In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:09am

....of course, personal preference comes into play.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:20am

<<I have total domination over my childs life and she was a daycare child.>>


You know, come to think of it...I

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 12:25pm
No they don't cause oh yeah its called MAT leave not everybody leave. But the gov't does pay both SAH and WOH money. Do you know what that money is? I am sure you do since I have told you ample times that our gov't implemented a new "universal Tax" to help woh moms with d/c costs and sah moms get it too in order to help with diapers/clothes/preschool. So YES we help both SAHM and WOHM equally. Cause the WOHM were able to sah up to a year before having to go back to work and now they get a little extra money towards d/c when they return to work. WHAT A GREAT INCENTIVE to help moms re enter the work force and NOT FEEL FORCED to sah. Wow concept. Do you get it yet?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:21pm

Hello Daisychain9,

I am glad you found my response to be encouraging. I read some of the other responses you received. On the subject of being too old. I was married pretty young, I was 22 when my husband and I decided to start a family. I did not conceive until I was 32 years old. My second child arrived when I was 37 ( both natural pregnancies and 2 very healthy girls)I know, I know they say when you get older it gets a bit harder. As you can see, being young did not help in my case. So, I would not worry too much about your age either.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 2:05pm

Perhaps I am just enjoying my time because soon middle school/high school and college will be upon me and unless it's money related, I will lose control.


Ha ha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:08pm

Sorry, but you're mistaken. First off, I've never twisted the facts or likelihoods, nor have I done anything to discourage women from brastfeeding--only to do what is most helpful to maintain a breastfeeding relationship, such as not supplementing or assuming that pumping alone will definitely be enough to keep up their supply. According to a study done by BabyTalk magazine, only 10% of working women were still breastfeeding at 6 months despite the AAP's recommendation of a year of breastfeeding and the WHO's two-year recommendation. I doubt 90% of working women would have quit early if breastfeeding/pumping were a breeze, as you all seem to believe. According to the CDC's 2003 immunization study, only 36% of all babies are still being breastfeed at six months. I really doubt that the remaining 64% are just selfish, hated breastfeeding, or decided to quit early because formula is more nutritious. The bulk of them probably had problems, and people like YOU who tout how easy breastfeeding is rather than acknowledging the hurdles and educating a person on how to overcome them make beleive believe that breastfeeding is easy...so when they have problems, they assume they weren't meant to breastfeed, that something so natural should come easy, and that they just must not be 'good enough' since they've only heard how easy breastfeeding is. According to the BabyTalk study, half of the women they interviewed who weaned early did so because they ran into obstacles, such as low supply, latch problems, even nipple confusion.

There are many companies who provide adequate pumping time and facilities, and many who do not. Pumping alone can keep your supply up for a while; however, to facilitate a long-term nursing relationship, breastfeeding straight from the boob is best. Moreover, the AAP states that breastmilk from the boob is the msot potent source of nutrients and antibodies. Second-best is expressed milk, followed by milk from a wet nurse. Pumping will not ruin every breastfeeding relationship, but it can be a key factor in early weaning. Medication and nutritional supplements may help some but are not always enough to help everyone, nor are they enough that they always work on a long-term basis. Not every baby will take bottles. Mine wouldnt. A poster on another thread "SAH doesn't support change" had the exact same problem. If it was so uncommon, why would two people on the exact same thread just happen to share that problem? Nipple confusion, low supply, etc. won't be a problem for everyone. However, they are very real, very common hurdles in a breast-feeding relationship especially when you have to express milk as well.

Why else do you think Canada would give benefits for a year to women who SAH? It's not so they won't return to work; it's so they will breastfeed. Nursing is hard enough and has enough obstacles for many to overcome, from engorgement to mastitis to soreness, without making it more difficult by HAVING to find a time and place to pump often enough to keep up the supply, HAVING to alter your diet and take medications to keep your supply up (imagine how hard that would be if you were ALREADY on a hypoallergenic diet because your child wasn't tolerating something you were eating). There are MANY pro-BFing websites, regardless of their stance on woh/sah, that want the same benefits for women here...not so we won't return to work, but so that more women will breastfeeding. Nursing has immense benefits for mother and child, and I applaud Canada for acknowledging that, just as I applaud BabyTalk and the CDC for telling the truth about breastfeeding.

