In today's economy, how can U stay home?
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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That's true. Since Yellie was born I have MUCH less time for one on one interactions with Am. And I spend a LOT more time with routine household chores. Why is it that doubling one's children means housework increases exponentially?
I'm at home the same as I ever was, but I have less time for parent/child interaction and NOW I have to split my time between the two kids. Now, sometimes I can combine it, but Am's 3 and Yellie's not yet 2--at those ages, that's a huge developmental gap. When they're both in elementary school, the gap won't seem so large, I'm guessing.
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Two words: Pageant Moms.
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And we ALL know that's BS; after all, what's generally accepted as the "world's oldest profession"? ;)
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That's an odd mistake for a writer hoping to be published to make.
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Those would have to be some mighty big strengths to overcome the profound negatives of ignoring the needs of his own child when his child is in his exclusive care. And yes, I consider failure to change a dirty diaper and failing to feed the child as ignoring the child's needs.
Is he a superhero in his spare time to make up for that awfully significant down-side?
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Um, excuse me, but YOU are claiming 24/7. If you get credit for sleeping hours, so does everyone else. Including working parents.
"I think a situation with one breadwinner leaves one person that is available and engaged almost all of the time and another who is available and engaged part of the time. Two main breadwinnrs means both parents are available and engaged only part of the time."
This comes back partly to preference (but one that I can substantiate with a consensus of data that deomstrate the beneficial effects of involved fathers and a lack of negative effects due to less maternal caregiving) but I greatly prefer the second arrangment to the first. Especially since, by your own admission, situations such as yours actually translate into one very involved parent and one minimally involve parent. I simply feel that my DH's contributions are too unique and important to be replaced by more time with me. And vice versa. I am glad that my working allows my DH to focus more time on his family than he would be able to were he the only breadwinner.
Issues of how we manage our time, what kind of childcare we feel is best for our kids, and how much time our kids were cared for by childcare providers prior to school age are all products of our values and choices. Not default circumstances that we just had to live with.
<"Being forced into less than desirable situations for lack of planning is often entirely preventable"
Again, excuse us for not foreseeing that the military, which supposedly ensures job security, would suddenly decide to eliminate my husband's career field and refuse to let him reinlist without training for a career that is not as desirable.>
First, I did not single out your situation so no excuses are necessary. Second, I agree that your DH's situation seems suprising given the current retention issues in the military. However, unless your DH was planning to make the military a career, I would assume he had some other job training in order to support his family?
"Not when you consider that most people sleep at night, which really leaves only a few hours in the evening as well as days off. That doesn't, however, mean that when he's home, I'm just going to leave so that we have an equal amount of time with our child alone. I think together time as a family is much more important, and so does my husband."
You said that SAHMs care for their children "day and night" which is why I was including nighttime in accord with your parameters for childcare opportunities. Particularly in the early months, there is certainly a consistent role for hands-on parenting throughout the night. Why can't some of the responsibility be theoritically alloted to dads?
Regardless, if you want to focus only on awake time, working dads are still home, 6-7 hours a day (9 for working + commute, 8 for sleeping) 5 days a week and a full 16 hours a day on the weekends. An amoutn that *still* exceeds the 45 hours they are away. Either way you slice it, there is still ample opportunity for workind dads to have as much hands-on time with their kids as SAHMS - provided they are willing and given the opportunity.
Of course you want family time, but dad's time with his kids should be equally important, IMO, and while that time may happen other than M-F, 9-5 there is still *ample* opportunity for consistent, independent time with his kids.
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