In today's economy, how can U stay home?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm |
I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.
However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.
So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.
Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.
HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

Pages
Don't worry. I wasn't going to use the fact that you stated not having many work expenses to argue about the $200 you do spend. It's too insignificant a number. :P
No, not all dual WOH families pay for childcare, nor do they all work in an office. I have nothing against all dual WOH families. I just don't believe children belong in daycare many hours a day several days a week. The income thing isn't something I concocted; it's what I've read over and over about typical work expenses. It may not be true for everyone, but I think it's safe to say that if you do pay for childcare, gas, drycleaning, lunch out, clothing, etc, the expenses do add up.
"if he doesnt want a individual relationship with his child that is his right as well as yours to allow it to happen, "
How is this NOT rude, but stating that I don't believe in long hours of daycare many hours a week is? Just because right now we'd rather be together as a family, rather than finding excuses for me to leave so they can be alone, doesn't mean he doesn't want an individual relationship with his child. You don't have to be alone with someone to form an individual bond with them. Regardless, there will be plenty of time throughout their lives to be alone together. Right now,we'd simply rather be together. How is this NOT judgemental, but it is judgemental if I say I think children are put in daycare too often too young these days? I'm not getting that, but whatever.
"i just believe it is the child who will be missing out in the long run,"
In the long run? You mean the year we're going to have little family time to ensure that we transition from one life to another with ease, instead of having to scramble even faster and work even harder later on? Is that the long run? Because I've never stated that my son and husband never have alone time together or that they never will, only that right now, when my husband is home, we prefer to be together as a family.
"you would be amazed at how well your dh could take care of his son if you would just back off and let him do it his way, "
Not really, considering I already know he takes care of him pretty well. I've stated repeatedly that coming home to having a mess to clean up isn't the only reason why we prefer NOT to find excuses for me to leave. I don't have to walk out of the house for them to be alone together. They are often alone together at night on the weekends, when he takes some night duty, or doing the day on the weekends, when I go out greeting, or when I'm having a bath or taking a break to myself. It's not that they never get time together. It's that I don't look for reasons to leave them alone together and go out shopping or whatnot. I'm still not certain how talking about MY life and whether or not I think small children should be in daycare is more judgemental than telling me to back off of my own husband.
"since you have set the kid up to think, even at his young age, that only mom will do it might be a bit mor difficult than it normally would be "
Right. That's what he thinks. He thinks that only mom can do it. It's not that he favors me. It's not that children go back and forth throughout life favoring one parent and then the other. It's not that he's just used to being with me more often. Even if I were to leave my kid and husband alone every aaking moment he's home, the kid would still get more time with me and probably still prefer me, especially right now. It's not that we think it's a "bit more difficult" It's that we'd rather do it together than find excuses for me to leave. If I'm going somewhere that they don't need or want to come, I'll leave them alone. I just don't go searching for reasons to do it, and I encourage them to come with me just as my husband likes us to come with hiim when he wants to go somewhere.
"i dont really care what happens in your family"
Then shut up about it. For someone who doesn't care you seem to have a vehemently rude, negative, and judgemental opinion of us, despite barely knowing anything about us and assuming from a few posts on the internet that you know everything about our lives, our future, and our abilities as parents. Have I sat here telling anyone how selfish they are? No. If you don't care, then why go on about it? Why take the time to tell me how much I'm harming my 14 month old by staying at home with him, by not leaving the house when my husband gets home at 9 PM so they can bond and thus leaving little to no time for us as a family or a couple. It's not your business. You don't get to decide what I do. I'm not telling anyone here what they should do or how they are screwing up their children, just stating a general belief about long hours of parental seperation. YOU are being MUCh more rude, nosy, and judgemental than I am. And you are the naive one, thinking a few posts on the net give you the right to judge, advise, and assume things about a family.
" i do think it is a bit silly that at 14 months old a child can never be out of the sight of his mother - that cant be healthy for the mom or the kid. so what if your kid falls down or bumps his head, do you really think that is the worst thing that is ever going to happen to him "
You don't know my 14 month old, do you? No, you don't. Yes, I do think falling down and bumping his head can be a very bad thing for him. At an age where even shaking the child can cause brain damage, why would I leave him alone to climb around on things and end up with a concussion, broken limb, etc? Why would I walk away when we have dogs and cats who, despite being very well-mannered, could behave unpredictably because they are animals? Why would he NEED, at 14 months old before he can even speak, to be alone? I'm still waiting for you to post some proof here that he NEEDS to be alone for his development. If he was designed to be on his own this young then he'd be able to take care of himself without climbing up something, falling off of it, and getting a huge bruise on his head. You may think allowing your children to bump their heads all the time is a good thing, but I don't. I believe in supervising my child to prevent that, especially while he's still learning balance, climbing, etc., and is far too young to associate a knock on the head with "I shouldn't do that anymore."
"and please tell me you dont think ever bump on the head warrants scraeming and a call to 911."
Every? No. One that results in endless screaming, unconsciousness, or vomiting? Yes. And when I leave the room, I don't know if he's going to be fine, if he's going to get a little bump, or if h's going to climb up my desk, hit his head on the rocking chair as he falls down, and get a concussion.
"i do i give them the space they need, even as infants to develop into the people they are destined to become."
