In today's economy, how can U stay home?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
In today's economy, how can U stay home?
1500
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 2:46pm


I am 33 and am basically now sadly coming to the conclusion that we just can't have kids. I just don't know how people do it. In order to afford our mortgage, my husband and I both have to work full-time. And we bought a home in the least expensive market we could find in proximity to our jobs, so we commute up to four hours a day to make this work.

However, we both agreed, long long ago that we would only have kids if we could raise them ourselves. We just can't in good conscience reconcile the idea of having children and then handing them off to some stranger who is making close to minimum wages to rear them, and who can't possibly care about them as much as we do. And what would be the point? We would miss all their development and "firsts" and wouldn't be a close family, and they would grow up with attachment issues due to rapidly changing daycare staffing. No, if we can't do it the right way, we don't want to do it at all. We feel it's selfish to have them because WE WANT them; we decided long ago only to have them if we felt we could give them a wonderful life filled with love, hope, and opportunity.

So I am getting up there in age now, and I don't see things changing. The only people I see around me having children are people who 1) have family who live close by and can take care of their kids, 2) rich people, or women who marry rich men to be more specific, and 3) people whose families help them out financially.

Is there a chance for two people like us to have a family, when we don't have any of the above advantages? It doesn't seem like it should be THIS impossible! We're both hard workers who make decent money TOGETHER. Separately, it's not enough, but together, it's a good amount.

HOW could we make it happen? I have heard that having children after 34 the risks just go up and up and up, that they may not be healthy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 12:13pm

Ladies just a quick reminder that we need to make sure we are debating issues here and not the person. If we can't stick to debating topics and not the individuals and steer clear of personal attacks, we'll need to close the thread to let everyone cool off.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 12:29pm

thanks momofmany for the great tips! (i am continuing to answer only postings to me that actually address my original post question, rather than waste any more time on the others...)

your perspective encourages me somewhat... we are ALREADY rather frugal folk, though, and where we CURRENTLY live, that just isn't helpful enough to make it possible for us here. we do have used, paid-for cars; don't spend any $ on our commutes as our jobs reimburse us; get lunch provided at work; don't even really KNOW what the "in" brand items would be as we are not fashionable or even itnerested in spending on such silly things; have a modest home that we maintain (don't pay anyone else to do so), etc. But STILL, in California, we are just making ends meet. And "making ends meet" REQUIRES us to both continue this commute for our higher salaries, and hence not have time to be home for any children.

HOWEVER, the good news is that we have decided that this isn't the life we want. We are going to Idaho this weekend to look at property. We plan to sell our home this winter or spring and move out of state, to a state where the cost of living doesn't mean sacrificing all of our time and sending our children to someone else to take care of them Mon-Fri.

The tips you've just given will help us out at that point, when we've moved on and begun our family! Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:28pm
I hope all works out for you in a different state. I was going to make that point and then as I read more in your post you announced it anyway. It sounds like you are making a great move toward a future family!!! Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:47pm
Haha, yeah, it was such a slam, to ask you why you weren't working as a result of not reading the time/date. Oh no, I didn't read the date/time! AHHH! I'm a slammer. Haha. Well, if that was a thinly veiled slam, then the comments you've made about my husband and I were slam dunks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:49pm

Is your child 14 months old?

Then it's understandable that you don't know.

I, however, have a baby who is barely into the toddler stage and, if left alone, can and does get into quite a bit of trouble.

To each their own. I can't imagine why you'd need to know everything about your childs day, but because of my child's age, I do need to know what he's doing so I know he isn't pulling a cat's tail, jerking a dog's ear, or climbing up a bookshelf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:49pm
I think the real question here is do you, considering you're the one calling names, acting as though your personal situation means that my situation is wrong, etc. instead of actually debating. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:50pm
If they are all based on US eastern time then how exactly am I to know what time it is locally when a poster writes?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:52pm
She has the right to believe it and to be taken seriously; that's her religion. You don't have to believe it to take it seriously. My mother thinks much more interesting, far-fetched things, and she has lots to prove it as well. Do I think it's definitely true? No, but I do think there's a possibility, therefore I take it seriously. She deserves not to be scoffed at on internet forums. For the record, I do believe in reincarnation, considering I'm Pagan. You don't have to believe it's true to respect someone's personal beliefs. I don't believe Jesus Christ was the son of God, but I take it very seriously that others believe it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:53pm
I was talking about waking time, and it is possible for a person who spends many hours a day many days a week on a regular basis to be as big an influence on a child as the parents. For example, grandparents don't usually spend oodles of time with their grandchildren, but they are huge influences.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 2:56pm

Taking preventative measures isn't "raising my child for fear of something bad happening." I raise my child to prepare him life. I hold his hand when we cross the street so he doesn't get run over. OH NO! I'm screwing him up so bad by not pushing him off the boat into the pond at 14 months.

I have also heard that even high quality day care can have negative effects, as I've stated repeatedly.

I'm not blasting WOHMs. I'm blasting society's treatment of children. I'm blasting children being put in daycare many hours a day many days a week, when they are too young for kindergarten (which is usually only half a day for a reason). Not all WOHMs do that. I've never said you have to be with your child constantly, just that I think there is a such thing as too much daycare. My child is supervised constantly because he's 14 months old; I doubt that will continue when he's older.

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