In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:19pm
Thanks. I don't know the lingo too well. We've been in for almost 3 years but... we've only had 1 TDY, 1 deployment, and 1 PCS (that I was involved in) so... I'm not perfect with all the terminology. I'm getting better ;) I'll probably still slip up with the whole assigned vs stationed thing though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:20pm
punkalicorn, you are awesome. seriously, you are such a better debater than me or anyone else on this board, even though you are not wanting to debate! your opinion is solid, admirable, and consistent, and i agree with everything you've put out there. i am the same - interested in opinions and examples of actual experience here, which i find to be much more solid than statistics. anyone who has taken a statistics class can tell you how ANY set of statistics can be twisted and used by the article author to either support or knock down a particular point. since studying that myself in a brief class in college, statistics have become almost always irrelevant to me. opinions are more solid to me, because they come from an individual person, not a controlled study group.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:23pm

"You most certainly did trash him early on and have recanted...but, more to the point, how did you show him the board when he is in another state?"
Well, let's see... he has the internet, and I have the internet. I emailed him and said "Hey, look at this." And he did.

And, I didn't trash him. If I was being serious, not joking, I wouldn't have said LOL after the statement. In any case, saying that we each have our own strengths and weaknesses, that I have more experience and am thus better with the childcare right now, etc. is not trashing him. I didn't say anything nasty about him, and he agrees. You can call it what you want. If you think stating that he isn't "as good" as reading our son to be "trashing him" or stating "He can't even take care of himself, much less a child" and then laughing (clearly indicating a joke, as in not serious and also of course not completely true, probably an exaggeration for humor) to be "trashing him" that's fine...but I don't consider it 'trashing' and neither does he. And that's what matters to us. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:25pm

"you are such a better debater than me or anyone else on this board, even though you are not wanting to debate!"

I don't think I'm much of a debater at all, at least not on this subject...but you're right. I'm not wanting to debate. I just like to state my view and hear what others have to say. I at least am not taking things out of context and using them to try to discredit people.

"i am the same - interested in opinions and examples of actual experience here, which i find to be much more solid than statistics."

I'm so glad someone finally gets it and agrees!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:29pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:35pm
Having a personal preference doesn't mean I'm passionate and 'really freaking care' about something. Mentioning something or doing something doesn't mean you 'really freaking care.' Sometimes I eat a granola bar for breakfast because it's quicker and easier than making a big, wholesome, more nutritious meal...but does that mean I 'really freaking care' about the time it takes to make the meal, and that's why I don't do it? No, just that I'd rather not do it all th etime. You all seem to care a lot more than me, considering you're calling him neglectful whereas I'm just stating I prefer not to come home to extra work that I could have been doing or helping with in the first place, that I don't like to be seperated from my child too often, and that I'd much rather us all be together as a family. I've given other reasons; those just were the ones I happened to mention. Just because I don't list every single factor doesn't mean that there aren't others or that it's the only one I 'really freaking care' about. That I do something for a reason doesn't always mean that reason is extremely important to me, sometimes it just means that I think something else is a bit more important--like, that I think it's more important for us to bond as a family than to focus on individual bonds. And sometimes, it's just simply out of laziness. Yep, I am lazy sometimes--like when I'm chatting on a just for fun internet forum. (If I wasn't feeling lazy, wouldn't I be off doing something more productive?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:36pm
Arguing about our grammar...how productive :/
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 7:41pm

Hey, I am not the one who called in reinforcements...


And I do feel that if you won't leave your child with your husband because of how he cares for him, you do really freaking care...you keep backpedaling but your words are all we can go on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:40pm
So that would mean...none?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:42pm

They don't have to be better off...if they are just as good off, why isn't that good enough?


My dh and I are both very smart...that doesn't mean I think we should homeschool.

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