In today's economy, how can U stay home?
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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<That's your opinion. I don't think being seperated from the mother 9.5 hours a day, especially in the early years, is good for any child, unless the mother is neglectful. You can socialize your child without putting him in daycare 9.5 hours a day. And that is my opinion. It's a difference of opinion for everyone, and I respect yours. >
First of all I want to say I very much respect your opinion however I disagree with it.
"If you cover the expenses of gas, childcare, lunches out, clothing, dry cleaning, etc., it adds up to be quite a bit. I don't remember the exact source, but the number was something like $15,000-20,000 on average spent just for a person to work, if I recall correctly."
If I quit now we would save about $1200-$1500 per year in work-related costs. That's a drop in the bucket compared to what I bring in. Otoh, my children would lose all trips to visit relatives and all extra curricular activities. Those aren't minor losses for them.
"Some will argue that a SAH parent is more capable of a WOH parent to recover from loss of income. The family is used to living on one income, not two. Therefore, mom gets a job and just replaces the income, continues living basically the same lifestyle insofar as money goes...rather than there being a loss of income that cannot be recovered, and the family having to learn how to survive on one income."
I think this is unrealistic for most families. I know a lot of families for whom this would simply be impossible. In those families, the husband is an engineer or mid-level executive type, and his income is enough to support the family comfortably but not enough to save extensively. The wife, otoh, often has nothing more than a high school diploma, no (or little) job experience and can barely make more than minimum wage. There is no way her salary could even begin to compensate for his or support the lifestyle they are living on the husband's salary.
In other families, the wife has a degree but has been out of the working world for a long time and would struggle to find a job, let alone a decently paying job that would (again) come within even a mile of the husband's salary. For example, I've got both a bachelor's and master's degree and many years' of experience. I was out of the workforce for 6 years. I did manage to get back in again, but only by being willing to work very hard for a pittance of a salary in the first few years. There is absolutely no way we could have survived financially on my salary alone in those first couple of years after I started working again. 5 years in, we can survive now on either my salary or dh's....not happily, but we could somehow manage.
"No, it's not. I am in no way obligated to do anything other than provide the food, clothing, shelter and an education for my child. Everything above that is optional and varies from family to family."
That's opinion. I believe that it's a parent's duty to do what's best, making it obligatory. How you view parenting is your own choice, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to believe parents are obligated to do something.
"OH NO I haven't."
You said you felt a teacher with a passion for teaching would be better to teach your children. That may mean public school or private school, whatever, but the relevant point was that you already stated you probably wouldn't be homeschooling. So excuse me, I should have said "You've already stated that you felt someone other than you would taech them better" be it private, public, or an individual tutor.
"A child doesn't either spend long hours in daycare or spend all of their time with their parent."
No, but the time spent in daycare is still time that could be spent with the parent.
"I think a mixture of both is good....especially as the child gets older."
I agree, and I'm not saying that a mixture isn't good. I just don't want kids in daycare for long hours of the day, especially when they are young.
"You can't make yourself crazy obligating yourself for the best situation at all times....sometimes you settle for okay or average."
Sometomes other people do, but not me. If I'm incapable of doing what's best and have to settle for average, I will...but anytime I can do what's best, I will work my ass off to do it. So far it hasn't made me crazy.
I don't think every adult would, and I don't want to wait for that situation to occur to find out if I can avoid it."
To use another situation that you brought up: a child getting hit by a bus. How do you know how you would react if it was you? You might be in too much shock to jump in front of the bus and have your child avoid the impact. Things happen in the blink of an eye.
" What does your father do that he doesn't get any vacation, that's a bummer."
He's an electrician at a steel plant. He gets a few days of vacation a year, kinda sucks. :/
We're vastly different people.
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"Do you think your child's teacher would take a bullet for your child? How is she going to decide which child to protect?"
I don't, and this is one of the reasons I'm going to homeschool. When I think that the benefits of school outweigh the risks, that it'd be best for him to stop homeschooling, that's when he'll go to school.
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I'm just going by your own words which were that you avoid leaving him alone because xyz happens.
PumpkinAngel
"Anything on the net should be treated as public."
I still don't see what that has to do with anything, being that I've not posted anything here that could be use to do harm to my husband or I. What someone assumes from my post has little effect on us.
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