In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:29pm

thanks alicorn. yes, i know and agree about the 35 thing, which is why i posted here in the first place. one good thing i have on my side is very, very good genes and good health. my grandmother #1 had 11 children, granny #2 had 5 (but then died very young of diabetes, sure she would've had more if she could've), and my own mom had 6. and i've never smoked, had an abortion or STD, been anorexic/bulemic or any of those things they say definitely reduce your ability to conceive. also, my mom had children up until age 38, and i might add they turned out splendidly! but that said, yes, i do want to get a move on on this family-starting thing... that is why we are going to make those sacrifices. we've decided to sell our home in california and move to a much less expensive state, where our new home will be almost entirely paid-for! which of course means no more major struggling to make the mortgage. greener pastures are growing near...

:-)

it has never been the money that's worried me as far as raising children, it's been the TIME. we are capable of making the money, but at the cost of sacrificing the time. in california, we CAN'T actually afford a home with only one of us working, so that has always been our dilemma. but not anymore; we're putting our CA days behind us in order to embrace our future! and very, very excited about it. you'd laugh if you could see me and my hubby and our excitement every evenign when we get home; we're just giddy with happiness at the possibilities. it's like leaving CA - something we never really considered before - is going to take a great, huge weight off our shoulders.

now i just have to hope our bodies can get the conception job done! wish us luck! it has been a pleasure to meet you / read your posts. reading them and thinking to myself, "now THAT girl has her head on straight!" made me realize how much i agree and want to stick to my guns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:30pm
We have life insurance, SGLI. You can also get disability insurance and other forms to better protect you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:30pm

"No, that's the law. What you believe or don't is not covered under child protection laws. "

Okay, so now law is the only thing that defines our obligations. We don't have obligations to our children, our church, our values, etc. As long as it's legal, go for it? Whatever. Just because something isn't law doesn't mean it's not our duty. But okay... in your life, you're only obligated to do what won't cause you to go to jail. Well, I have different obligations. My obligations aren't just to the government or what the government specifies. My obligations are also to my heart, my children, my values, my religion, etc. Simply because you only feel obligated to do what you must to avoid persecution doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to believe what's best is what we're obligated to do as parents. The law doesn't obligate me to hug my child, but that doesn't mean I don't think I must do it.

"I don't need to spend all of my time with my children anymore than they need to spend all of their time with me. My relationship with my children is not dependent on massive amount of time spent with each other."

The only person using the word 'massive' is you here. I don't think spending LOTS of time in daycare is good for them. That doesn't mean I think children should spend every waking moment with mom and dad.

"There isn't much needed at this point."

Oh? There isn't? So, you mean, I haven't had to make any parenting choices for him yet insofar as what is best? Trying my damnedest to make breastfeeding work, and succeeding, despite having to deal with engorgement, soreness, and mastitius doesn't count? Doing research to choice whether to vax, circ, etc doesn't count? Regardless of age or needs, I face choices all the time in which I have to decide what is best and work my ass off to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:32pm

"That being said you are saying that children in daycare is bad for the children correct?"

No. I've stated over and over that I think children in daycare for long hours is bad, not that any amount of daycare at all is bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:33pm

Best.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:34pm
Well, good for you doing what you think is necessary to give your children the best future! Have you thought of coming to CO? We have great schools and a good real estate market. There are a LOT of people coming from CA and FL here right now. Good luck with everything!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:36pm
I'm not answering this again. I already posted informative about the negative consequences in the form of research. If you didn't read that, I'm certainly not going to bother posting research about the positives of a SAHP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:37pm

constant vigalence?

no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:37pm
LOL, yes, we considered CO, but I'm a bit wussy about the whole snow thing... we are looking at a state very near you, though. oh what the heck, at the risk of putting to much out there and negotiationg my anonymity... we've decided upon Idaho. We're going up next weekend to look at a specific property that we are very excited about! This has all happened so quickly that we sort of feel like it's meant to be... could the planets finally be aligning in our favor? I sure hope so!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:38pm

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He is one.

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