In today's economy, how can U stay home?
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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"I do have to say that one can be *something other than a mommy* without woh. I dont think woh is the only way to accomplish having a strong sense of self or avoid being bored in daily life."
I agree! You've just got to be creative.
"And not to mention seeing Mom passionate about her work (not applicable to all WOHMs, of course)"
I think just seeing either parent being passionate would do the trick though. Seeing dad be passionate about his job, mom about being a SAHM. Or dad being passionate about being a SAHD, mom about her job. I think they just need to see their parents being happy with life, staying positive, and having passion in general.
"Wow, I'm impressed. How many early childhood education classes have you taken? I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know everything about parenting at 21. (I had a child a similar age at that age)"
I don't know everything about parenting either, and I'm certainly not embarrassed about that. I just have my own ideas, based on my experiences, observations, research, advice and tips from moms, childcare specialists, doctors, and parenting 'experts.' I certainly don't think not knowing everything (considering NO ONE knows everything) means I shouldn't speak at all. Anyone can offer a new perspective.
"Why can't some of the responsibility be theoritically alloted to dads?"
It certainly could (and should)...but a frequent complaint of SAHMs (and it's addressed in tons of books, magazines, and SAHM forums) is that working dads seem to feel their sleep is more important because the SAHM can just sleep in. :/ I think regardless of working status responsibility could be split up, but I think in the 1 working 1 at home situation, it's not done as much. There are plenty of exceptions...but most of the SAHMs meet have this complaint. (And so do I! And he's always all for it when I bring it up during the day...But at night, gah, that man just goes into sleep mode and is like incoherent when it's his turn to soothe! lol) So yeah I totally agree with you. I just know that in most situations, the at-home parent ends up doing most of the night time parenting so the working one can sleep. :/
"Regardless, if you want to focus only on awake time, working dads are still home, 6-7 hours a day (9 for working + commute, 8 for sleeping) 5 days a week and a full 16 hours a day on the weekends. An amoutn that *still* exceeds the 45 hours they are away. Either way you slice it, there is still ample opportunity for workind dads to have as much hands-on time with their kids as SAHMS - provided they are willing and given the opportunity."
Good point. You're right. I didn't count weekends. That, still, however means that on a regular daily basis they're spending more time with the caregiver as they are sleeping and being with their parents. The weekends make up for it, though; you're right. So yeah, that would definitely make parents overall the primary caregivers (though I still think weekdays it'd be almost a tie). I I just think 8 hours a day is a lot out of a day, almost too much. One third is a big fraction to me. :/ It just doesn't feel 'ample,' maybe "just enough" but not ample. And you know, maybe the answer is not that one parent works and the other doesn't...but changing how many hours each spends working and whatnot. I wish we could just improve the situation, so both parents could still have fulfilling jobs and good salaries while not having to each work 8 hours a day.
I think it is just preference. I agree that my DH's contributions are unique and important, but I don't think it's preferable for him to be in daycare so that he gets an equal amount of time with each parent. I would agree it would be preferable for us both to work part time, or for my husband not to have a second job (and he won't have one forever), but not for me to work, too, and end up spending the same smaller amount of time that my husband does with him.
"I agree that your DH's situation seems suprising given the current retention issues in the military. However, unless your DH was planning to make the military a career, I would assume he had some other job training in order to support his family?"
He's getting job training from the military, so when he gets out, he should be able to find another job. However, we've got to move, buy a new house, sell this house, have our credit in order, fix up our house...soooo many things. I mean, there's got to be earnest money, maybe a down payment, all that stuff. :)
And no, he wasn't going to make it his career, but our plan was to reinlist for another 4 years, finish college, enjoy free healthcare and all the benefits for a while longer, get that experience, etc. and then get out. We didn't anticipate just having one 4-year stretch. In a way we're kind of relieved. He'll get out of the military without ever having gone overseas. And he is totally unsatisfied with his job as an Airman, too. So, it's a blessing. But it does require that we prepare. We were hoping to have another 4 years to prepare and now... we don't.
"Um, excuse me, but YOU are claiming 24/7. If you get credit for sleeping hours, so does everyone else. Including working parents."
