In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:39am

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Not allowed to use the word?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:48am

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Yes, I do...that why I stated I was assuming and then asked a question so I could clear up that assumption.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:55am

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That's not me debating that point.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:03am

<<*smiles sweetly* and then you read how 24/7 was an overstatement and exaggeration. And you didn't read that he doesn't care for him in the manner I wish him to. You read that when I come home I have to spend my evening cleaning up after them.>>


Then you also read in that post that I was responding to your comment that you had already answered the questions that I asked and wasn't asking them again?


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Yes, of course it can, just as many other factors can also affect friendships.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:11am

Me:

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:20am

You keep claiming sleeping hours, why can't she?


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 11:24am

...and my boys do love to commune with nature in that respect.


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 1:29pm

I don't see how changing my working status because my son is going to public school means my parenting is going to change. I think it means my activities during the day will change, but not my parenting.>>


Exactly!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 2:45pm

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"When I was a teen, that's not where the majority of that was occuring. If you didn't hang around people who did these things and you weren't in an unsupervised house...how do you know that was where it was occuring?"

My high school classmates were pretty vocal about their "extracurricular activities," and I played basketball and ran track. School, after school practice, and bus rides to and from athletic events provided plenty of opportunities to hear about when, where, and what was going on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 8:57pm

"So why do you think children of a wohm utilizing daycare would not reap the same good life as a sahm? Even though I work 40+ hours outside my home, I am still her parent. My parenting does not change either."

My argument isn't that your parenting changes. My argument is that the amount of time available for you and your child is decreased. When you have to spend less time with your child, because your child is at the age where she needs to go to school or because you have to work or other obligations, that's a lot different than chosing to spend ample time away from your child because you want to. There's a difference between the child going to school because it's time for her to start kindergarten and being put into daycare at the age of 10 months because mommy just likes her job and is bored at home. We all get to chose our priorities, and I think family time should be #1. That is just my view; I'm not saying I expect everyone to agree.

Even if I were to only see my child for only an hour a week, I'd still be my son's parent and parent him the same way that hour a week. I think, however, that would be neglectful and would be sending him the wrong message about priorities and what values he should have. I think our choices should be about what's best for our children. Doing something out of necessity is very different from doing something by choice. If I'm going to chose to send my child away for any amount of time I'm going to do it for a reason that benefits him more than the alternative. I think staying home with him is much better than sending him away so that I can feel satisfied and fulfilled. If I needed to work full-time to pay for groceries, I would...but I don't, so I don't see how my leaving him with someone other than myself or husband for long hours every day is necessary or beneficial to our family or any family that doesn't have to do it. We can do without excessive material possessions and find other ways to save for college.

Also, I didn't mean to say that their lives are not as good. :)

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