In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:01am

I didn't realise you knew Lois' kids personally? I can't otherwise understand how you could 1) possibly know more about their reaction to longer hours and general psychological make-up than she does, and 2) how much time Lois gave for an adjustment period.

I think you need to come to grips with the fact that statistics do not always apply to the individual.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:05am

"Do they give the same funds to moms who stay in the work force? If not, why not if it's not intended to be an enticement to SAH. I'm sure WM's could use the money to pay for excellent day care which would be a benefit for their children."

Sweden does both...offers excellent vacation benefits for parents AND basically hands parents money for excellent quality care through heavy subsidies. What is it that the U.S. does to help dual WOHPs again? Oh, that's right...they penalize people who marry and have dual incomes. Whoops.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:39am
You can actually change the time/date stamp to reflect your local time; it's under board settings. Makes it a lot easier for me to keep track of my own posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:44am
I don't think any WOHP who uses other care would argue that the provider is a BIG influence in their child's life. Only that the DCP is the *biggest* influence, which is what you originally claimed. Studies have shown, over and over, that parents are the biggest influence in children's lives--even over and above peer influences during the teen years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:20am
Thanks for the tip! I didn't realise that. But I think that even if I change my time stamp, the time will appear in local time other posters have set. At least, I don't think you've posted this at 2:39am your time :-)? That's how it shows up for me as I still have the time stamp set to eastern seaboard. So I think other posters may still not realise what the local time is that one is posting at...if that makes sense?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 8:42am

Okay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:45am

i used to post on the breastfeeding board in order to contradict the damage done by people like you--people who twist the facts and likelihoods in the name of misguided breastfeeding "advocacy," but who mostly serve just to discourage women who would otherwise consider and succeed at breastfeeding.

the agony and fear expressed (at least back in the day) on the working and pumping and breastfeeding boards over the hysterical cries about "nipple confusion" and "supply problems," and the hand-wringing that one might as well quit, since success or continuation was rumored to be so very unlikely, was fueled mainly by ill-informed but presumably well intentioned histrionics like yours.

why so many breastfeeding "advocacy" sites and self-proclaimed advocates think that they are doing good by touting a massively inflated risk of nipple confusion, supply and pumping problems, and other related horrors is beyond me. the likelihood of (major-)problem-free success at breastfeeding is actually very good; the breastfeeding rates and durations among working mothers are comparable to those of sahms at all measures up to 18 months and actually higher than for sahms at a number of key periods. breastfeeding is more closely associated with maternal education than with maternal employment. women with more education are more likely to breastfeed, and also more likely to continue working, to have jobs that will allow them to afford good childcare options, and to provide comfortable opportunities for pumping. education, not sah, is the engine that runs this train. unfortunately, women who are trying to get on it are regularly knocked around by people who care more about using breastfeeding to browbeat women for woh than about an accurate depiction of breastfeeding.




Edited 8/29/2006 10:11 am ET by chimaira
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:05am

Not sending him off to daycare for many hours a day many days a week gives me total domination over my child's life, forever


I have total domination over my childs life and she was a daycare child.


And oh no. God forbid I, the parent, have control over my child's influences.


What makes you think us wm's have no control over

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:08am

.....nor do children (or adults for that matter)

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:09am
I did have a lot of horrors to deal with in breastfeeding, but I was definitely not the norm among friends and family. Even so, my problems lasted about 12 weeks, and after that I'm pretty sure I could have managed to combine bf and working. I've known a lot of people who have managed to combine work and breastfeeding without any problems at all. Some have done exclusively bm with lots of pumping, others have supplemented with formula. Being well-informed is the key.

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