In today's economy, how can U stay home?
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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Jennie
"how is the kid ever going to learn to eat without you holding the spoon if you are always there to hold it"
That I'm always watching him to make sure he doesn't climb out of his high chair and bonk his head on the floor dosn't mean I don't allow him to self-feed. At 14 months, I really don't think he needs to be left by himself or seperated from me. (Or is seperation from the mother not critical to the development of a child that can't even pee in a toilet yet much less talk?)
This is the last time I will say this. The way my husband and I chose to raise our son is none of your business. If I don't like to be away from my child, and my husband is okay with that, it's my business. If my son doesn't eat for my husband but will continue to fuss and fret about being hungry until I come home and feed him, and we chose not to put hiim through that, it's our business. If I don't like to come home to more work that I could have just done instead of going off on my own, and my husband is okay with that, it's our business. If my husband and I chose family time over me leaving the house, for no reason, just so they can have it to themselves, that's our business.
"if i didnt feel i could leave my kids with their father i would consider him a bad father. "
Too bad for your husband then, that you base whether he's a good or bad father on how well your children cooperate, whom they favor, and whether or not he's perfect. I don't feel that I can't leave my child with his father; we just prefer not to. You see, I base whether or not my husband is a good or bad father on the love I can see in his eyes when he looks at our son, for the fact that he tries his hardest, for the fact that he'd sacrifice anything for us, for the fact that he works hard to provide for the lifestyle we've agreed is best, for the fact that he can make our son laugh, that he meets our son's needs as best he knows how, on whether or not he'll stay up through the night to help console our son, and other such factors...not whether or not my son enjoys being seperated from me, likes me better (as is typical for a child to go back and forth from favoring one parent to the other throughout life), cooperates better for me, or what he feeds the child. Those are the factors that make us prefer to stay together as a family when we can--not the factors upon which I base my opinion of my husband as a father.
"what if you husband said you know i dont like the way you take care of the kid so im not leaving you alone with him."
I would say "That's fine. You stay here, and we'll do it together so that it will be done in a way we can both agree about." Parenthood is partnership, and that's how we handle it. We don't really need your permission or approval. We're happy with our choices. And once again, it's not that I don't 'like' the way he takes care of the kid. It's that we feel it's best to handle it together. There are many reasons we do what we do...and not one of them is invalid simply because you disagree.
"that kid has a right to know his father and to develop a relationship with his father without you in the picture "
Oh? You mean he can't get to know his father if I'm in the room rolling the ball with them as well? They can't develope a relationship if I'm eating dinner with them? I have to be OUT of the picture for them to get to know each other? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I'm going to tell my husband so he can laugh. If we had it our way neither of us would be 'out of the picture' often at all, we'd be together almost all the time as a family and occasionally alone with each other. We like family time. I don't care if you think that's best. I think we'll decide what our child's rights are, thanks. :) And if I was going to let someone else decide... LOL...it wouldn't be you.
"there is no way my dh would put up with being denied time to develop his relationship with his children on his own in his own way"
My DH knows he can develope his relationship with his child with me there to help out and vice-versa. He does care for the child in his own way. However, if he needs help, I'm there. Likewise, if I'm caring for him and need help, if he's there, he gives the help. It's a partnership. It's not a "You take him for a while, then I'll take him for a while" with us. It's "We do this together whenever we can." That's our philosophy, and I don't care if you think that's selfish. I don't exactly think the decisions of those debating against me on this board are all completely unselfish, but have I singled anyone out to judge them individually for their parenting? Nope. I'm not that rude, and I know how to mind my own business and debate a subject rather than attacking and judging a person.
I'm selfish? Okay. My husband doesn't think so, nor do my friends and family. Not an ounce of my self-worth is tied up in your opinion of me. I think you're rude and nosy, so we're about even.
"I worry about whether my kid will be safe when he does go to school, but he's not there yet so it's really not a huge issue with me just now."
I don't "worry" about what ifs. I locate them, then find a way of dealing with them, then move on. I don't spend all my time thinking up everything that can go wrong. Before I enter a situation I analyze the pros and cons and find ways of insuring us against the things that can go wrong.
