In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:37pm

Too many to go through, how about a quick review?

How many hours is too many and why? What happens if a child has 5 more hours than too many? 5 less than too many? Let's stand your kids next to mine in 20 years. What differences will we see because mine were in dc too many hours.

You haven't backed anything up WRT how many hours are too many and what these differences we're going to see in our kids down the road are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2006
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 8:37pm

Weren't you the one who counts sleeping hours because you cosleep or do I have you mixed up with someone else?

Even counting just waking hours, do you realize how many hours a child must be in day care to spend more time with their dcp? Assuming they're awake 12 hours a day, they'd have to be spending 42 waking hours in day care. Add nap time and you're up to 55 hours a week. Now you have to add in time to compensate for vacations taken where the children are not in day care, holidays and sick days when parents stay home with kids. But wait, if the child goes to a center, their dcp only works 40 hours a week. Then they have a different dcp. Now we'd have to reduce the parents time with the child to less than, say 27 (40 minus nap time) hours per week in order for one dcp to have more impact.

We're talking 60 hours a week in a home day care just to get even on hours. A lot more in a day care center because you'd have to use it enough to reduce the parents hours to less than that of the primary dcp.

Have you even thought about this? Not only is 60 hours a week not the norm, it's not even legal where I am. 50 hours was the maximum you could have a child under 2 in day care when dd#1 was a baby. The situation where a child spends more time with a dcp than mom and dad is the extreme and then it's not the whole picture. You see, dcp's go away about the time kids start school but mom and dad don't so even if they spent more time with their dcp in the preschool years, when all is said and done, mom and dad are the greater influence.

Why are you so paranoid about someone else influencing your child? Don't you think that there are things that others can teach your children that you don't even know to teach them? Or do you profess to know it all so no one else is needed?




Edited 8/27/2006 8:45 pm ET by kbmammm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 9:43pm

Well, I was going to say thank you for explaining something you posted, but I guess I will pass on that now based on you lovely comments.

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 9:53pm

<<Spousal life insurance is $50,000, not $100,000 btw; however, being covered by SGLI doesn't mean you cannot buy additional policies from other places.>>


How is $50,000 going to support your dh and your son until he reaches school age?

PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-1998
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:07pm

Then perhaps you should stop posting it on a debate board if you don't want comments?


PumpkinAngel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:48pm
Why, to prove they exist? So you're saying there are pro-WOH sites out there that aren't anti-SAH? The sites are pro-WOH AND pro-SAH? Wow! No worder this decision is so tough for women! How do you know the pro-SAH sites are misrepresenting information? Can you prove it? Can you prove their research comes from bias, rather than the other way around? Can you prove that the pro-WOH sites' stance comes from research, rather than the research from bias? Actually, several of the sites I posted, including a study, stated the pros and cons of each choice....but instead of really checking everything I posted out, you read a few things, deemed them invalid, and stopped reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:50pm
It depends on the child. Children aren't ready to be seperated from their mother right from birth. Different children are ready for different things at different ages. They reach developmental milestones at different ages. If a child has several more hours than too many there can be negative affects on the parent-child relationship, the child's behavior such as disobedience and aggression. A child's security, morality, etc. can be affected. There are various outcomes. Not every one of those will be present in every case. There will certainly be cases where there are no negative effects. What differences will we see? Only time will tell. Only you can decide when your child is ready and how much is too much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:51pm
And once again, the sites I referred to made references to numbers of hours and whatnot. I have proved back up; you just, of course, don't acknowledge it. In any case,it's my opinion, and I'm not trying to prove it...so I don't need to back it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:56pm

Once again, it's not about the exact number of hours or spending more time with a certain person than the parent; it's about making that person an equal influence, without knowing them to the core.

I don't want my child exposed to certain things before he's ready. If that makes me paranoid, fine. That's my perrogative. There are things others can teach my children, but that doesn't mean my child needs to be in a daycare center several days a week, several hours a day, with a high child to provider ratio learning from a person I don't truly know. I don't profess to know it all. My child can be exposed to other people WITHOUT spending long times away from his family before he's ready. He can learn from people at the park. He can learn from our friends, our family members, strangers at Walmart. He can learn whatever comes his way. However, until he's ready to take what others say with a grain of salt, old enough to decide for himself what's right, to defend his ideals, to be influenced by ways of thinking that aren't beneficial to his growth as a person, I, my husband, or someone we trust will be nearby to explain to him and to nip the subject in the bud. I don't have to defend my ideals and my principals to you, and I don't need your permission to want to instill certain values and beliefs in my child. Are you done questioning the way I live MY life? Where have I questioned the way you live yours?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 10:58pm
I guess you missed the SEVERAL posts in which I pointed out that being covered by SGLI doesn't mean you can't purchase other policies from other companies. You have no idea how much coverage I have; all you know is that SGLI alone gives me a certain amount. I don't have to tell you, because I don't need to prove to you that we have planned adequately for financial struggle. We're in good shape, and I'm not worried. Thanks for your concern, but this isn't something I have to explain to you. My assets are none of your business. Just know that it is possible to adequately prepare, and we have done so.

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