Today's Mom a Doormat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Today's Mom a Doormat?
606
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:45pm

This was an article in my local paper. I linked it from John Rosemond's website.


I usually don't agree with him but I thought he made some good points until he got to part 2. The part about serving your husband gave me the heebie-jeebies.


I was thinking about some of this last night when I was cleaning up after my children again. Why don't I make Zak fold clothes and sweep? Why do I let myself get so frustrated when I can make him help out?


Also, and I might get flamed, but I do think some fear of your parents is good. The little boy across the street stole again and was confined to his room. Obviously, the confinement to your room approach is not working. If I had ever stolen from my parents, the results would have been drastic. Confinement to my room would have been the least of my worries.


I want my children to respect me and to fear my reactions to their misbehavior.


edited to put the link in because I am an idiot! (uneducated, you know and not intelluctually stimulating)


http://www.rosemond.com/action.lasso?-response=/1editorialbody.lasso&-token.folder=2004-07-13&-token.story=34987.111111&-token.quiz=doormats&-token.pagelink=&-token.thread=49.111111&-nothing



"When death like a gypsy comes

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:33pm
How can someone answer a question like that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:36pm
It doesn't happen often, but ITA with you. I think it is fine for a parent to occasionaly say, "because I said so", but if a parent does it all the time I think it communicates to the child that they are not worthy of an explanation. I think that parents need to have control over their children, but not to the extent that the child feels devalued. I completely agree with you that a child who is given SOME control over his life and environment will take more responsibility and that is what we are trying to do - raise responsible adults. I also think it is easier to simply control rather than teach. Yes, it can be frustrating sometimes explaining to a concrete child. A very controlling parent who utilizes a military type of parenting may have a compliant and seemingly well disciplined child, but often the child who questions and is permitted to question, is the child whose creativity and wonder remains intact through adulthood. I am happy that my dd not feel anxious to leave home early so that she could feel some control over her own life. I don't believe in treating children like little adults, but I absolutely believe that children fare much better when they are respected and allowed to express themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:40pm

Im not quite sure where you got the idea that my husband wasnt laid back or was militant.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:41pm
Allowing a child to have control over one room in the house, their own, does not equal not teaching them housekeeping skills. I never dictated to my dd how she kept her room, except that it had to be cleaned once per week. She could clutter it all she wanted, but once a week it had to be vacuumed and dusted and her bedding had to be changed. The rest of the house was a different story. She had her chores to do as a contributing member of our household. I employ the same practise with my younger children. I certainly encourage them to keep their rooms tidy, but I only insist that they meet the standards for cleanliness that will ensure a healthy environment. BTW, my dd1 is an exceptional housekeeper - far more organized than her mother.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:44pm
But I think her point is that if you have a family rule that beds are made every morning, then for as long as they live in the house their beds need to be made every morning.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:59pm
I was disputing her contention that not making children keep their rooms in order will result in them not having the ability as an adult to keep a clean home. It all depends on your priorities, but nothing will ensure that your priorities now will become your child's when he/she is an adult. Some children who live under rules such as bed making every morning, never make their bed as an adult - simply because now they don't HAVE to. I personally subscribe to a philosophy of parenting that strives to teach rather than control. I like using natural and logical consequences and attempting to help my children understand the whys in life. Because *I* can't identify a why it is important to make your bed every morning, I don't insist on it. I like a neat and tidy bed, so I make mine, but certainly not because I HAD to as a child. As part of my regular morning routine, I used to make the kids' beds too, but now that they are older (almost 5 and 6), I consider their room to be their responsibility. They are very well aware that it pleases me when their room is tidy and their bed is made - and they like pleasing me so they usually do it. Of course parents are *allowed* to make whatever rules they want to make. I personally prefer to make rules that make sense to the whole family. I have found over the years that children of controlling parents are the most rebellious as teens.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:05pm

I think it depends on how the parents are controling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:15pm
I completely agree that children should speak to their parents in a respectful tone. I also think that parents should speak to chlidren in a respectful tone. I think children learn far more from watching and imitating than they do from punishment and reward. I completely disagree with using food as a reward too. Stickers are fine, but I don't use them either. The problem with external rewards is that they are... well... external. Certainly young children require external rewards to reinforce positive behaviour, but I prefer natural rewards (just as I prefer logical and natural consequences for negative behaviour). A natural reward my children receive when they keep their room tidy is a mother who is pleased with them. That in turn pleases them. I do insist on a fairly high standard of cleanliness, but I don't artificially reward them for meeting expectations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:18pm

Exactly.

Tonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:23pm

The reason I do money/external rewards is for a few reasons.

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