In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:19pm

"Even so I think it would still be better for my son to spend that time with his daddy than with a nanny!"

"Why? More bonding time?"

Yeah, more time for them to be together. And because his dad would take a bullet for him. :) They need that time togheter more than the nanny, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:20pm

And the way I look at it, the "bulk" of my childrens' care is coming from their parents. My older son is only with our nanny about 15 hours a week once school starts (he's in school 30 hours a week).

I agree. That is definitely the "bulk" lol!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:23pm
I don't. The person upset about people not getting equal credit for night time family time, originally was someone else...and I just explained why I hadn't given it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:26pm

"So once a man or woman becomes a parent, they should work primarily to bring in income and not for career satisfaction?"

I think it depends on the situation. Like, your situation, I definitely agree. For me, being young and not needing the income and having a toddler at home, I don't think it would be right for me to work just for career satisfaction at this point. I think it's all circumstantial.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:27pm

"I think if a parent, of either gender, is lucky enough to be able to support their family and also develop their ego, have extra material possessions and seek self-fulfillment through WOH, they should. "

I agree, as long as the family isn't feeling any negative backlash and as long as they are keeping their priorities in line. I think whether or not it's best for the family as a whole just varies from situation to situation.

"If your family is thriving with the parents' work status, including dual WOHP, why do you care why the parents WOH?"

If the family is thriving like yours I don't :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:30pm

"Of course I would not want overload shoved down my childs throat but you know elementary school is getting more and more challenging."

Do you think that's good? Do you think it's getting TOO challenging maybe? That we're expecting too much too son? I don't know much about elementary schools, so I'd rather ask you. From what I've heard from others it feels like there's a lot of pressure on kids these days. It makes sense that if elementary school is getting more challenging, so would preschool.

"It just seems that teachers are expecting these little 6 yo to be a lot more advanced than they are."

Yeah, it seems that way to me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:36pm

bwahaha......not worth the argument. but it sure does make me wonder if maeve binchy or john grisham started that way. lol.

edited. edited. then edited more.

Edited 8/23/2006 11:12 pm ET by egd3blessed




Edited 8/23/2006 11:18 pm ET by egd3blessed

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:38pm

"If SAHM's in previous generations really didn't spend as much one-on-one time with their kids as we do now, and pretty much spent their whole day trying to keep up with a tremendous amount of housework, laundry and cooking, how are we damaging our children now by not spending massive amounts of intense time with them?"

We're not, and it's not about spending massive amounts of intense time with them for me. I just think 8 hours a day is a massive amount to be in daycare, especially considering the parents must then come home and do housework, cook, help with homework on top of that. I don't think it's necessarily them being "damaged," but about how they are beng shaped. If a child doesn't feel his needs are being met, he's going to grow up with some shortcomings because of that. If a child is spoiled, the situation will be just as bad. I think we've just got to strike a balance between work (not just the job, but housework, errands, etc) and actual family time. Of course the amount of time sleeping/working will always be greater than the amount of actual quality time, but I do feel that the amount of time spent sleeping/working in most cases is more than is ideal. Generation X is lost and confused, seekng self-fullfillment even if it's bad for others. Could that have something to do with not getting much attention back when the SAHMs job was even more difficult? I don't know, but I think it's a possibility. I think there are a lot of possibilities for our actions, time spent, etc. to affect our children...maybe not even to 'damage' but to change.

I agree SAHMs today focus on their kids more than they once did, because of the technological advancements and changes in thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 10:38pm

"It isn't an either/or situation."

It is when we're deciding between staying home and watching a movie together and me going off to a spa to leave them alone. That's either/or. We could have lots of family time and then plenty of individual alone time. We chose to have ample family time rather than decreasing the amount of family time for more father/son alone time. He can learn how to effectively parent better without being alone. I've just got to have him do a bit more than he's currently doing...like, stop having him be hammering something while I feed the baby,and have him feed the baby and hammer later!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:09pm

"I guess not, but then again you have said it's a "rare" occurrence that you are away from your son, therefore based on that fact that it's rare for you to be away from the child, how is it not rare for your dh to be alone with him? How could it be both?"

It feels rare to me especially when compared to the amount of time I'm with my son; however, I don't think others would necessarily condier it rare.

"Several to me means usually means a small number around three. Several hours a week is much more than several hours a month, since a month has multiple weeks and therefore several hours a week multiplied by the weeks in a month would equal more than several."

Then by your definition he does spend several hours a month and "almost several" hours a week alone with him.

"it's a matter of comparison. "

Not just week vs month but amount of time I spend with him vs amount Corey spends with him, as well as our own individual connotations of words like rare and several.

The questions weren't bothering me. It just felt like the wording and the tone was negative. I agree my wording and tone hasn't been exactly perfect either.

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