In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:19am
im sorry, i have to disagree, yours posts are some of the rudest i have read on here in along time. you are rude, judgemental and so very naive...... as to your husband, you are right, if he doesnt want a individual relationship with his child that is his right as well as yours to allow it to happen, i just believe it is the child who will be missing out in the long run, but over all i dont really care what happens in your family. you would be amazed at how well your dh could take care of his son if you would just back off and let him do it his way, of course since you have set the kid up to think, even at his young age, that only mom will do it might be a bit mor difficult than it normally would be - but boy, it is oh so worth it to the kid and the father in the end.
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:26am
well, as th eparent of three kids, i do think it is a bit silly that at 14 months old a child can never be out of the sight of his mother - that cant be healthy for the mom or the kid. so what if your kid falls down or bumps his head, do you really think that is the worst thing that is ever going to happen to him - and please tell me you dont think ever bump on the head warrants scraeming and a call to 911. i love my children dearly and because i do i give them the space they need, even as infants to develop into the people they are destined to become. you dont really think the only moms who love their kids are those who cant let them out of their sight and worry about every little pitfall that could befall them
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:26am

I remember being a very young mom of one and feeling that I was the only one who knew anything and that my husband couldnt posably take care of our child as well as I could. I actualy remember the first time I left her with my mom on new years eve I called 6 times in 3 hours just to make sure she was safe.

Now I leave all 4 with my husband at a moments notice and dont even think twice exept to run as fast as I can to the car so he doesnt change his mind....LOL...

The difference is that I have grown up and feel much more confadant in my parenting skills than I did at 19 when I had my first. Ive also learned that their father while he does things vastly different than I do still wont hurt our kids and has their best intrests at heart just like I do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 9:48am

"I think you're rude and nosy, so we're about even."

Tell me why you posted on a public debate board then?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:49am

Hmmm? My child spend 40-45 hours a week in dc and the remaning 123-128 hours a week with me. Do you realize how many hours a child would have to spend in child care to spend more time there than with their parents? (counting sleeping time here since I co-slept LOL.)

Even if you count only waking hours, you're talking more than is allowed by law in my state for a child under 2. If memory serves me correctly, the average number of hours a child spends in day care is 32/week but that includes both full and part time attendance. It would appear that most full time kids have to be around where mine were. 40-45 hours a week which leaves three times that to spend with parents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:51am
Given that parents spend many more years with their children than day care providers, that is likely the case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:52am
Are your ideals so weak that any challenge to them would result in your child abandoning them? If so, I hope you're going to home school because peers are actually our children's biggest influence and their peers will come in all shapes and sizes with their own belief systems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:48pm
I don't know enough French to talk to him exclusively, just enough to kinda get by. I'm actually hoping to learn more of it with him as he learns. :) I have plenty of time to research language acquisition, but I'm sure he'll learn as long as he's being encouraged and exposed to plenty of words. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:50pm

"The fact that I SAH doesn't obligate me to mock working Moms or to pretend that my choice has no risks or consequences"

I don't. Believing that long hours, many days a week in daycare is wrong isn't the same as believing SAHP is correct, mocking working moms, or believing taht working status is the sole or main factor in a child's life. You can work without putting your kids in daycare long hours many days a week. I don't think the benefits of daycare or "risks/consequences" of being a SAHP outweigh the risks of daycare and benefits of being a SAHP, not in the case of young children.

"you would suppose I'd be at work on a Saturday morning."

It wasn't the middle of the night, I don't think, but more in the afternoon or early evening. I'd forgotten it was Saturday. :P But, there are people who work on Saturdays, regardless!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 12:52pm
I posted research already; it was declared in valid. I'm not going to post more only to have them tell me how biased it is, as if everything ever written about the benefits of SAHP is biased. I don't have to back something up to be allowed to believe it and stated that I believe it. If I was calling it fact or trying to prove it I wouldn't have said "I think."

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