So, a woman that sleeps next to her son, cuddling him, entwining their fingers into each others hair, their breathing synchronized, waking frequently to nurse should get as much credit for sleeping hours as a woman who is sleeping down the hall from her child and only interacting them when they wake? Or, a SAHM that does all of the night care (as is the norm for that situation) should get equal credit for sleeping hours as a WOHM who shares the night care with her working husband? Or, a SAHM that doesn't have to do much night care at all should get equal credit for sleeping hours as me, a person who co-sleeps and is still woken every few hours for numnums? I have to disagree.
"Those would have to be some mighty big strengths to overcome the profound negatives of ignoring the needs of his own child when his child is in his exclusive care. And yes, I consider failure to change a dirty diaper and failing to feed the child as ignoring the child's needs."
I never said he ignored his child's needs; you did. If the child is hungry, he feeds him, and I never said he didn't. It's just not necessarily a well-rounded meal, but maybe enough to quiet him. Why? Because he doesn't really know how much Corbin usually eats, as he's not around him as much. I never said he failed to change dirty diapers. He does do that; he just doesn't always change the dirty outfit! Therefore, I've get home, and I've got to feed him something else and give him a new outfit as well as clean up their mess. I've heard many women complain about their husbands feeling a suitable meal is french fries; should they all divorce?
Not being good at housework has little to do with meeting the child's needs. There are many things he is good at. Or, is a husband only good for helping around the house and with the child? If a husband isn't PERFECT at that, he's a bad husband? Wow. I know a lot of people who need to dump their husbands. I know lots of husbands who work extremely hard to provide for their family, love their wives and children, make immense sacrifices, and make a huge effort to do their best but still aren't too handy with a broom and a dust pan. I guess all of their wives should divorce them! Especially ones that are willing to sacrifice time with their child to ensure that there is money to buy food for the child to eat when their main source of income is gone the following year.
"Is he a superhero in his spare time to make up for that awfully significant down-side?"
This is a bit rude and judgemental coming from someone that doesn't know me and is assuming something totally other than what is meant by my words, rather than asking. But, yeah, he is a superhero to me, just for the record. Not realizing that because Corbin has finished a jar of fruit and is content doesn't mean that he doesn't still need a vegetable and/or meat doesn't make him inadequate. And, oh no... God forbid a child have their diaper changed, but not be given at outfit that doesn't have applesauce on it. (If that's true then I see a lot of people with an awfully significant down-side at Walmart!) My husband isn't perfect, but he's perfect for me. I couldn't have picked a better father. I don't go out of my way to leave them alone together not because my child's needs aren't met but because it creates more work for me when I get home--AND because we value time together as a family MUCH more than we'd value mommy going off to a spa, spending money and wasting gas, so that dad and son can be alone together. We'd much rather all play on the floor togther than momma go out and play while they stay home alone.
"What is a career for, if not the support of a family? Are you saying that your dh, by putting a priority on his career over his family, is neglecting his family? If your dh isn't neglecting the family, why would you imply that others' careers are a priority conflict with the famiy, rather than a priority in support of it?"
By all means, yes, a career should be for the support of a family. Obviously there needs to be income. Some people work not because they need the income but because it gives them self-fulfillment. My husband doesn't put his career over his family or neglect his family, because for one he puts his family first. By working, he IS putting his family first, because he works not so he'll feel fulfilled but so we can have food. He choses to work to feed his family--not because he enjoys it and wants that time out in the world on his own. When you chose to work but don't need the income, just think its nice to have those extra material goodies and that satisfaction of earning money, you're not working as a priority in support or your family.
"That's an odd mistake for a writer hoping to be published to make."
Yeah. It's very odd for a person who hopes to publish her story and poetry to make a mistake on an internet profile that has nothing to do with her desired future as a writer. It's odd for anyone to make a mistake, really, isn't it? We should all be perfect, and hoping to be a writer means it's inexcusable for me to make a mistake in my online profile that I spent such a short time updating. I'm sure that my mistake on an internet profile that I quickly updated is a sure reflection of the quality of the writing on which I spend ample time and hope one day to publish. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I should be a perfect writer and never make a typo or a mistake, because all writers that make it are perfect. From now on I will check and double check all my profiles! It's important for me to concentrate on them, because it's as important for strangers on the internet to understand me as much as it will be for my future readers to understand the books they are paying to read. I wouldn't want to negatively affect the career as a writer I hope to establish one day.
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