In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:59pm

If he lost his life, yes.

If he lost his job, no, because it's very rare to lose your job when you're military and under contract. My husband would have to show up work drunk and naked, and even then, he might not get kicked out. You have to mess up to get kicked out. Right now, if he were to screw up and get kicked out, we wouldn't need $400,000 or for me to replace his income. Why? Because his job is in such high demand, right around here, that within weeks he'd have found another job--making almost double what he did in the military.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:00pm
Can, not will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:03pm
No, it's not. Saying that you're a bad parent would be judgemental. Forming an opinion, based on research and experiences that prove it to me, is not. This is obviously a different opinion both about the subject and about what constitutes judgement. I posted evidence and research, as you all asked for. What did you do? Ignore it, and just state that it's invalid...which is what I predicted you would do when I first refused to post any research. Why would I post anymore research and 'evidence' after that? Why would I go look it up, find all these sites that back up what I'm saying with research and medical opinion, just to have it ignored again and then just have someone say "Oh well that's just opinion!" despite that they are links to studies done and the conclusions of those studies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:06pm

Some people give televangelists 1000.00 and think they are saved, it doesn't make it right and it doesn't mean they are.


For me to take stock in anything you say about kids in childcare you have to back it up with fact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:08pm

<Stating that I feel one should avoid long hours of daycare for your children because of potential dangers isn't judgement, though you seem to believe it is.>


Of course you are being judgemental.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:09pm
I'm bowing out. It's tough to keep up. I keep repeating myself, only to answer the same questions again, be forced to be technical with every sentence to the post of exasperation despite it being abundantly clear what my meaning is from context and background of the other posts. I've had my own situation, even my DH, attacked despite having singled out anyone here to judge. I've been told that my opinions are invalid because I have no research, then had the research I posted called invalid and all but ignored. I've been told that I have no basis for anything I'm saying because of my age. I've been accused of things I have not done. I've had things insinuated about me and my comments that aren't true. I've had my comments been twisted around and reworded, in someone else's words not my own, to mean something other than what they clearly meant--the worst possibly thing they could be twisted into meaning, of course. I'm the bad guy, because I don't agree with the bulk of the posters on this thread. Throughout, I've been almost the only person with this point of view. When others who agree come, I get accused of calling in reinforcements when I did not despite the fact that I have yet to accuse anyone of calling in back-up when random new people appear to attack, twist, and contort everything. Either I'm not making myself clear here, or you're all trying to make it seem that way by deliberately twisting things around and inferring the worst. Either way, this is not the kind of debate I'm used to enjoying. I'd rather hear an opinion, state my own, and go back and forth...or see research, consider it, post my own, have it considered, etc. Instead I'm stating my opinion, being told I'm wrong, seeing other people's research, then having my own ignored and called invalid. This isn't the kind of conversation I'm interested in continuing. I like to debate with people who have morals, values, who attempt to understand what is being said without accusing, inferring, and insinuating, people who can respect a differing view, people who will notput words in others mouths, etc. This is not the first debate board I've ever been on, but it is one of the most ridiculous I've seen in terms of what you all consider to be a debate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:10pm
But it's not spending time together any more than cooking dinner in the kitchen while your child plays in the family room is. You're not spending time with each other. You're sleeping.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:11pm
But without WM's there'd be no legislation or any need for it. SAH doesn't support change, it supports going backwards to the 1950's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:12pm
I've given you an honest reason why, from my own opinion, to research, to psychological opinion and theory. It's not judging to believe that daycare is harmful. Having a belief isn't passing judgement. However, since I'm such a judgemental person, I'm bowing out. You all seem to think I am here to change your minds, change your parenting, or prove you wrong. I'm not here to prove anything, just to state my mind, hear the views of others, and have a fair, honest, respectful discussion. I can see it's not possible on this forum, so goodbye.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:13pm

But you specifically talked about the husband losing the job and the wife going to work to replace the lost income. This is what I was addressing:

"And moreover, if the husband does stop bringing in income, mom's money is still going to support the income with maybe the exception of what they'd save on childcare if the husband was able to watch the children. I think it varies from situation to situation."

What would you do if your husband lost his job and was not able to get another one? Could you make enough to support your family? I'm also a bit confused because I vaguely recalled that you were working with Mary Kay and he was working a second job in order to try to compensate for the fact that he will soon be kicked out of the military. Why the extra work if he will so easily double his income once he is free of the military?

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