM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Stay at home NCP SM?
58
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 2:22pm

Hello, I wanted to get some thoughts or ideas from women that stay at home or chose not to because its very likely that I will either work part time or become a full time housewife.


Heres the thing, I have worked my whole life. I have always worked full time and often over time, and some times even more then one job. I got married at 16, divorced by 17 and was living fully on my own and supporting myself as I do not have any family to help me. Many years have passed and I have done pretty well for my self. So work has always been a big part of my life.


Now, I am with, and have been with for some time, a wonderful man who wants to take care of me. He is also capable of doing so pretty well. He has 2 boys that live with their mom, but we often have them for a week here and there, weekends and even a solid month in the summers. We often go do things like going out of state to visit (his)family, vacations etc.


I still pretty much work full time as a store manager and I love my job for the most part. However since I take a considerable amount of time off I feel its not so fair to my employer. Though they have said nothing

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Avatar for rollmops2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2009
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 2:49pm
If you have the option, work PT. I think it is important to keep your hand in and to have a lifeline of your own.
Avatar for mommy2amani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 3:04pm

I didn't see you mention children of your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 3:06pm
Ditto here. I would have a hard time letting a man I WAS married to support me and bankroll my new venture. There's no way I would do it with a "significant other" in the supporting role. Too risky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:02pm

I know two child free couples where one partner "stays at home". Both were married for several years before quitting paid employment.

One is a "professional" volunteer- logging thousands of hours per year. She is a librarian by training and has set up numerous libraries for small non-profits. They also rent out three bedrooms in their house for interns who are working in social justice.

The other was an engineer before "retiring" after 20 years or so. She is now in an artistic guild and plying her trade an artisan knitter.

Both have abilities to go back to work to support themselves if their marriage turned sour (both have been married 20+ years though).

I would at least continue to work part time to build up a photographic career. I would also be married for several years where the relationship has established itself too.

Do you or your SO plan on marrying or having children?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:08pm

I dont have any children of my own. We have discussed having 1 child in a few years, but not completely decided on that yet. I have been trying to start up in photography on the side for almost a year, but since I am working full time, have pets to take care of, frequent trips, and sometimes 2 young boys, I dont get much time to tend to it. I have always dreamed, especailly when I was young and my grandmother was alive and she was a homemaker, of being a housewife/homemaker. I thought it was a great balance and they seemed to be way happy with it that way. But my grandfather was well to do and money wasnt an issue. However with my mom being a single mother for part of our lives and w/a deadbeat the other, she always had to work and I saw many other women that worked as well. They never seemed to be as happy and balanced with thier home lives and work lives as they never really had time for home lives due to working so much and trying to raise children. It just seems to me that it would make it easier for me to stay home more, clean, cook, and take care of the bills etc while my SO is at work and we would have more time afterwards together. As far as legal marriage, I have been married once. But marriage doesnt make a relationship more of a commitment to me. If you notice I call him a SO instead of BF, because to us its more then just dating/bf-gf, but not 'legally' married by the gov. KWIM? We have talked about it, but havnt decided on it since he has also been married and divorced. I dont really see it as a risk so much, as me not knowing what to really do. I think perhaps I should talk with him more on what would be exspected out of me from him?


Being able to help with his kids is a good part of it too. Since I dont make much, we usually pay a baby sitter bout as much as I get paid. I am also an active SM in thier lives and help take care of them so I would like to be able to be with them when they are here instead of a baby sitter. I wouldnt be trying to be dependent on a photography business to really put any type of income into our lives as photographers dont make much, it would really be me doing something I really enjoy and being flexible and not so commited to something for so much of my time to where I could keep my house clean, cook food, take care of errands, be available to go places w/my SO and help take care of the boys when they are with us. I realize that homemakers/housewives are pretty crazy to a lot of ppl and often looked down on these days, but i dont view it that way. It just seems fate had me cut out to work a lot when I was younger. But now I am in a position where financially its not nessicary for me to work, and my SO supports my decision either way. I mean really, my $1400 a mo? What diff does that make? Especially if I was working PT, not a big change for us. He makes more then 5x what I do, and were pretty frugal, his CS is the most exspensive thing we have to pay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:16pm

If your income is that low, I would consider quitting to go to college/some sort of post HS degree/certificate to get a skill that is marketable. That way, if finances make it necessary for you to work, you can get a better paying job.

Just curious, but how old are his children and your SO?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:18pm
Marriage isnt really seen as anything more then a government contract to recieve benifits, which are good, but not really sure of why to do it. But since it is the customary thing to do we have discussed it. He pointed out to me that I have never actually said that I would say yes if he asked me. Just a little while after that, and after some thought, I finally told him that without a doubt I would say yes. We also both agree that it would not be a traditional church wedding. Like I said in my earlier response, 1 child is a possiblity, but not for sure yet. He is satisfied with his 2 boys and the only reason we would try for a child
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:33pm

While working PT, I would be taking only photography courses and some here at the local community college. My SO is about to turn 32 and the boys are 3 1/2 and 6.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:43pm
But I do have to say that getting a degree/certificate as well is something to think on. Its actually a good idea, especailly if I did need something to pull in $. Like I said, its highly unlikely to make good money in photography. That is something else I will bring up in discussion. We havent really gotten to talk too much into me not working FT, just that he fully supports and him explaining how it would work before I say ok and thanks and change the convo. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:51pm

"Marriage isnt really seen as anything more then a government contract to recieve benifits, which are good, but not really sure of why to do it."


Not suggesting your relationship won't work out in the long term, but since you never know, isn't it better to be prepared?

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