In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:59pm

just backing you up here, punkalicorn. i am 33 and have not changed my opinion on this subject, it's too firmly rooted in my values and beliefs. and yes, i have been open to hearing, witnessing, reading about other ways to raise children, but, like you, nothing i've read has been strong enough or convincing enough to change my mind. so it's not necessarily true that your opinion on this will change over the years; don't let people use their age as a weapon against you. age and experience are fine and dandy and do show us a lot of new things, but this is one thing that i think a lot of people stay firm on, whichever side of the debate they fall on.

(and i am sure i'll get all kinds of lashing here - like, why would you listen to the stupid 33-year-old who hasn't even HAD any kids for fear of not being ready or being able to provide for them, and who has such severe illusions as to what good parenting is. i'm not going to bother reading them, so you can save your precious typing time. for my own situation, it has been very smart to not have kids yet, as up until now we wouldn't have been able to provide for them; we've been building ourselves up from ground zero, never had any family assistance of any sort for our college expenses, cars, wedding, or first home purchase, so we had a LOT to pull together on our own and are proud of ourselves for getting these things in order before taking the leap with a few little cutie pie additions to the family.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:59pm
I agree that their needs count as well. I think you have to consider what need is greater and go with that, what's best for the family over all. I think that what's best for the children in many cases it's what's best for the whole family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:02pm
neglectful because only a mother is able to care well enough for a child?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:03pm
I guess we're both "neglectful."
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:05pm

As long as you're doing what you feel is best, great.

As for dual WOHP making it easier to lose one income.... Some will argue that a SAH parent is more capable of a WOH parent to recover from loss of income. The family is used to living on one income, not two. Therefore, mom gets a job and just replaces the income, continues living basically the same lifestyle insofar as money goes...rather than there being a loss of income that cannot be recovered, and the family having to learn how to survive on one income. Moreover, I've known many WOHMs who sit down and look over their finances and realize that most of their income is just in support of bringing in the income. If you cover the expenses of gas, childcare, lunches out, clothing, dry cleaning, etc., it adds up to be quite a bit. I don't remember the exact source, but the number was something like $15,000-20,000 on average spent just for a person to work, if I recall correctly. There are situations obviously where if a woman only makes, say, $22,000, and most of that is going to job-related expenses, she's really not going to lose much by becoming a SAH. And moreover, if the husband does stop bringing in income, mom's money is still going to support the income with maybe the exception of what they'd save on childcare if the husband was able to watch the children. I think it varies from situation to situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:06pm
What do you think goes on at daycare?
You make it sound like infant boot camp. It really isn't.
BTW, what do you think about nannies? since it's not "structured" and "home in comfort zone," that's OK with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:08pm
I've seen good and bad daycare, and I've seen research that suggests quality does make a difference--as well as research that suggests it doesn't. If I could bring in that much I still doubt I'd be working during my children's early years. I doubt I'll lay on my death bed regretting not having a job, but if I were missing many firsts and losing long hours of the day I could have spent with my child, I'd probably regret that more, myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:09pm
I think we notice too. Kids are used to it, so they don't realize how much pressure there is. We do, because we remember being in first grade. My brother was bringing home, in fifth grade, things that resembled what I was learning in 8th! Why are we pushing kids to learn so much so fast now? I don't think in the end they end up with a ton more knowledge than if they learned it slowly, when they were ready, instead of having everything shoved at them as soon as they couldr read it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:09pm

< The family is used to living on one income, not two. Therefore, mom gets a job and just replaces the income, continues living basically the same lifestyle insofar as money goes..>

LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:10pm
LOL. and i used to edit for a living, too! if this were for work, i'd have looked it up, as i knew i might be spelling it wrong. but given this is a message board, i couldn't be bothered. please forgive my lack of editing on this casual forum, as it will surely continue!

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