In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:50pm
It's unfortunately true, though. 5 years of parenting will change your mind about a lot of things. I was the same sort of militant with my first child. Then I realized, what I thought was the best isn't always the best. Life happened, I had to get a job, my dh stayed home for a while, we've done all sorts of different things. I SAH now, but I don't think that daycare is evil or bad for children or not the best choice in some situations. I've learned too much to be so arrogant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:50pm

<It varies from child to child but to me anything more than 6 at the most for a child under 4 is too much.>


So again I say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:51pm

<>>


Well heck then I got a million theories!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:52pm
You would get $400,000 from the military if your husband lost his job???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:54pm
There are a lot of psychologists who agree that early and unremembered experiences affect personality- that long term memory is not necessary for an effect to happen. But you've jumped to the unwarranted conclusion that the experience of daycare will have some sort of negative effect on personality development.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:54pm

The point is that you don't have to have the fanciest of the fancy to make do.


I totally agree but all I said was you should know the safety history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:55pm

"Are you talking death or disability?"
Both.

"Do you have enough life insurance on you for your dh to stay at home with your son for 18 years or are we just talking a short time?"
We have enough that Corey could stay home until Corbin is old enough to go to public school. I don't think a child needs at at-home paren for 18 years.

"Enough life insurance to fund college fund, retirement funds and still be able to live?"
Yes, enough that either of us could stay home with Corbin until he goes off to school and still live and enough not to have to work full-time even at that point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:55pm
It depends on what your other options are, how many hours a week your child is in daycare, etc. What's best varies from situation to situation. Sometimes, our children have to be in daycare for long hours, because we have to work and have no other choice but to starve. I'm not going to pass judgement on anyone. No matter how much you tell me, I don't know you or your individual situation. Stating that I feel one should avoid long hours of daycare for your children because of potential dangers isn't judgement, though you seem to believe it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:57pm

Stating that I feel one should avoid long hours of daycare for your children because of potential dangers isn't judgement, though you seem to believe it is.


Yes it is judgement because you have yet to show any medical evidence to back it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:59pm

"Well heck then I got a million theories!!! It must make them all right! I should be a psychologist. I wonder why my friend is wasting all the money to go to college for her theories. I'm sorry, but there has to be some medical evidence to back that up."

Why don't you tell that to Sigmund Freud then, considering I'm just quoting him and those who agree with him? Tell the medical community to stop writing about him in psychology books and teaching his theory in psychology classes.

"if a child loves daycare then how is that going to cause scars?"

Just because a child enjoys something doesn't mean it can't damage him. My son likes to climb on things like he's a monkey, but does that make it best?

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