In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:38pm

one last message to you punkalicorn. keeping up with this message board is like a part-time job, and i just can't stand being in front of the computer screen for any longer than i have to for work, so i'll be stepping out.

anyway, here's what i want to say to you. i think that you are an old soul in a young body, and you have wisdom beyond your years. both your values and your intelligence are impressive and commendable. i had to skip messages 400-600, becuase i was weary from having to hear you REPEATEDLY answer the same questions over and over and over again here. i don't know why you're staying on this board, as they are only going to continue to question you (on the same redundant material) and then shoot you down, using statistics more than anything. i learned that very quickly on this board. yes, i suppose that's the nature of debate. at some point, you'll realize their minds won't be changed anymore than yours will, and you too will step out. anyway, you don't need to debate anything. you know what's right for you in your heart, i can see that right through the internet. you will do wonders as a mother in your life.

also, i have a suggestion for you. though i suspect you won't be interested. you should consider being a lawyer when your time does ease up and you have time to pursue that career. your postings have been more clear, eloquent, heartfelt, convincing, to-the-point, and impressive than anyone's. you've left NO STONE unturned and have addressed every challenge. i suppose i'm slightly biased since i share your opinion on the subject at hand, but i also have immensely enjoyed reading your defenses and opinions for being a sahm.

i wish the best for you and your husband and your young family. and i respect him and find it admirable that he is part of our country's armed forces. at such a young age, taking on such heavy duties (and part-time work to boot!), what an admirable young man, and what an admirable couple/family you are. forge on and hold tight to your beliefs. if there's one thing i've taken away from this board it is that little could convince me that wohm is a better choice for children than sahm. and there's been A LOT of attempted convincing, too! but i guess this is how we learn that we already know who we are and that it doesn't necessarily need to be changed at all.

i'll check in at the end of today, one last time, only to see if i have a response from you. other than that i'm out of here. on to more productive ways of spending my time now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:43pm
Well, we just have our own different values. My husband and I have talked about this many times, and we both agree that unless I need or really want to go somewhere there's no point in leaving just so they can have the house. Spending time together as a family is just more important to us. It doesn't mean I don't value their alone time together; it just means that we value family time more than individual time. That's our choice. I don't avoid it solely because of the way he cares for him. There are many reasons. Do I have to list them all in order for the choices of my life to be respected? My husband do what feels right for us, and my avoiding of leaving them alone does have to do with just not liking to come home and having to pick up. However, there are many other reasons. I'm not going to defend this anymore. It's our choice. We have our reasons. Some are good reasons, some are not. That's that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:43pm

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Oh for peats sake, knock off the dramatics and the implications.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:44pm

Whatever.


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:45pm
That's a good point, but I still think I'm more likely to risk my life for him than a nanny.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:45pm

No, I don't.

But that doesn't mean I won't be fully capable of homeschooling my child. There are many parents who homeschool that do not have a background in education.

The number of children being homeschooled is large and growing all the time, and I know a LOT of parents here that homeschool. Corbin and I attended a homeschool co-op together, where I observed the classes and he played with infants, for several months recently. We stopped going when our life got busier.

There are lots of curriculums which are easy to teach and affordable. There are even organizations where teachers will follow the case of the child and help the parent homeschool.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:46pm

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Well you have heard what we have had to say about it.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:47pm

I am going to reply to this because I believe you will read it and respond to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:48pm

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Exactly and very well said.


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:49pm

He's not in daycare 9.5 hours a day.

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