In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:41pm

"Most of what you have posted here is opinion not research."

Actually several of those webpages are reviewing research done, even showing the actual study done. What is opinion is based on that of medical professionals...but I guess their opinion, like mine, is invalid.

"You really need to know what the consequences of the research you are posting are and the jury is still out and likely will be for a long time on this one."

The consequences? So, first I'm not allowed to have an opinion unless I post the research. My opinion is invalid without it. So, I post some, and I'm told I need to know the consequences of it? What in the heck? The fact of the matter is there is evidence both ways, and if you're all allowed to believe one side of it, I'm certainly allowed to believe the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:46pm

"Are you comparing this forum to other debate forums or to other type forums, support etc?"

I'm not comparing this forum to any forum. I'm comparing how capable you all seem to be of understanding me to how capable those I usually speak to are of understanding me, in or out of a forum.

"We will draw out certain points of your posts to debate."

Why don't you draw out points that are relevant to what I believe about daycare and the issue at hand, rather than my own individual life? I've always beleived debating the issue to be far more productive than picking out posts, trying to prove someone an inconsistent hypocrit, and discredit them for grammatical errors and not being precisely clear when describing their life which isn't really anyone's business to dig up anyway. I've presented a bit of info, only to have people dig deeper and deeper and then freak out when they find out that what's going on now isn't what usually goes on in my life, or to take something out of context and insinuate it has a different meaning than intended. Debating whether or not my husband is home right now or not has absolutely nothing to do with the topic of the debate. Why don't we just call each other names if we're going to discredit each other by grabbing things out of context and twisting them to prove a false point?

"Trying to compare us to a suppport board is like comparing apples and oranges"
Do you think the only people I ever talk to are on support boards? Do you think I've never been on a debate board? Or that I don't talk to people off of boards at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:48pm
That's your opinion. I don't think being seperated from the mother 9.5 hours a day, especially in the early years, is good for any child, unless the mother is neglectful. You can socialize your child without putting him in daycare 9.5 hours a day. And that is my opinion. It's a difference of opinion for everyone, and I respect yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:51pm
Because the world is full of peril, and when danger comes along, I'd rather a person who's going to jump in front of a bullet for my child be there. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! (Sorry, Harry Potter moment...) Chances are low for that to happen, but there are a ton of things that could go wrong. If someone loses my child's hand, and he runs in front of a bus, I'd like to know that whoever is with him is going to do everything they can to get him out of the way even if it means they end up being in front of the bus.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:54pm
I am ordinarily gone from my children 9.5 hours per workday.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:55pm
The amount of time spent doing them is really what I'm referring to. It's one thing to go to school to learn, then do a few activities here & there to socialize, when you're of school age and are more prepared, need that more, etc. and totally another to be 3 years old and in daycare for long hours of the day, doing activities that you could be doing at home in your comfort zone with your mother being influenced more by her than children you're not related to and caregivers who probably won't be around forever. Children need to learn and be socialized to become thriving adults; they don't, however, need that much socialization and structured activity in the early years, not near as much as they need hugs and milk from their parents. That's my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:56pm

"You can't say that an adult wouldn't die for a child unless they were in a situation like that"

I don't think every adult would, and I don't want to wait for that situation to occur to find out if I can avoid it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:57pm
But you can't do that, even as a SAHM, every moment of the day.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:58pm

Do you realize that for children who are in daycare 50 hours a week that daycare is part of their comfort zone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:58pm
My older dd loves to sleep with us. Even now, she'll sometimes crawl in to our bed in the middle of the night. Dd#2, OTOH, doesn't like it. This week, she's been sick and fussy so I brought her to our bed thinking that she'd feel better sleeping next to us. She kept fussing and fussing and finally when we put her back into her crib, she fell asleep right away.

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