In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:18pm
Yay! Just make the someday before the birthday, lol! And you're welcome. I'm sorry if I seem overbearing. It's just something I feel VERY strongly about...one of many things, as I'm sure you've seen so far!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:23pm
oh, no need to apologize to me! i am a big girl and capable of making up my own mind; at least you are able to offer your differing opinion in such a way that i actually consider it, unlike some folk on this board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:30pm

Kids usually have no issues with that they are used to and they will have a reaction to changes in what they are used to. That shouldn't be mistaken for a threshold of hours to spend in day care. Once given time to get used to a new routine, it becomes the preferred routine.

You are confusing children's resistance to change with a threshold in hours for day care.

My kids hours in day care have changed both ways over the years. With each change, I saw a reaction but give it a few weeks and there was none.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:32pm

And this ties into your previous post in what way?

My point is that babies are not born to bond to one particular person. That adoption works shows that clearly. They are born to bond but they will bond with any caregiver who is consistently there for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:33pm
A lot of 'lactivists' fit the 'boob nazi' stereotype. Rather than just politely talk about their own experiences, share a bit of their knowledge, they ram it in your face and jsut scream "RAWR breastfeeding." Intimidation is no way to influence someone. Invalidating their reasons and decisions doesn't work either. I try very hard not to be rude when I'm trying to pursuade someone to look into breastfeeding. It is very reassuring that you say I've offered my views in a way that you actually consider it. Everytime I talk about this subject I'm afraid I'm going to come off the wrong way. People just get so defensive about it and just look for reasons to assume you're being pushy/mean/etc. Even as I was typing to you about how it can be used to clear up baby congestion, I was afraid I might be overdoing it, just scaring you off, rather than actually being helpful. So, I'm really glad that you say I offered the information in a good, positive way that was actually pursausive. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:35pm

For snapshots in time, it goes both ways but in the long run, neither choice is superior. The fact it goes both ways shows that which we choose is not an issue. So does the fact that in the end you won't be able to tell the difference between our kids.

How can you support SAH as THE way when you admit research goes both ways?

While it does, I have yet to see anytyhing that is significant enough to change one's working status over. The few differences they do find seem to disappear on their own over time which indicates that maternal working status simply is not anything to be concerned with with regard to how our kids turn out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:36pm

ROTFLMAO. Do you make this up as you go along to fit whatever it is you want to say at the moment??? '

Either sleep time counts or it doesn't. Take your pick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:37pm
I think she's a much better person to interpret observations she makes about her children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:38pm
And I'd rather the caregiver be me, not me AND a DCP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 6:40pm
Research can only carry you so far when there's a great deal swinging both ways. Then you have to chose which side makes the most sense to you and feels right. I have chosen.

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