In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:52pm

thanks, punkalicorn. who knows what i'll want to do when we get there... i'm mostly just concerned about even getting to that bridge at this point.

my husband and i laugh becuase we've read/heard so many things about breasfeeding, such as that breastfed children are smarter than bottle-fed children. but all of the kids in his (also large) family were breastfed and have learning disabilities, and my whole family was fed Similac, and none of us have learning disabilities. and i have to admit, we're a pretty bright and witty bunch. so i guess i have my own controlled study to look at, where i know all the people involved rather than looking at an anonymouse study.

so unfortunately, this is another one of those areas where studies and statistics do not convince me of anything. real life experience is where i draw most of my decisions from, which is why so many of your posts have been very valuable to me!

i'm not opposed to breastfeeding, whatsoever. to me it's really 6 of 1 or half dozen of the others, so who knows what i'll actually do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:53pm
I was confused because you said "Just because I say X is wrong that doesn't mean I am say Y is wrong"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:53pm

Really? Then how do you explain the fact adoption works? Babies require good care not a particular person providing that care. Adoption works because anyone who is reliable can care for a baby and they will do just fine.

Could you please support your claims with research? You are doing nothing but spouting off here. Several more hours in child care might affect bonding? In whose research study? In whose research study were aa child's morality and affected?

You're just making this up as you go along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:54pm
No dear, you have not. You posted a few biased sites and opoinions which happen to be wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:56pm
Do you have any clue what it would take for someone to have equal influence in a child's life IF influence were actually based on hours served?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-1997
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:58pm
I work outside the home, and I used daycare, and I could tell that there was a threshold of hours my kids would do OK in substitute care, but beyond that, I would see negative effects on their moods and behavior. Fewer hours when they were younger, more when they were older. I respected my kids' limits. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting that some kids can't tolerate long hours of separation well at some ages.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 3:59pm
Plus I found that having more than one person teaching some things really helped. For example, potty training. There's something to be said for going through that with a group of peers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:21pm
I find that it is generally best to politely enquire about the location of the poster before assuming that poster is in the same time zone. In many cases, people have provided the information in their profiles. Mine, for example, notes that I live in Sweden. A simple google search will provide the time differences between Sweden and various parts of the U.S..
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:22pm
She does have a right to believe whatever she wants, but getting taken seriously will take some doing.

Sabina

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:41pm

Research does show that breastfed babies in general have a higher IQ, although there are other factors such as diet, environment, genetics, even the pregnancy/birthing that contribute to a child's intelligence and mentality. There is no research to suggest breastfeeding can prevent learning disabilities or that formula causes them, only that breastfed babies end up being slightly more intelligent on a while. This is supported by research, but it's all statistics. Every baby will be different, and there are many factors that come into play. :)

I agree that real life experience is the best way to learn. However, I would suggest you talk to other people about their experiences with BFing & FFing, too, just so you can see what the odds are of your life experiences repeating themselves in your children. The main reason I recommend breastfeeding exclusively is because it decreases risk of allergies, ear infections, and other medical problems. It is easier on an infant's stomach,too. Every year you breastfeed, your risk of contracting breast cancer decreases. Breastfeeding certainly helped me lose my baby weight. It is a great bonding experience, and nursing can be very comforting to a baby. There are lots of benefits, all backed by research. However, breastfeeding won't be the only factor in whether you get cancer, lose your weight, or whether the baby has many ear infections. It can, however, be a helping hand in preventing less desirable things and encouraging more desirable things.

The big issue here is frugality, and breastmilk + bottles of expressed milk is much cheaper than buying formula! However, you may get free samples of formula from time to time. I did occasionally supplement with formula, before I knew about all the recalls and whatnot. I never had to buy a can. I just used what was given to me at the hospital and whatnot. So, if you try to use most expressed milk and use formula sparingly, you may get away with not ALWAYS having to pump but still not having to buy any formula.

Pages