In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:04pm

Doesn't that seem to be a bit over cautious way to live?


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:05pm

What did you do after highschool, before you got married?


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:06pm

Put it back into context and you might.


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:07pm

"I just saw a news story about a teacher who threw herself in front of an oncoming car to save her students. She died protecting those children, none of whom were hers."

I'm sure there are teachers and nannies and whatnot who would do this, but I don't think every single one in the world would. I'd rather not take my chances. You never know until that moment, and I don't want to wait til that moment to find out if I can avoid it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:07pm

"He's not in daycare 9.5 hours a day. He is away from each of us for that long, but we offset our schedules. I don't consider my care to be any better than my dh's (you say that a child "shouldn't be away from his mother" that long - I consider my dh's care to be equal to mine, better in some respects - more fun, worse in some - bottle instead of breast)."

Obviously, if he's not in daycare for long hours of the day, my statement about long hours of daycare doesn't apply to your situation. As for your care and your DH's care, good for you. That's not my situation.

"And luckily for me, he only sleeps 8 hours at night, so he naps 3 hours during the day. Total awake time away from his parents? 4.5 to 5 hours. Which you might not see as acceptable, but I don't really care. I think it's just fine, and he's enjoying it."

If you think so, it doesn't matter what I think. However, the amount of time he sleeps is irrelevent to me. I think, however, that he only spends 4-5 hours away from his parents a day is great. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:07pm
Because they are there so often that they are used to it...and something being in a child's "comfort zone" doesn't make it right or best. That doesn't mean that the world owuld be better for them if mommy and home was the comfort zone. It just seems wrong to me for a child's comfort zone to be a daycare center. Just sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:08pm

I'm not talking about you leaving the house.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:10pm

Some states in my understanding require you to be a teacher.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:12pm

Thanks, and I agree. I get as tired of hearing how my naive, immature, and ignorant I am because of my age, how my opinions aren't well-formed or based on anything factual because of it, and how different I will feel about everything and values in general as I age, just as tired of hearing that as I'm sure WOHMs get of hearing about the 'dangers of daycare.'

I will say though... your clock is ticking! Once you reach 35 your risk of pregnancy complications and birth defects increase a lot, and that could make it as hard to go through a pregnancy and raise a child as it would have been if you got pregnant too soon.

I'd also like to say... sometimes we don't think we're ready, but we are. You can never be truly 100% prepared for parenthood. I was prepared for late nights with the baby, but no one told me about poopie blow outs that go right up the shirt! You seem very mature, kind, and well-intentioned. I think you'd be a great mother...and I think you'd be able to provide for them. You don't need oodles of money to raise a child, especially if you instill certain values. We stay thrifty, bargain shop, reuse, save, etc. We make very little, yet we've given our child everything so far--even a house of his own to live in, which is something so few people our age do. It's not about how much you make. That's a factor, of course...but it's more about how you manage your money and, well, just being smart about it. Obviously the $80 playpin is just as good as the $200 one, ya know?

So...you can do it. If you want to be a mother I think you should go for it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:15pm

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