In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:21pm
I've never understood the argument that much of the personality is formed young so day care should be avoided. Do kids who go to day care fail to develop personalities or develop negative personalities??? Seems to me that most kids, regardless of moms working status manage to do this quite well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:09pm
Unless my husband is hit by a drunk driver or falls off a ladder, it's highly unlikely that he'll be wounded at all considering he's never been and never will be anywhere near a combat zone. However, as I've already stated, being covered by SGLI doesn't mean you cannot buy other policies from other places. We have both life insurance and disability coverage--not just from the military. Many life insurances policies, by the way, will pay out if a person is injured and can no longer work, becomes terminally ill, etc. Once again, anyone can avoid financial ruin with adequate planning, and we have planned more than adequately. We're covered. You can keep coming up with all of these "What ifs" but I assure you: we've thought of them. We're not incapable of planning, anticipating the worst, and thinking things through simply because we're young.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:11pm
Conspiracy planned for years, waiting for me? No. Focussing on grammar, my DH, and the clarity of my sentence structure to avoid the subject at hand? Yes. Victim? No. Sick of talking in circles? Yes. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:13pm
I can conceive of it because not every person out there is decent and moral, and not every decent person has the same morals. There are those who would not put their life on the line for a child, and there are those that would even hurt a child. It's not that I cannot conceive of it. It's that I don't want to wait until the moment of truth comes to find out who a person really is. And if you have something better to do than twist words, name call, and talk in circles...why aren't you doing it? Shouldn't you be working?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:16pm

Sure, you can do something while your child does something else and not be interacting, and we do spend some time each day doing that.

But you can also be doing something while your child does something else and be interacting, which is what I do most of the time.

(Waits for the "Oh, but I thought you interacted 24/7?" to come again, and gets ready to respond "I said almost, which meant give or take a few minutes to hours, since you obviously don't understand terms like almost & nearly!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:17pm

Excuse me then. I was referring to the post after your original statement, which stated "A writer" blah blah blah, as if it were a fact.

What stupid technicality shall we debate next?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:19pm
I guess you missed the several posts where I stated I'd be homeschooling the first few years, which means my child probably won't go to kindergarten. However, yes, when he does go to school, I will make sure I chose a school where he will be well-protected, a place that takes security measures to keep the children safe, and an institution I feel I can trust. The difference will be that rather than sending him somewhere for many hours a day so I can go to work (thinking the benefits of him socializing are so immense!), I'll be sending him somewhere for many hours a day to learn so that he can receive a diploma and grow up to be a functioning adult who can read without someone having to clarify every other word. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:20pm
And no, I'm not really stressed out or worried all the time. I'm with my son, keep my eyes open, and take measures to keep him safe...therefore, I don't need to be stressed out or worried.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:23pm
If I were saying I wouldn't freeze, having never been in a situation with my son or anyone else that required me to act fast, I could understand the "You never know!" speech. However, there have been times when I've had to catch my son to keep him from going under in the tub or grab him quickly out of harms way. Therefore, I do know that in a situation requiring quick reflexes, rather than shock, I'd most likely act rather than stand there. That's based on my experience with such moments, not assumptions. But oh wait...I forgot. I've never experienced anything, according to most of the girls on here, because I'm young.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 4:27pm

You can find just as many "formula is just as good as breastmilk" sites but that doesn't make it true. That reflects more on what's normal in society. Most people these days are trying to be politically correct and rather than risk angering a person or causing guilt, they just act as if the alternative to what's best is just as good (ie daycare vs SAHP, formula vs breastmilk). Everyone is playing it safe. I imagine that's why you find so many sites stating that it's perfectly acceptable for moms to work. No one wants to offend anyone. We want moms to feel like they can do whatever they want, so they don't feel guilty. Because this is America, land of self-satisfaction and entitlement.

I plan on teaching my children to deal with stress, rather than forcing him to learn how to deal with it by putting him in a stressful situation.

There's a difference between being assertive and aggressive. I can assert myself without being aggressive.

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