In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:14pm

Even if you count just waking hours, you're talking 60 hours a week in day care just for the dcp to be even with the parents. Given that it's not even legal here to leave a child in day care that long, that ain't happening either.

Even if a child did spend more time with a dcp than her parents, the fact that the dcp goes away when school starts but the parent don't comes into play. Where will the dcp's influence be when they are no longer in the picture?

When all is said and done, parents end up the people to put in the most hours even if day care is used to an extreme. However, this isn't an hours game. Quality matters more than quantity. Time spent in substandard care (parental or day care) will harm no doubt but if care is good, you're not really going to see one care situation trumping another.

It is possible for people to develop special relationships with special people without spending much time with them. I have a special bond with my aunt in spite of not seeing her much. She and I just click.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:15pm
Didn't you claim sleep time counts if you co sleep?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:16pm
I'm glad that you'll read and think a lot about the subject first. Knowing is half the battle! (Go GI Joe, LOL). But yeah, your family history will definitely come in to play. A lot of things will. It's amazing all the different things that affect our lives! Formula feeding worked for my mom, but breastfeeding has worked for me. Do what works best for you. Your children are different from any other children in the whole world. We are all unique. Except for identical twins... hehe :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:19pm
Well, I've seen research that supports both sides, so I think both sides are valid. There is research that suggests yours is wrong, too. You can't prove it's biased, that the research is a result of bias rather than it's the other way around...so you can call it invalid, but that doesn't make it true. Just as I can't prove the same about your research. I don't think there's 100% proof either way. I don't care that you think my opinion doesn't stand up to the light of day. There are many who do, but what others think of my beliefs isn't really something that I care much about. I like to share them and hear other people's ideas, but whether or not you think my opinion is valid makes no nevermind to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:21pm

well given what a sharp cookie YOU have turned out to be, i am all the more likely to formula feed if that's what your mom did. LOL!

and just for laughs: my husband ALWAYS says that! "knowing is haf the battle."

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:22pm
Once again, I did. I could scout for hours, but you'd probably call every site I posted biased--despite not having any proof. I won't be posting any more research, as I've stated again and again. If you won't respect it, I won't go find it. There is research supporting both opinions on the matter, whether you acknowledge it or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:26pm
It depends on your situation. If you're co-sleeping, and your child sleeps through the night and so do you, you're not really awake spending time with them. However, if your child wakes throughout the night to nurse, as you do, then that time (not the sleeping time) is indeed awake time spent together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:32pm
LOL! Well, if you think I'm such a sharp cookie, it would be just as logical to follow my lead with breastfeeding as it would be to follow my mother's with formula-feeding! I've learned a lot about breastfeeding in the past 14 months. I am just so in awe of it. (Did you know men can lactate?!) I think if you were to learn more about it you'd be in an equal state of wonderment. If you want some sites I'll check my favorites and post some for you. Reading never hurt anyone. Even if you breastfeed and give formula as well, that's still great. Any amount of breastmilk is better than none. You'd be amazed of the other things it can do...help heal a cut without infection, be used as an alternative to saline spray for infant congestion, help cure pinkeye. There are even cancer patients who've drunk breastmilk and attribute it to helping them conquer their illness! If you do give formula though I do know of ways of saving money on it. I'll share those with you, too, if you like. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 5:33pm
Opinions and ideas are fine but are very hard to distinguish from superstition, mistakes,

Sabina

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:11pm
okay, okay, you've convinced me to at least consider reading more aobut it some day. don't spend your time sending me links now, though... i'll surely not even be interested for at least another year or two... dealing with the bigger issue of moving out of state, at the moment! ;-) thanks for all the 4-1-1.

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