In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:12pm

"What is the difference?"

The difference is that I believe I can care for my child much better than a care provider because I know him better and love him more--but that I believe an educated individual would do a much better job educating my child in the areas about which I'm not as educated.

"You are so quick to assume that all childcare is substandard when it couldn't be further from the truth"

Because I think all childcare is substandard to the care of a parent. I think parents do a better job caring for their child than anyone else could. It's not an assumption, but a belief. I know of plenty wonderful daycare situations. I was recently approached about being my neighbor's nanny. That certainly would be a great situation, having a nanny right nextdoor whom you know, trust, and share values with. However, my care will always be substandard to the care of her mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:17pm

"So he is in classes all day and then hangs out with his friends at night? All while you do all the housework and childcare. Do you see where we would roll our eyes on this one? Sounds to me like you guys are young and still have a lot to learn."

HE IS IN ANOTHER STATE, like I said. HE IS STATIONED SOMEWHERE ELSE. He is not here. He is gone. The military said "Go to Missippipi." Therefore, he complied. It's not like there's anything ELSE he can do in Mississippi while we're in Colorado other than go to the class by day and then relax at night. Therefore, we both think it's perfecty fair for me to do housework, errands, and whatnot during the day, take Corbin greeting once a week and still work on Mary Kay, and then relax at night as well.

We are young, and we do have a lot to learn. However, I really don't see what him being ordered to go to another state and don't the only thing he can do in that other state has to do with us being young and having a lot to learn. Unless enlisting in the military and then following orders speaks of one's youth, naivity, and ignorance. No, I really don't see why you'd roll your eyes on that one. (Do you roll your eyes at any situation where a man is deployed to work by day & be off duty at night, leaving his wife behind to hold down the fort...?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:21pm
You're right. However, we didn't think that applied to us being that the military supposedly ensures job security. You don't get fired from the military usually unless you do something very bad. How would we know that suddenly, in the midst of his enlistment, they would restructure everything? In any case, we're working more now so we won't have to scramble when he loses his job...and the amount of scrambling we'd be doing then, if we didn't prepare now, would be far greater than what we're doing now. I definitely think job security, or a situation where you don't have to worry about having no income due to loss of a job, is a good idea. I don't think that having two breadwinners is the only way of doing that though. There are other ways, like chosing a career field in high demand. The only reason we're a little more busy now is to get our credit in good shape, paying down our car loans, saving up a little money, etc. so that when he is discharged we'll be able to move home, survive the first few months, get another mortgage on a new house, fix up this house so we can sell it, etc. (And ho boy do we have fixing up to do! :) If we were to wait, and then scramble, we'd have to work double time to accomplish what we can do now without sacrificing as much time.


Edited 8/22/2006 10:25 pm ET by punkalicorn
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:24pm

"No, but most people have friends around their own age and most women are not married with 14 month old children by the age of 21. "Most" of your peer-group is still in college, dating, etc. Not SAH with small kids."

You're right. :) Most of those my age are still in college, dating, etc. But because I am a 21 year-old who is married and has a 14 month old, my friends are very diverse. I've got young, unmarried friends, newly wed friends, new mom friends of various ages, college friends, etc. I don't really fit in with any one group. It's so hard to find another 21 year-old married momma. :) So I end up socializing with older women, younger women, same aged women with different circumstances. I surely would hang out mostly with young married mamas if I knew more of them! So when I say "most of the people I know" I'm not talking about my 'peer-group' but rather a very diverse crowd! My situation is a gift and a curse. *sigh* (Socially, I mean!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:30pm

"In some ways, our nanny provides more attentive, better care than the boys get when they are with DH. I don't think parents are wired differently than non-parents in terms of everyday caregiving."

