In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:42pm
Because X & Y aren't the same thing. Believing that there's a such thing as too much daycare or a child being too young for daycare doesn't mean that I think ALL mothers who WOH are putting their child in daycare too young or having their children spend too much time in daycare, regardless of your interpretation. If you believe your child is ready, then I do. It varies case by case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:45pm
Because bonds don't have to be formed during infancy. You can form bonds at anytime in a child's life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:47pm

Once again, here you are calling my opinion wrong, when I have never stooped so low as to call yours wrong.

Prove that they are biased. Prove that the research is biased because they are biased, not that they are biased because of the research. Prove that the pro-WOH sites are biased because of research, not that the research is biased because of theri bias. How do you KNOW these people formed their opinion, then twisted research to prove it, but that pro-WOH sites do not? Prove it.

And, I highly doubt I am dear to you, so let's not patronize by using terms of endearment that we don't mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:49pm
Influence isn't only based on hours served, but that can be a factor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:51pm
A lot of things have been done on this board, not just by me, that I don't consider generally polite. I don't see why I should be held to a higher standard of courtesy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:54pm
LOL. Well, my mom can be a bit of a crackpot, but I still take it very seriously. I know it's important to her and that it's what she believes, so I don't belittle it. In any case, I think life experience is just as good for basis of opinion as statistical research. I also think it is possible to debate with opinions and ideas, rather than only facts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 4:57pm

yes, i'm sure when we get there, i'll take more interest in the subject. as of now, the only reason i'd do it would be for the frugality.

a few of my friends' babies have had a lot of allergy and ear infection problems (one even had to have tubes put in and his speech was delayed because of the hearing problems, and all of them were breastfed. and again, in my family we have no allergies or ear infection problems. so i guess when it comes down to it, i lean pretty strongly towards formula feeding, but i'll definitely read and pay a lot more attention to the subject when we get pregnant!

my genes are like carbon copies of my mom and dad, so i tend to stick with what worked for them, since they (and us, their children) have turned out to be very healthy. why fix what's not broke, ya know? ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:02pm
I didn't say you should be. You asked how it was possible to tell. I gave some suggestions. You are certainly are welcome to ignore those suggestions, but you may want to keep in mind for the future that not everyone is posting from the same time zone so your assumptions about when they are posting or what they "ought" to be doing at that time may be wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:05pm

Yes, I am calling it wrong because research doesn't support your opoinion. Research has not shown that maternal bonding is based on hours but rather on qualitative measures like maternal sensitivity. Your opinion may be otherwise but research says it's wrong.

Research does not support a link between morality and time spent in day care. Research does not declare a certian number of hours of day care ok and anything more not.

Your opoinion doesn't stand up to the light of day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:09pm

Prove it. Show me research that says hours served matter with regard to things like bonding out side of extremes. How about a link between morality and time spent in day care since you tout that one too.

Research does not support hours mattering but rather qualitative attributes. For example, it doesn't matter if mom WOH or SAH WRT how our kids turn out but moms educational attainment does matter regardless of her working status. Hours in day care are not linked to maternal bonding either positively or negatively but maternal sensitivity is. Research supports that quality matters more than quanitity and there is nothing to support that increased quantity can overcome lack of quality. It doesn't matter how many hours a child spends with an uneducated mother, the results will still be less than those for kids who have educated mothers.

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