In today's economy, how can U stay home?
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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I totally get your point about people of the X generation and "our" generation (Im 25, I think youre 21, so we're close in age) being very self-centered. We are more obsessed with finding ourselves and making sure we're happy and all of that. But I guess I just disagree that moms working outside of the home make for children growing up feeling disconnected to their families. My mom went back to work full time when my brother and I were infants and I think shes the best mother in the world. She always spent an amazing amount of time with us when we were little, especially considering the high powered nature of her job. (shes an accountant in an important government position) And now that Im an adult, shes one of my best friends, closest confidantes and pretty much my favorite person in the world. So her working outside the home when I was a child has certainly not harmed our relationship.
I really agree with many of the other moms here who have said that its the "quality" not the "quantity" of time you spend with your kids that determines their relationships and connections later on in life. I grew up in a house with very loving, committed parents who never made me feel like I was anything but the most important thing in the world to them. And at the same time, I grew up in a house with parents who I thought were brilliant and talented. My mother's career has inspired me my whole life and made me not only achieve a college degree, but made me reach further for a law degree. To me, teaching those kinds of values to my future children are imperative. I grew up believing I could be a great mom, keep a really nice house AND take over the world. And I dont know that that would be true (being that Im a woman) if only my father worked outside the home.
I guess I just think in a world where the leaders of some countries are women, our own Secretary of State is a woman, there are women on the Supreme Court, there are women governers and women presidents of universities, etc. that having a career is a "detriment" to my future children. To me it seems like my most important job should be to strive for as much as I can to inspire all of my kids...especially daughters....to achieve some kind of greatness. Or at least believe its possible.
I dont know. I have no answers really. I guess it just bothers me that women are STILL being made to feel guilty for their careers and intellectual pursuits all because we have wombs.
" I don't understand why she wouldn't use the internet as a tool for communicating. "
I use it to communicate, not to practice story-telling, character development, and plot forming. I'm not as concerned with my words on here as I am with the words I write in my serious work. This is just a way of getting ideas and thoughts out and hearing what others have to say back. Basically, I just don't see a debate board as something I should use to become a better novelist or poet, lol.
"I just disagree that moms working outside of the home make for children growing up feeling disconnected to their families."
I think it's a factor not the sole or main reason.
"I really agree with many of the other moms here who have said that its the "quality" not the "quantity" of time you spend with your kids that determines their relationships and connections later on in life"
I think it's a little of both.
And I don't think women should stay home. I think someone should be with the kids most of the time, not necessarily women. I think marriage and family should be a partnership, and I just think parents should work out their schedules so kids don't spend a huge amount of time in daycare. It's not about women working. It's just about the dual income situation as well as how much time kids are spending in daycare. I think if both parents are going to work they just need to prioritize, plan, schedule, and put family first--and a lot of parents do. I'd just like to see it easier for kids to spend more time with their family and less time in daycare.
"However, there are a ton of authors and writers out there, popular and famous ones, who got their start with things like blogs and other internet venues."
Blogs, not message boards!
"And my original comment was only that for an aspiring writer, this was a good spot to practice things like proper communication, word usage, etc."
Maybe, but I chose not to use it for that purpose. That's all. :)
I have not insulted your husband.
first of all, he cannot POSSIBLY interact with your child throughout the day if you are in Colorado and he is in Mississippi, as you claimed yesterday.
Secondly, I said that if we apply YOUR standards, he isn't a parent at all. As far as I'm concerned, he's a parent, but then again, i'm not out there stomping about and whinging that I'm not getting "proper credit" for the time I spend with my child if I claim 24/7 parenting but deny it to someone who works during the day or doesn't cosleep at night.
Basically, you are arguing a double standard for you and your husband. And I do wish you could remember whether or not your husband is half the country away from you. On Monday, you made all kinds of claims, both complimentary and not-so-much as to your husband's parenting skills. On Tuesday, you claimed he was stationed in Mississippi while you and your son remained in Colorado. Now, it's Wednesday and he's back ("My husband interacts with my child throughout the day,")? Even for the US military that was a short duty assignment.
