In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:01am

"Or the choice of both parents together who prefer to spend time together as a family rather than send mom away for the sole purpose of father and son being alone--as if parent and child can only bond when no one else is in the room."

It isn't an either/or situation. We managed both alone time for the kids and dh AND plenty of family time. There really and truly are enough hours in the day if one is motivated. In our case, I usually dealt with all of the night wakings and dh took over the kids when they were up for the day. Both were very early risers (usually between 6-6.30). Dh didn't have to be at work until 9am, so he took the kids on his own for about 2 hours or so in the morning while I caught up a bit more on sleep. He was usually home by 6-6.30pm and the kids were usually in bed by 9pm. That gave us plenty of evening time as a family and even some evening time for just the two of us. Of course we also got two full days every weekend for family time.

Parent and child can bond regardless of alone time, but the chances of a parent figuring out how to take care of a baby and effectively parent him/her (the subject of this particular discussion) increase dramatically when there is no one else available to come to the rescue or take things over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:26am

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I guess not, but then again you have said it's a "rare" occurrence that you are away from your son, therefore based on that fact that it's rare for you to be away from the child, how is it not rare for your dh to be alone with him?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:30am

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Can't you post anything that either are necessary for development?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:45am

A lot of what you are describing is up to the individual family with careful planning.


For example, my children go to a school that is a few blocks from my office.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:55am

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But, then you also might want to amend it for age of children.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:04am

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I totally agree!


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:05am

Heck, I bet she could care for my boys better than me sometimes.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:08am

I'm so sorry for you loss.


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:19am
Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 1:12pm

As a working writer, I have to say that I think this forum is a really good one for practicing one's clarity of writing. Rather than thinking its meaningless and not making your best effort when you post, perhaps try using it as a good area to practice communication skills-something every writer must have.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

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