You don't have to leave your children in a room unsupervised to give them space or for them to develope into the people they are destined to become. My child has plenty of space when I'm on the couch reading a magazine, talking to him occasionally and supervising him. He has plenty of space when he's playing with his toys on the floor nearby while I'm chatting with a relative or making an appointment. Do you have medical proof that babies need to be alone?
"you dont really think the only moms who love their kids are those who cant let them out of their sight and worry about every little pitfall that could befall them"
I sure don't, and I never said anything to that effect. Those or your word and aren't even a twisted interpretation of my own. I've never said anything about anyone loving/not loving their kids. As for me, I don't worry about every little pitfall. You seem to think that I follow him around, 2 steps behind him, all day worrying about how this or that could hurt hiim. No. I stay near him and keep an eye on him, so that if he starts climbing up something, I can come over to spot him. Or if he finds a cracker, and the dog decides it wants it, I can put an end to that. He doesn't need to learn self-defense when he's just a baby, nor does he need to be alone to climb up things. You seem to think the ONLY thing that could happen is a small bump, or that I STARE at hiim all day, or that I think every bump means an ER visit. I don't think it's silly at all. He was out of my sight from time to time, in his crib or playpin for short periods a day, before he learned to climb in and out. Now that he's climbing everywhere, there isn't a saafe place I can leave him. The truth is a small bump isn't the only possibility; concussions, broken limbs, death can all result from letting a child climb up furniture. Interacting and supervising my child doesn't mean I'm in his face all day; it means that I'm nearby, keeping an eye on him, and continuing to chat with him rather than to ignore him. And my son has only been to the ER once, and that was for a high fever--not one of the many bumps he's had. Regardless I'm not going to leave hiim alone and tempt fate.
Now, I'm done defending my choices to you. Just because YOU think my 14-month-old, whom you've never met and have no experience with specifically, needs to be all by himself to develope, that falling off entertainment stands is a normal part of being a toddler that shouldn't be prevented, etc. doesn't mean I have to agree or that I'm any less of a parent for disagreeing with you. I don't care what you think is silly. And supposedly, you don't care about my life. So, why don't you leave it alone? Or keep going on and on, ignoring what I'm saying and picking out certain phrases, trying to get me to repeat myself... Do what you want. But I'm done.
I was 19 when I had Corbin as well. :)
I don't feel I know everything or that my husband isn't as good as me. I do think I'm a better person to make decisions for my child than people on the internet who barely know my family or our situation. I also know that my child isn't as cooperative and that we do a better job when we're together and each feel much more complete when we're all together. I don't NEVER leave them alone together; I just avoid doing it, by not seeking excuses to leave the house. If I'm going to Walmart, I'm probably going to have them come with me, because we like to shop together. If I'm going to the convenience store, I'll leave them alone together. It depends on where I'm going, what the weather is, how much time we have at our disposal, etc. But regardless, it's my choice. I leave them alone at a moment's notice from time to time, to run off and do errands or whatnot. I just don't seek reasons, and I don't leave them alone very often because quite honestly I don't have much of a chance. During the week he's only home maybe two nights, then we have the weekends. That's another reason, lack of time.
And I am confident in my parenting or I wouldn't be on here defending my choices. Or maybe, you know, I shouldn't be defending them. I don't need to prove anything, after all. :P But, my thing isn't that he does things differently. It's that we like to be together as a family, and that's much better than coming home to a mess--which is what I end up coming home to. They've got plenty of time to be together alone throughout their lifetime; I don't need to search for reasons, especially not right now.
Hi DaisyChain9!
I feel for you tremendously! I hope I can offer some hope.
I am a mother of 3, and worked part time/job share in order to stay home as much as possible for my children. I understand that is not always an option, as the cost of living is huge today, just to get by.
I recently went back to work full time, and getting paid very well! But found that it isn't worth it due to the family suffering from lack of mom! So it is necessary for parents to "Be There" for all the little things that occur.
34 is not unusual to start a family these days. Maybe you and your spouse can sit down and analyze your budge to see where you can seriously cut back in your day to day expenses. I am sure that when you really look at what you are willing to give up in order to have a family, you will see that there are a lot of ways to cut back.
In your situation with the 4 hour commute + cost of going to work i.e. meals, clothing, gas, auto expenses etc. If you were able to figure that as removed from your your budget will create a lot of extra funds!
Have a romantic evening of soul searching with your spouse, and run through the suggestions above. I think that when you have this true heart to heart you may really see a way to obtain your hearts desire! Good luck.
MommyCEO2006
I just added the second paragraph to clear up inconstistancies from previous posts.
I understand that you did not make up those numbers. They are numbers that I have often seen myself. But I do think the numbers are greatly inflated and not in line with most peoples working expences. I think having all of those expences and having them add up to those amounts would be more the exception than the rule, not typical.
What is too much and why is it too much? Why would 5 hours more be bad and 5 hours less be good?
If we compare children who went to day care too much to those who did not, what should we notice?
Obviously, much more easily influenced by day care providers than parents whom they live with LOL.
What do you think a dcp would teach your child that you'd disapprove of? Let's see, mine learned sharing, caring for others, waiting their turn and helping out to name a few. Yes, they did get early exposure to country music and that wouldn't have been my choice, lol.
You may find this hard to believe, but parents choose day care providers who reflect their own beliefs and values. Personally, I've welcomed the occaisions where attending day care or school have brought up questions as opportunties to explain my beliefs and values.
So what awful thing would your child learn in day care?
Pages