In today's economy, how can U stay home?
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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"I just think we're hard-wired differently."
And I suspect it is maturity and experience. Sometimes our perspective as mothers changes a great deal over time - especially with the added dimensions of caring for more than one child.
"I'm not going to go into it, because it'll be another thing for people to attack me about. I don't think non-parental caregivers like babysitters are as beneficial or important as mothers and fathers."
That is not what I said. No one is *as important* as parents. But other caregivers and involved adults can most certainly add something beneficial to kids' lives. The first time a babysitter gets your child to eat something he won't try for you, you'll get a glimpse of this.
"but I do think they should be the primary caregivers rather than kids spending several hours a day with others especially when they are younger."
I agree, but think that parents *are* the primary caregivers even if they work. Or they at least have the opportunity to be - even with a normal work schedule - if they are willing and able to be involved, hands-on parents. The amount of time a family is comfortable with non-parental care for their children will vary by family and by what options are available. We used almost no non-parental care the early months, and part-time care after that. By pre-K all 3 of mine went closer to "full-time" or at least hours comparable to their kindergarten schedules. This is a result of our preferences and options. If the only childcare available to us had been a low-quality, full-space-limit center with high turnover, we would have made other plans and probably used no non-parental care (or found a nanny). But that was never the case and we were able to choose providers and environments that we were not only comfortable with, but felt were beneficial to our kids.
When you are ready for your child to go to preschool, you will probably go through the same process of exploring your options and choosing the best program for your specific child.
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I think it's great that our comments are helping you to think through some points.
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"Oh, age can affect how many people you're close to and have friendships with?"
No, but most people have friends around their own age and most women are not married with 14 month old children by the age of 21. "Most" of your peer-group is still in college, dating, etc. Not SAH with small kids.
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