Oh, I agree with this. I meant that males and females are hard-wired differently. :) I think a nanny with lots of childcare experience might be more attentive and give 'better' care than my DH. Even so I think it would still be better for my son to spend that time with his daddy than with a nanny!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:36pm

In regard to keeping your son with one or the other parent most of the time, my mother died when my first child was 14 months old. Of course many mothers do not experience such a personally traumatic event when they have a very young child, but in my case, I was so incredibly relieved that we had regular childcare in place. There would have literally been no way for me to deal with her death emotionally and logistically without using othercare, and family members on both sides all had things to do for about a two week period that prevented them from adequately caring for my son on my behalf.

I would have been relieved too. Life doesn't always work out the way you want, you know? I mean, sometimes circumstances such as tragedy force us to change our plans. It's certainly happened to us. I'd be profoundly grateful for the availability of a caregiver. If my husband died there'd be no way for us to live without me going to work. There are circumstances in which a person must work, and that would for me be one of them. I chose to stay at home because I can and think it makes life is easier both for me and my son. It's certainly not always possible to keep a child with one or the other parent, or even with one or the other relative! But I do think where it is possible it is beneficial. :)

And FTR, I don't think leaving a child with a caregiver other than the parent necessarily hurts or weakens the relationship, but I do think keeping the children mainly with parents/family especially at first can only help things and make them even better. Children do need exposure to other people, to the whole world even, but I think they need lots more time with mom and dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:39pm

"I greatly appreciated, and still do, receiving help with the children from school, our nanny and family. I'm simply more comfortable with, and more patient because, I share the work involved with children."

I'd be grateful for help, too! I just would never want to rely on it heavily or use it extremely often. As long as the bulk of my child's care comes from me, great. I'm certainly not advocating spending as much time with a chld as I do. I think it's more about the bulk of your time rather than every waking moment! If I did have help, I probably wouldn't be with him as much as I am. However, I do think that I'd have even less time with him as a WOHM than I do now or than I would being a SAHM who occasionally went shopping on her own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:39pm
I do have to say that one can be *something other than a mommy* without woh. I dont think woh is the only way to accomplish having a strong sense of self or avoid being bored in daily life.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:47pm
Wow, I'm impressed. How many early childhood education classes have you taken? I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know everything about parenting at 21. (I had a child a similar age at that age)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Tue, 08-22-2006 - 10:49pm

"And I suspect it is maturity and experience. Sometimes our perspective as mothers changes a great deal over time - especially with the added dimensions of caring for more than one child. "
I agree those are factors too and that perspectives change, but I do think the difference between man and woman comes into play, too. There are of course women who are athletes and men who make wonderful SAHDs, but I think overall women are the more nurturing, gentler sex.

"But other caregivers and involved adults can most certainly add something beneficial to kids' lives."
Agreed. I jsut don't think they should take up as much of the kids' lives and time as the parents do.

"I agree, but think that parents *are* the primary caregivers even if they work. "

If you're gone 8 hours a day, sleep 8 hours a day, that leaves only 8 hours for parent and child intreaction with the exception of nighttime wakefulness. That means the caregiving balance is tilted slightly toward the parent, but that care of the child is pretty close to being split down the middle between daycare provider and parent. And additionally, if we're going to give each parent an individual amount of alone time with the child, say 4 hours of family time, then 2 hours each of parent-child alone time, then each parent isn't spending as much time with the child as the daycare provider and if they are the amount of time is about equal with what they spend with the daycare provider... so how would anyone be the primary caregiver if it was split up that way?

I think the ideal situation would be each parent working a few hours a day, so that they don't spend lots of time in daycare, then get lots of time together as a family and alone with mom and dad. I don't think that's an option for most people though. That's the way I'd like our situation to be eventually, though, or at least so that I'm not spending abundantly more time with the kids than Corey or so that they're not spending as much time in daycare as they do with us!

My child is too cool for pre-school! Hehe, jk. I'm probably going to homeschool, but I'm sure when he's ready for public school I will have to go through that process. I will do so not because I want to do other things with my time but because it's what's best for him at that time, and he will only go to preschool or daycare if he must or if I feel that it would be best for him. (Like, if I think he's undersocialized or that more time with others might help im learn better, etc.)

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