In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:00pm

"What do you think children in "daycare" do all day if not "activities"?"

When I said "activities" I meant the few hours or so of afterschool activities that school-age children do. It's not that I approve/disapprove of 'activities' in general. I think there's a difference between spending all day doing activities away from mom and then going to school to get an education and then coming home and doing some activities to unwind and socialize. Daycare, the activities are meant to encourage you to learn just as they would be if you are home with mom, but you're usually there because your parents are at work--not because you're working towards completing grades to earn a diploma. You go to school, then do some activities, not so your parents can work but so you'll have what you need to be a thriving adult. You go to daycare and do activities all day not to get your education but to be babysat while your parents work or run errands or anything. And I have no problem with daycare. I just think it's unhealthy to spend a LOT of time in daycare.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:02pm

"If you don't think that there are credit points for parenting then why compare how much credit each of the mothers in each situation should get?"

I wasn't comparing 'parenting' credit. You're a parent 24/7, so you're parenting 24/7. I was talking about 'family time.' I guess you don't understand the difference between parenting and family time, so continuing to argue is completely pointless.

"If there are no credit points then why do you disagree that a SAHM who doesn't do much night care shoud get equal credit for sleeping hours as you, who co-sleeps?"

Once again, because I'm applying that to whether or nt something is family together time not parenting time. You don't seem to understand the difference so goodbye.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:07pm

"I was talking about 'family time.'"

If you were talking about family time then why was family time not mentioned once in the post?

You didn't say that you got more family time because you co-sleep, you said that you should get more credit because you co-sleeep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:07pm

"I do both because I choose to, because I think it benefits them."

And I think what's best (ie what benefits them the most) is what's obligatory.

"daycare is just another activity that children can learn from just as they learn from formal school or sports practice."

Sure. I just don't think it's something they should be in for huge amounts of time. I think they benefit a lot more from going to school to get educated than they do from going to daycare so that mom and dad can go to work.

You've already stated you think public school would be best for them, therefore they go there to get the best education possible. I consider myself obligated to homeschool if it's best, send them to public school if that's best. Depending on the situation children get somethings from public school that they wouldn't get at home and vice versa...

well, what do children get from spending long hours in daycare that they wouldn't get spending more of that time at home with a parent? Yes, daycare has benefits...but do they need to spend long hours everyday to get them? What's more important, the benefits of extra time with the parents or the benefits of long hours in daycare?

That's not for me to decide for every person. I've decided for my kid and have my own idea what situations are best and not and so on...but everyone has to pick for themselves...and yes, I feel that parents are indeed obligated to do what is best. I think that's our duty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:09pm

"You also forgot holidays and vacations. I have 10 holidays and 3 weeks vacation, dh has the standard holidays plus the time between Christmas/NewYears and 5 weeks of vacation."

Yep, I sure did. It's hard to consider that though because every company has different vacation time..uhm..guidelines. So, what you get might not be what everyone gets. My dad for example gets very little vacation time. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:12pm
No but we've already established that school is a place your children go because you think it's best for them, better for them to be taught by the teacher rather than you. Do you send your kids to daycare because you believe they are better off getting their hugs and milk cups from a care provider? If so then there's no distinction, but if not, there is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:14pm

Yep, I know.

And you shouldn't assume you do because you chatted with them for a bit.

But what does that have to do with how I should write when I'm blogging & chatting? Especially if it's anonymous?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:16pm

"I

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:18pm

"If you were talking about family time then why was family time not mentioned once in the post?"
It was mentioned in the first post, I believe, about that particular subject, then someone responded, then I responded. I thought the 'family time' thing was understood. In any case I never stated I was talking about 'parenting' time either. Instead of assuming I was talking about parenting you could have just asked. If it wasn't mentioned, I apologize, but 'parenting credit' was never uttered either. You assumed I was talking about 'credit for parenting' when really I was talking about what I considered family time and using the word credit to apply to what I consider an hour of family time.

"You didn't say that you got more family time because you co-sleep, you said that you should get more credit because you co-sleeep."

Credit...for...family time, that's what I meant. I didn't say I should get 'more credit' for PARENTING or AS A PARENT.
I was saying that I get more family time because I co-sleep and that, yes, I should get credit for that family time because of it.

The word 'parenting' as related to the subject wasn't brought up or implied by me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:19pm

"As long as the child isn't wearing an outfit covered in poop and isn't starving to death, who really freaking cares what he's wearing and whether or not he gets his fruit, veggie, and meat all at once rather than eating a fruit then having the vegetable/meat the next time he acts hungry?"


Apparently you freaking really care as these are the reasons you gave for not leaving your child in the care of his father....If it wasn't important to you, certainly you would not avoid leaving baby with dad...

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