In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 7:04am
I agree. I spent 12.5 years home and now with 10.5 years back in the work force I am making a whooping $20,000 a year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 7:12am
ITA. I also have three very different children who were different from birth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 10:36am
"Goodbye cruel forum". That's funny.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 10:38am
Whatever. You can be doing one thing while your child is doing another without leaving them unsupervised but be interacting no more than you would be if you were in another room.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:15am

My ORIGINAL statement to you:

Please note the word *perhaps*, commonly used as a suggestion.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:29am
This makes me feel pretty good...'cuz Nicholas is a very happy, laid back baby.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2001
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:32am

My good friend (a man, married, no kids, doesn't want 'em) did something similar.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 11:35am

what the heck are you going to do when your child starts kindergarten? Sit in the classroom every day to protect them from danger?

You must be totally stressed out to be so constantly worried and *vigilant*.

Dj

"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:12pm
When my oldest son was two he had a seizer. Stopped breathing the whole bit. I had just had our 3rd child who was 7 days old at the time. My husband completely froze. Thank god I was a corpsman for the navy because I started rescue breathing on him. I actualy had to stop for a second to tell my husband our address because he was having problems remembering it so that he could tell it to the 911 opperator. Ofcorse it didnt help that the 911 operator told my husband that if the baby was crying it could breath. She was talking about our 7 day old and not our son. Luckly by the time the paramedic's got to our house brad was breathing again and it wasnt an issue. But dh has said since that he never thought he would freeze in that situation. But he did.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:19pm

No, and I addressed some of it. Haven't had time to look through all of it.

As to unbiased stuff, how many pro WOHM websites can you find compared to pro SAH? I challenge you to find 2 sites that are biased against SAHM's. I can find you dozens that are biased agains WM's. Hence, it is far more likely that pro SAH material comes from a biased site.

To stay away from bias, look at university data (non religious universities) or United States government data (I disregard Canadian and UK because those countries have declared WM's so evil they'll pay women not to become one so I consider their material biased to reflect their societal bias against WM's).

Yes there are some differences being found in our children but not in adult children. The fact that they can measure a difference at 3 only means they can measure a difference at 3. It doesn't tell you if that difference actually means something. Take the stress hormone studies. For all we know, the extra stress seen by babies in dc might help their brains to connect in such a way as to make them better able to deal with stress as adults. Infants, to a certain extent, come into this world prepared to have their brains wired to match the society they are born into. Yes they found a difference but that doesn't mean SAH is better. It just means they found a difference.

Ditto for the aggression studies. So what if my 3 yo is more assertive than your 3 yo? Does that really matter WRT how our kids turn out? It's not enough to just cite differences, you need to analyze what those differences actually mean in the long run.

Here's another one. Some researh was done that found that children of WM's are less likely to get A's in school (often runs under misleading headings like "Working moms linked to school FAILURE" (since when is it A's or failed?)). Hmmmm? Why might this be? Could WM's be more into independence and nurturing independence in their kids? Personally, I'd rather my child get a C and do her work herself and learn how to do her work herself than get an A with me helping. And what does this mean in the long run? NOTHING. My kids are still just as likely to go to college, graduate from college and be successful. So who cares if they're getting B's and C'; instead of A's?

You are grasping at any difference as if it shows that SAH is better when they don't.

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