In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:28am
Oh? But why, when daycare is just as good? When it's SO hard to recover from a spouse losing their income when one parent stays home? When children benefit so much from being taken care of by a nonparental unit?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:29am
i would venture a guess that more parents adversely affect their childrens personalities than daycares any day of the week. do you really think your inability to let your child out of your sight is not impacting his personality
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:34am
hey, im a sahm who stil sends thier kids to preschool/daycare because i do think it is just as good and in some ways better
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:36am

I don't know if aggressive is the word to describe that passage...maybe unfair. And unsupported by fact.

God forbid that they, as a society, form an opinion about whether or not mothers should work based on research they've conducted! I suppose they're just not as intelligent as us. Yes, I'm sure they are the ones who are biased. It couldn't possibly be that they see danger in children being placed in daycare for long hours a day when they are terribly young or the benefits of having a surplus of parental involvement, supervision, and time with the child. No. It's because they just think women working is an evil idea. It couldn't possibly be because they value family more than career, self-satisfaction, and the pursuit of happiness. It couldn't possibly be because they believe something is better for the children. It must simply be that they think WMs are just evil, and I'm sure they formed that opinion based on nothing and then managed to do a bunch of research that proved it in their eyes. But we, America, are perfect. We couldn't possibly form a bias based on our own ideals and then do a study trying to prove an opposite hypothesis, center the study around proving that hypothesis, and then conclude that the opposite hypothesis was proven. No. We did the research THEN decided, and they must have decided THEN done some biased research.

I'd be curious to know what kbmammm has to back up this accusation, that they are biased and created biased research on purpose and that we are not biased and created our views based on unbiased research? Is it because she thinks universities do not have agendas? Any organization can be run by a group with an agenda. Look at Walmart, so conservative it won't even publish a humorous book written by Jon Stewart. But, universities are perfect, uncorrupted by the bias of human minds, because the boards of directors, alumni, and others that run the universities have absolutely no opinions or ideas on anything. Is that her logic? Well, it's not proof. I'd like to see some proof that Canada & UK's research is biased, rather than them being biased because of that research. Wouldn't you? I doubt we'll get any. :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:38am
I don't think anything horrible will befall him if I'm not with him constantly. I do however think that should a situation arouse he'd be safer with me than with someone else. If a dcp was family they wouldn't be charging for their service. If I'm going to be seperated from my child for long periods of time, it's going to be for a reason other than "I'm too lazy to plan adequately in case my husband loses his income" or "I need career satisfaction." It's going to be for a reason that truly benefits my child. Being seperated from me for many hours a day does not benefit him, not if he's in daycare so I can work. Being seperated from me to go to school and learn does, but at this age he doesn't need hours and hours of socialization and seperation from his parents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:44am
I don't raise my child the way I do for fear of something bad happening. It is, however, one of the many reasons I have for parenting the way I do. I feel he is better off with me than at daycare. I feel it's better for our bond, for his developing personality, for his forming values, for his speech skills so that he can learn French as well as English, for his sense of security, for his physical protection from harm, for protection of his innocent soul and his young mind, for his behavior. I think he's learning from me much more important things than he'd learn from daycare, and I think my influence is going to help me raise him up the way I feel is best a lot moreso than a DCP. Regardless of what they promise, how nice and trustworthy they seem, and how much experience they have, when I walk out that door, I still have no idea what the heck is going on, what they are saying, doing, how many eyes are on my child, what is being heard by my child. If you want something done right the best thing to do is to do it yourself. I wouldn't want my child being influenced on a daily basis by anyone I didn't know very well. He'll always be influenced by outside sources, but I can keep that in check a lot easier if he's with me than with he's someone else. Now, if my DCP ws my life-long best friend or neighbor, or my aunt, or something, that'd be one thing...but for someone I interviewed and only speak with when I come to drop off and pick up my child, I wouldn't feel I knew them well enough--maybe to leave my kid for an hour or two, but not all day. What areas are school shootings a constant thing, just out of curiosity? I was under the impression that it can and does happen in a variety of settings, from the quiet town of Columbine to poor towns. I didn't know that if an area doesn't have school shootings every month/year/whatever, school aafety isn't an issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:45am
Not really, considering he has minimal job expenses. That is the amount it costs to work a typical office job, and those aren't my numbers. Do your own research. If you don't believe it, I don't really care. That includes the cost of daycare which my husband OBVIOUSLY doesn't have to pay for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:47am
how is the kid ever going to learn to eat without you holding the spoon if you are always there to hold it. you know what, if he misses a meal, so what, it wont kill him and perhaps the next time dad tries to feed him he will eat. and im sorry, if i didnt feel i could leave my kids with their father i would consider him a bad father. and by the way, what is this "if I", "then I wouldnt" crap, is this man not an equal parent to this child. what if you husband said you know i dont like the way you take care of the kid so im not leaving you alone with him. that kid has a right to know his father and to develop a relationship with his father without you in the picture - there is no way my dh would put up with being denied time to develop his relationship with his children on his own in his own way - that is incredibly selfish
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:51am

I would venture to disagree. I'm sure there are neglectful, abusive parents, parents who don't watch what they say and do around their kids, and parents who set a bad example. I'm not the perfect person in the world; no one is. However, no one else has the exact same values, principals, ideals, and beliefs as me. Everyone's personality and view is different, even in some small way. Therefore, the best person to teach my child what I want him to learn is me. I don't think that a parent who is doing their best is going to do a worse job than daycare. I mean, so now the majority of parents adversely affect their kids more than daycare? Well, why would we ever want children around their parents? Why not send them to daycare all day so they can't be negatively affected by their parents, but raised by the perfect DCPs?

And no, being that my son is 14 months old and has no need to be out of my sight, I don't think it's impacting his personality. When he's five or six, maybe. Right now? No. In any case, he's not in my sight every moment of the day, just most of it. I don't believe in leaving him for 8-10 hours a day in daycare, or even 5 or 6. Better to have him constantly in my sight, especially at 14 months, than drop him off with a stranger to frolick with a bunch of other kids with a several kid to one DCP ratio. Yeah, he'll be so much better off there. A person with several kids to one provider ratio is going to be SO much better at supervising and attending to a child than a mother who has the one-on-one ratio. Even when I have 3 kids, I'll probably still be able to give them more individual attention, better supervision, etc. than a daycare provider who has to watch several kids, as well as make sure things stay neat and tidy. At 5 or 6, he'll spend even less time "in my sight," I'm sure. I never said I plan to stare at hiim all day 24/7 for the rest of his life. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:53am
I think it is good for children to meet other kids and be exposed to other caring adults, and I think past a certain age being away from the parents a little while a few times a week, socializing with other kids, meeting other adults is a good thing. I just don't agree that a child 4 and under benefits from being away from their parents several hours a day, nearly everyday. I myself won't be using preschool or daycare most likely. I have considered leaving him for a few hours, maybe one day a week, to get some cleaning, shopping, and errands done. But unless my situation changes and I have to leave him many hours a day, many days a week...I'll be staying away from that. I can expose him to children and other adults without leaving the building, like at the park.

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