I would NEVER state that someone 'might as well quit.' I would say that if they had to supplement with formula, that's better than switching to formula altogether. I would say that if they CAN breastfeed exclusively, that's best, but if they can't, they should breastfeed as much as possible. Any breastmilk is better than none at all, and I don't know of ANY breastfeeding sites that say "Well, if you're going to work, you might as well quit!" I have only seen those that acknowledge the risks, advise you on how problems that arise can be handled, encourage you not to give up because of a hurdle, state that any breastmilk is better than none at all, and lobby for better working conditions. Show me one site that states a working mother should just quit (or where it is I have said that).

If you want more statistics proving this, I can go find them and links. There's a massive amount of information on there, and this is one topic I actually do know something about. If you want to prove me wrong, get some real evidence. There's a big difference between believing that you can have too mcuch of a good, or bad, thing and believing that something is SO easy when the facts and statistics CLEARLY state otherwise. Or is that HUGE number of people who do NOT breastfeed just a big group of people who hated it, thought formula was more nutritious, or who just didn't feel like doing it? Personally I'd rather believe they were people who didn't have enough information, support, and who were duped into believing breastfeeding was 100% easy and thus didn't ask an LC for help, didn't realize it could have hurdles, thus didn't get educated about those hurdles and just quit, believing "Well, I must just be someone who can't do it." I'd rather believe it's because they ran into obstacles like low supply, inadequate pumping time & facilities, or medical problems. I'd rather believe it was nipple confusion than to think that ALL of those women just didn't feel like breastfeeding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:11pm

"What makes you think us wm's have no control over our child's influences."

I never said that. That was in response to a post insinuating that a parent shouldn't have control over their child's influences and that I was somehow doing my child wrong by doing that.

"You are very young and have barely lived an adult life outside of motherhood so don't assume you know anything about the real world since you have been at home with a small child your entire adult life."

Hey. Sweetheart. When you've lived my life, then you can tell me what I know about the real world. You don't know anything about my childhood and what I've been through, and I'm not going to tell you my life story to prove my equality. I'm not going to go through a "you show me your scars, I'll show you mine" bit just to demonstrate that caring for a child and being married aren't the only adult things I've had to deal with.

"you can't blame all of society for downfalls of certain children."

No, but I can certainly blame the attitude. In fact, I can blame whatever I want. It's called an opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:15pm
Breastfeeding was mostly a breeze for me. The first six weeks were difficult, as I was very sore and engorged. I dealt a bad case of mastitis and two milder cases of it. I've also had supply problems here and there. I managed to get over it, but not everyone does. I know a lot of people who combine work and breastfeeding, but I know many who don't. Being well-informed can go a long way, but even those who are well-informed and try their hardest can still fail. Not everyone manages to do it, and adding working to the mix can add more obstacles. That is one of the reasons for Canada's encouraging women to stay home the first year, to make breastfeeding easier and eliminate the obstacles that can arise when you have to pump and work. I'm not saying breastfeeding is always hard, that everyone will have obstacles, that everyone will fail. I am saying that there are many women who do have to overcome hurdles and that working can indeed create more hurdles, and not everyon emanages to overcome them just as not everyone manages to overcome the hurdles that come just with breastfeeding as a SAHM.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:16pm
And yet a few posts ago I was chastised for believing that I, as a parent, should control my child's influences. The whole "domination over your child's life" was someone else's words, judging me for keeping my child away from what I don't think he's ready for, insinuating that I was a control freak because I don't think my 14 month-old is ready for Fred Phelps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:29pm

You are very wrong on this. I can post many more links if you like.

http://www.aafp.org/afp/20031201/2199.html

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