In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:29pm
Thanks for your feedback cindiloo21! I love hearing things like this. Especially given that we are at least pretty stable right now, have a home, are married, have some savings, have life insurance, and all those other things that go into preparation. But knowing that you're able ot make it work and find it rewarding even WITHOUT all those safety nets set up is very reassuring and refreshing to hear! I wish you and your daughter the best and thank you for your input! (I especially love hearing about people my age and older conceiving easily!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:34pm

Opinions are only valid, in a debate, if they can be supported. Some of the sites you cited are biased. They present only the parts of the research they want you to hear. And yes, even "experts" opinoins are just opinions. Take Jay Belsky, he's been trying to prove SAH is better for many years and can't manage it but hs'e often quoted by those trying to say SAH is better. He gets shot down by his peers all the time. Some people are just determined to prove THEIR opinion. It doesn't matter if they've got a PhD behind their name or not if they don't have a leg to stand on.

And no, I'm not going through biased sites "reviewing" the research. It's a one sided review and I know it. Post some university reviews and I'll read them. I want to see both sides not just what someone who is trying to prove something has to say.

I would suggest you start by reviewing the NICHD study and the numerous university studies that aren't biased. Even PhD's can be biased idiots. Take Laura Schlessenger. She's a prime example of someone with a title who doesn't have a clue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:36pm

When you think about it, what babies need is simply a good environment and good care. If they get that, they don't seem any worse for the wear.

Not only did I go to day care as a child, it was often kith and kin care (the one kind of day care that is very questionable), yet, I have few memories of being in day care and those are when I was probably school aged. I couldn't tell you who took care of me when I was two. That being the case, I hardly think they had much to do with shaping my personality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:37pm
If becomming a parent and living through raising children doesn't change you, nothing will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:40pm

Ah, that's right, your child is glued to your hip.

Most of us, working or not, actually engage in activities, regularly, that involve us doing one thing and our children doing another. It is to this I refer.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with doing something while your child plays. In fact, children learn a lot by trying to figure things out for themselves and doing them for themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:48pm

Ok after reading this post I really have to comment...."He continued to say that during this period a child is responding and absorbing the world around him/her at a rapid pace, concluding that a child’s personality is not predisposed at birth, but grows and develops throughout the early years of life. "

Now most of the people on here know me. I am a sahm to 4 children ranging in age from 8months up to 8 years. So I think I do have some parenting experence. but this statement really struck me.

Now prior to having 4 children heck prior to having 1 child I may have belived that a child's personality is not predisposed at birth, but after having four that guy is a joke. All 4 of my kids are completely different. I have a princess who hates to get dirty, very type A, perfectionist. I have a son who has no fear, off the walls, very sensitive, I have another daughter who is very out going, mouthy, sarcastic, and then we have the baby who is very serious.

They all have been this way since birth. Their basic personlitys havent changed. What has changed is their knowledge of the world around them and their interactions with it. But their basic personlitys are the same as with they were babies.

And I also want to know where are all the studies about children who are with their fathers all day? Because most of your sites seem to be saying that a child can only recive proper care with the mother. And Im sorry but that is incorrect. I do belive that it is great to have a sahp but notice I said parent. Not mother. But parent. Fathers play just as important of a role as mothers do.

Nikole

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:25pm
I see nothing wrong with doing something while a child play. I do see something wrong, however, with me leaving my 14 month-old on his own in another room unsupervised to go do something else around the house, especially now that he's climbing around like a monkey all the time. That I'm with my child so often and keep hiim engaged and supervised doesn't mean I think I'd be wrong if I engaged in activites. It just means that I do not, myself, know anyone that I trust or can afford who would watch my son while I do those activities--also that there isn't much else I feel like doing but spending time with my son right now. So yes, my child is glued to my hip, but saying it like a bad thing is rather rude. I'm not saying you should be with your child 24/7, as I am. I am only saying that throwing them in daycare for many hours a day is wrong to me, not that you shouldn't be allowed to have lives outside of parenthood. Children do learn a lot figuring things out on their own, and he can figure things out on his own with or without me standing nearby watching him, talking to him, and making sure he isn't hanging from the cieling fan. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:28pm

Not everything I posted was biased, and I really doubt everything the WOHM side was totally unbiased. Once again, I'm not going to post anymore research, because you're going to tell me it's not valid, regardless of whether it's a link to a study done or the opinion of a medical professional. Obviously everything I have to say is wrong and invalid, and everything you have to say is right and supported by lots of evidence that is totally unbiased and perfectly complete. Nothing I say or post gets equal credit; therefore, I'm not going any further with it. It's not of value to you, so why bother?

And you can stick your suggestion for me to read up your rear. :) Even a university is run by people, and people are almost always biased. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:30pm
I didn't know that it was a range, only that I had $50,000 as selected by my husband. He dealt with all of that paperwork, not me. Once again, thanks for letting me know. My husband knows quite a bit more than me about all of the military-related stuff. I'm still getting it all done. By the time I'm proficient with the lingo... we'll be civilians!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 11:33pm
I don't mean to be rude, but all that just sounds like a major cop out to me. There are ups and downs, but if you don't have to be rich or upper middle class to raise a good family and be happy. There are places you can live that don't cost so much...and a job that pays less might be worth it if it cost less to live. Also, there have been some horror stories of daycares/preschools, but I think that you are overestimating the risk. There are many establishments that take good, loving care of children while teaching social skills and school readiness skills. You just have to do research, show up for surprise visits, and use your instincts. The way you make it sound, only the extremely wealthy should have children since they can afford to stay at home. And I just don't buy that.

Pages