In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:45am

Well look at it this way, you've repeatedly had to explain and re-explain yourself on this forum, all because so much of what you said was unclear to others. And you've seemed quite frustrated with having to do all this explaining. If you'd just been clear the first time around, you might not have had to explain so much.

But again, whatever works for you.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:50am

I said nothing of the sort. My initial post to you was just a suggestion, perhaps a bit of advice that I thought you might find useful. You are the one who came back with the implication that I don't know what I'm talking about.

But hey, I just make a career out of it, so what do I know, lol.

dj

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:54am
Nope. Nice try though.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:36am
Thank you Donna for your words of encouragement. I can't believe how this thread has reached almost 700 posts! This is insanity! I'd hoped to receive a response or maybe TWO. LOL Unfortunately, now I have to read through all this back and forth arguing to come upon gems like yours that actually address my original post/question. Thank you for responding. I really do want to find a work from home situation, and hope it will work out. Incidentally, the type of work I do is very conducive to being done from home (desktop publishing / editing), so hopefully something will work out. (As you can tell, I don't bother editing my stream-of-consciousness postings on a message board. SORRY - DEBATE board, lol.) Thanks again, I look forward to joining you in the ranks of "motherhood"!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:37am
It was a quick week ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:59am

How did I call in reinforcements? This is the first ivillage board I've used in months, and I don't have any friends on ivillage at all. If people are coming it's not becuase I called them in; it's because they just happened to click here. The only person I talked about this board to is my husband, so don't accuse me of anything.

You can feel what you want, but what you feel and what reality is are two different things. There are many reasons as to why my son and husband aren't often alone together, and it's not solely because I don't enjoy coming home to more work. It's also because I haven't got many places I need or want to go, and also because we prefer family time over individual time.

You can call it backpedaling, but I never said I "really freaking care." You are the ones calling him neglectful, not me; I've only stated that I simply prefer to be there helping out and spending time with my family, not leaving them alone when I could be with them and coming home to more work when I could have already done it in the first place and be sitting there enjoying our time with them.

Now, you can keep passing judgement, making accusations, and telling me how you feel about me. Go ahead. I'm done. I've already stated my side, so keep on attacking. I'm turning a deaf ear now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:03am

"They don't have to be better off...if they are just as good off, why isn't that good enough?

My dh and I are both very smart...that doesn't mean I think we should homeschool. I think school is about a LOT more than learning about the 3R's etc.

And daycare is about a lot more than milk and hugs."

I agree...but I don't believe in doing what's "just as good" for kids. I believe in doing what's best. Homeschooling my child isn't about considering myself smart; it's about believing he'd benefit more from it than he would from public school. Daycare is about a lot more than milk and hugs. Yes, they socialize, but they don't need 8-10 hours a day of socialization with other children if they are at the age that they're going to be in daycare vs public school. At that age, I happen to believe being with your family is more important than spending long hours a day with another caregiver learning to trust others and make friends. I don't think everyone should homeschool, btw, or that daycare is evil--just that 8-10 hours a day of daycare is too much for a child young enough to be in daycare full-time, unless of course it's summer in which case the child would be older. A child's needs, desires, and areas that are developing are different with every age. An older child is prepared for things that a younger child is not--and has different needs as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:04am
That's right, none. You don't have to take childcare education classes to be permitted an opinion, thanks. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:07am
Just because you build your career a certain way doesn't mean it's the only way or that I must do it. I value your input, and I think you're right. I just, however, chose to use other methods of perfecting my writing skills. This is something I do for fun, not development. If "A writer is..." followed by your definition was a suggestion then maybe you should have specified that instead of stating it like a fact--meaning, you just need to be more clear.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:08am

" you've repeatedly had to explain and re-explain yourself on this forum, all because so much of what you said was unclear to others. And you've seemed quite frustrated with having to do all this explaining. If you'd just been clear the first time around, you might not have had to explain so much."

And the reason is because usually I don't have to explain and re-explain. Usually the people I'm talking to don't need me to clarify. They just put two and two together and draw reasonable conclusions, rather than acting as if saying one thing then saying another means that you're changing your mind rather than just building upon it to give a more complete picture. If I say that my husband does X but that right now he does X, they don't assume that he doesn't usually do anything and that I've changed my mind about whether he's home or not. I really think regardless of how much time I spend 'being clear,' there are people on this board who will continue to pull things out of context and try to find inconsistencies to discredit me rather than actually discuss the subject at hand.

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