"first of all, he cannot POSSIBLY interact with your child throughout the day if you are in Colorado and he is in Mississippi, as you claimed yesterday."
Uh, where did I say the he DOES interact with my child throughout the day...?
"I said that if we apply YOUR standards, he isn't a parent at all. "
Then you obviously do not understand my standards. You seem to think that I feel people who don't do X aren't good parents, when I've never said any such thing--just that I think time is a precious commodity.
"i'm not out there stomping about and whinging that I'm not getting "proper credit" for the time I spend with my child if I claim 24/7 parentin"
Actually, the only time I mentioned credit was in rebuttal to someone else who first was stomping and whining about it.
you are arguing a double standard for you and your husband
Considering I've admitted our situation is not ideal and is not where we want to be and considering it is out of necessity not desire, I disagree.
"On Tuesday, you claimed he was stationed in Mississippi while you and your son remained in Colorado. Now, it's Wednesday and he's back ("My husband interacts with my child throughout the day,")? Even for the US military that was a short duty assignment."
I'm still wondering in what post I said that "my husband interacts with my child throughout the day" and in what post I stated "he has returned" or is home now, rather than just stating what usually happens when he is here (with the exception that the "throughout the day" comment was never made by me that I can recall), considering very clearly several times several posts back I stated that he wouldn't return for another week or so. It is a short duty assignment; that's why it's called a TDY. He's down there for a class, as I also already stated.
And I do wish you could remember whether or not your husband is half the country away from you.
I can remember, and as I've stated repeatedly, when I refer to him in the present tense, I'm referring to what things are usually like. A one month seperation, or any temporary seperation, is not going to make me start referring to him in the past tense. He's still a father, and those are still his behaviors, mannerisms, etc. A temporary interuption changes nothing except that, temporarily for this short time-being, he can do very little. So, let me make it clear:
* My husband is usually home.
* He has been gone for 3 weeks and will return in another.
* When I speak of what he does, in the present tense, I'm referring to what he does when he is actually home to do those things.
What he's doing now isn't nearly as relevant considering this is a short time, temporary thing that will soon end whereas our usual behavior is the long-term usual way of doing things. Being seperated from his family doesn't mean I'm not allowed to continue referring to hiim as a good parent or referring to his usual behaviors.
I agree that it should be easier for families to have more time together and to spend less time working. I guess I just think that at this point in the development of our society, its not a reality yet. Many professions still treat women as lesser creatures who are going to end up on the "mommy track" and are not going to be dependable because they have kids. And while I find this insulting and absurd, its unfortunately the truth.
I think that the onus needs to come off of women to be the sole care provider for children. I think if dads could have as much leeway and understanding at work as moms do in terms of time off and all of that (and Im talking in competitive, business type settings, not shift work where schedules are a little more easy to manipulate), there would be a lot more equality in the work force. When I was a kid my mother had to budget in half of her vacation to make sure she had days available to take off in case we got sick. At the time she couldnt use her own sick time for that, and if my father tried to call out one day to take care of us?? My god he would have been fired. Now its not quite that bad, but its not that much better.
But whatever. Thats a fight that will continue whether we argue about it or not. My only real point is that daycare is not a bad thing. I grew up in daycare. And to be honest? I feel lucky that I did. My parents found a woman to take care of my brother and I who loved us as much as anyone else in my family did. She was superb and probably a hell of a lot more "skilled" than my parents were with keeping us on a routine and disclipined. She was amazing. My grandmother used to stay with us once a year when my parents went on a parents only vacation and my dcp would call my mother every time to rant and rave about how it wasnt "fair" to her that we wouldnt be there for a week (even though she got paid anyway). She loved us that much. Theres something to be said about the kind of enrichment a child's life gets by having these outside people who adore them and love them and care for them. Especially if they have a different style than the parents.
I agree with every word of this :)
And on that note I'm going to head off to bed with half-asleep nursling!
Edited 8/23/2006 11:51 pm ET by punkalicorn
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