I don't let my kid out of my sight because HE IS FOURTEEN MONTHS OLD. To suggest that I'm doing him wrong, before he can even say "mama," by watching hiim to make sure he doesn't climb up the entertainment stand and jump off, is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I don't think it's healthy to watch older kids 24/7, but my son is 14 months old. And refraining from popping them in daycare 8-10 hours a day doesn't mean you're keeping them in your sight 24/7.
No, my child is NOT allowed to play in a room by himself. Why? Because we have two cats and two dogs. Because he's walking and could slip and hit his head at anytime. Because he's learned how to climb and is climbing up things like a little monkey, in every room. Does he know how to entertain hiimself? Sure. Do I let him play without me participating? Sure. Do I continue to interact with him by speaking to him and occasionally jumping into the game? Sure. Do I leave the room? No. Because he can get out of the crib and playpin and thus there is no area where he is safe unless he's being watched. He is 14 months old. I hardly think being alone to scale the furniture is necessary for his development. Once again I don't really care if you disagree. Maybe you don't care if your child knocks his head when you're in a room, but I'd rather be there to prevent the concussion rather than come running in screaming to call 911.
Do you think he will be able to function well as an adult if he is overprotected his entire childhood?
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
Will there come a time when you will feel comfortable letting him grow into some level of independence? Is that something you will be able to respect when he gets to that point? I am asking because I have a 7yo boy who, while still being quite attached to mom, insists that he doesnt need me picking him up from the bus stop, rides his bike the half block to his grandfathers house, etc. and while it was somewhat difficult for me to let him do that kind of stuff initially, I also realized that I had to let him know *I* felt he was capable of being independent, and respected what he wanted.
dj
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
See thats where you are having trouble. Most of us here find debating things kind of fun. Not *stupid*.
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
Heres a thought. If you dont want your personal stuff debated, DONT BRING IT UP. Keep it out of the debate completely. You are the one bringing personal stuff into the debate, how can you expect it NOT to be debated?
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
I started my ds in preschool 2x a week at age 3, then 4x a week at age 4, to ramp him towards kindy. I think its one of the best things I ever did for him.
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
Actually, I mentioned a tidbit of my personal experience, and then was attacked/judged/questioned for it... With every post, people dug deeper and deeper. I volunteered a small amount of information about my life, and people kept asking for more. I should have just refrained from answering; I admit that. However, I didn't broadcast a whole heck of a lot about our actual situation until people started going "what about," "why," "how long," "your husband is evil!" etc. and raiding my profile to try and use the fact that I run an in home business against me.
And how can I expect it not to be debated? Because it's my personal life, and it has little to do with the actual subject. It's just a matter of courtesy NOT to be nosy, not to be rude, not to dig deeper and deeper, and make a person's life the focus of a debate that was supposed to be about SAH/WOH. That's just MY view though, hence the reason I myself haven't dug into anyone's crap, took the small amount of info they volunteered and used it to attack, judge, and question and then dig deeper for more dirt, etc.
So no, I'm NOT the one bringing personal stuff up in the debate. I mentioned a small amount, and then you all kept asking for more. Did I answer? Sure. But did I bring it up? No. The only time I myself borught up Mary Kay was when I was advising someone who wants to SAH on how I do it, not when I was debating; you all brought that up on your own. In any case it's really none of your business, so ask away, but I'm probably not going to answer. Judge away, criticize, advise, whatever you want, I don't care. We're doing what works for us, just as you're doing what works for you. I understand your opinion, and I respect it. I won't, however, let it make me change the way I live my life. Just as you aren't obviously going to let my views change your world.
I prefer to debate politely and to focus on the actual subject, rather than to talk in circles, twist words, attack and judge, and dig up people's personal lives to go around the topic. So here's a few thoughts for you: don't be nosy, don't think because someone says one thing about their life it means everything in it is grounds for debate or that it needs to be debated at all, don't judge/attack people that you don't really know, etc. I can expect whatever I want based on what I think is courteous. People don't have to meet my expectations, but I have the right to have them nonetheless. I came here expecting SAH/WOH, not "My DH is better than yours!" Clearly I've been disappointed by that, but that doesn't mean it was unreasonable for me to expect WOH/SAH on a SAH/WOH board.
Edited 8/27/2006 2:27 am ET by punkalicorn
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