In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 9:51pm
I think they're just wanting kids to be well-taken care of. I don't think it's about wanting women to chose to SAH at all. That's how it seems to me. *shrugs* Mom at home for a year, quality affordable daycare... wouldn't you be a happy kid if your government made that possible? I would.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:42pm
It's not unusual for toddlers to self-wean earlier than age 2, if they can get enough to drink from other sources. Once walking, lots of children become impatient with the position imposed by nursing; mine did. I gave him pumped milk for another 6 months, but by 14 months he was having nothing to do with the boredom of having to be still whilst eating. This was echoed in the experiences of several women I know. I also self-weaned at about this age myself, so my mother said.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:48am
lol... "The effect wears off"... Um no! If your kid is influenced while attending d/c it doesn't just go away. Anything your taught is stuck with you good or bad. You can choose to act on it or not. So if you came from an abusive family and taken away at age 6 those scares of mental abuse would just "wear off" once they hit school? It stays with them. Not saying they can't be great ppl but what they learn is always with them. What they learn will always stay with them. Like manners. If you teach them manners and they go to school and all their friends don't have any manners are ther effects at home going to just "wear off". NO!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:51am

"You really have no clue do you? No matter how many times someone is going to explain that women go back, quite often, to their jobs, you're just going to think we're lazy women playing house."

Absolutely couldn't have said it better myself:) Loved it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 12:55am
Good thing you didn't waste your time listing more reasons than those cause it doesn't matter. I've personally listed those and more and Sunkist mom has too. And many many more posters. Apparently, the posts are invisable to some posters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:06am
You're absolutely right. Toddlers given other sources of nourishment and taught to self-soothe do indeed wean earlier than those who continue to be nursed many times a day throughout toddlerhood. Corbin has gone through times when he's not been interested in nursing. I just back off, give him what he wants...and then of course in the evenings, he'd always be ready for the breast. And eventually he wants it back during the day again. Nursing strikes are very common, and they can result in self-weaning. It's even more common for them to result in self-weaning if your child is sleeping through the night and not nursing to sleep. This experience has been echoed by many women I know as well. However, for an infant being mostly breast-fed, even through nursing strikes, it's not common to wean that early. And regardless of when most or some children self-wean, it can take up to 4 1/2 years according to the AAP. Of course there are the storise of 10 year-olds still nursing but... *shudders* Really, when a child weans himself is dependant on a lot of factors. It is rare for children to self-wean earlier than age 1 but is more common before age 2. Most of the time when they do wean it's because they've become mobile and lose interest in it, like yours, or because they've replaced breastmilk with other dietary...stuff, lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:09am
They can overlook them like they don't exist, just chose not to take notice, and then pretend that I haven't answered the question because I can't all they want. That they refuse to acknowledge a question's answer even after it's repeated several times reflects more on them than me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 8:24am

according to the following source, it is overall about 82%

http://www.eiro.eurofound.eu.int/2004/02/feature/se0402103f.html

Here is an interesting article that discusses the wage gap in more detail with regard to the within-occupation gap and the between occupation gap. It compares Sweden, Norway and the U.S. Note that the study found that the wage gap within a particular occupation was very minimal and that the single biggest factor in the wage gap is tendency for women and men to go into different occupations.

http://www.meyersson.com/wage5-equalpayequalwork.pdf#search=%22pay%20gap%20men%20women%20sweden%20statistics%22

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:20am

Of course the heave subsidisies come from taxes. That's fine by me and that's fine by everyone I've met here...including people who are child-free by choice. Where does the money for schools come from? Taxes. That's fine by me too and by everyone I know.

"And I believe parents pay out-of-pocket a set amount above taxes when their children are actually using daycare/before/aftercare."

Sure, I said subsidized, not free. We paid about $140 per month for dd for ft dc and about $100 per month for afterschool care for ds. Once they both had afterschool care, it was about $150 per month for both (the second child pays only a percentage of the full amount). That is, by the way, the absolute maximum since we are over the income limit for a scaled rate. Other people pay much less than that.

"And from what I've read, Sweden like every other country has had its own problems with the quality of its daycare."

I haven't encountered them, nor has anyone I've known.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 9:54am

<It's not unusual for toddlers to self-wean earlier than age 2, if they can get enough to drink from other sources. Once walking, lots of children become impatient with the position imposed by nursing; mine did. I gave him pumped milk for another 6 months, but by 14 months he was having nothing to do with the boredom of having to be still whilst eating. This was echoed in the experiences of several women I know. I also self-weaned at about this age myself, so my mother said. >


VERY VERY VERY well said!!!

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