In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:10pm

"It does however, often come up with new posters as it's hard to get a hang of how one sounds on a debate board."

Good point.

"DJ, is right however....this board, or any board really where you have to get your point across with out visual or verbal clues is a really good tool to develop writing."

And I acknowledge that, but still don't chose to use this time to practice anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:12pm

Your original statement was "A writer..." not "I suggest you..."

But thank you for clarifying that, despite being stated like a fact, it was only a suggestion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:12pm
That makes two of us... LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:15pm
Yep!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:18pm

"You seemed to be not happy with how your dh cares for the child because as you have said you avoid leaving him with your dh very often. If those conditions were acceptable to you, then why would you avoid leaving him alone with him very often? You seem to care, since those are the reasons you stated that you avoid leaving your son with his father."

I don't care THAT much. You all seem to think that if it's enough for me not to want to leave my son's side all the time, it must mean I care a whole super, duper lot--when it doesn't. Family time is just more important to me. Being around to help out is more important.

I'm not perfectly happy with how he cares for the child, and you know what? Neither is he. He acknowledges that I do better with Corbin, that I'm better at getting hiim to cooperate, knowing what he needs to be fed. There are some things Corbin won't even do for him; sometimes, the kid won't even eat unless I'm holding the spoon. Regardless, it doesn't make my husband neglectful, as others are implying. If I thought he was failing to meet our son's needs, I wouldn't ever leave them alone together at all. The only way he'll learn is to do more with him, and right now it's not possible because he's stationed in MS. When he comes back it won't be possible for a while because he's working so we can save and get our finances in shape for our big job switch/move next year.

"You avoid leaving him because of the consequences and now you are saying the consequences don't matter to you?"

No, I'm not saying that they don't matter, just that it's not something I really freaking care about, not something that's extremely important to me, not something I'm passionate about, and certainly not something that makes me think negatively of my husband--as everyone seems to think. It's one reason why I prefer not to go out; it's not something that eats at me when I sleep.

In any case, I avoid leaving my son for other reasons. Simply because I listed one of them does not mean there are not others. Or do I now have to write an essay listing every single reason for every single decision/circumstance of my life, in order to be allowed to do or not do something?

How much clearer can I get? Yes, it matters. But it's not something that tears me apart, invokes my rage, or consider my husband neglectful or a bad father.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:22pm

That's interesting.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:22pm

"Again, you haven't proved anything. Most kids aren't in daycare 8-10 hours a day, however."

And I'm not saying that I have proved anything, only that I have a different opinion. Do we have to PROVE something to have an opinion now? Would hate to get into a religious debate here, then.

"Prove your opinion. Support your opinion with something other than "it's my opinion"."

No. That it's a debate board doesn't mean we aren't allowed to share our opinions, hear what others have to say, and exchange ideas. You don't have to deal in facts and statistical evidence 100% of the time.

"Be specific. What shortcomings are you talking about?"

None specifically, just in general. But, if you want me to be specific, here are some shortcomings I associate with this: detachment from a parent, trust issues, an underdeveloped sense of self-worth, behavioral problems, stress, lack of independence. There are a few that I think can result from being put in daycare for long hours a day. I'm not saying they always will or that other factors will not offset these consequences.

"Most kids aren't in daycare 8-10 hours a day, however."
Regardless, anymore than 4-5 hours a day for me, especially when it's a young child, seems to be too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:24pm
I guess you didn't see the other posts I already made explaining that, so I'm not going to bother explaining the reason again. I'm not going to argue about typos and you and I getting mixed up when it comes to weeks vs months, nor am I going to debate the meaning of the word 'rare.'
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:26pm

"Then why even bother brining up your opinion if you aren't willing to support it, on a debate board no less?"

Because I don't debate to prove anything. If I wanted to prove something I'd right a persuasive paper or a research essay. I debate to get my opinion in the open, hear what others have to say about it, and exchange ideas--not deal in facts and statistics. Debating can be just opinion...and if it can't, well, there wasn't much debating done between Kerry and Bush during the election was there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:27pm
Good for you!

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