Today's Mom a Doormat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Today's Mom a Doormat?
606
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:45pm

This was an article in my local paper. I linked it from John Rosemond's website.


I usually don't agree with him but I thought he made some good points until he got to part 2. The part about serving your husband gave me the heebie-jeebies.


I was thinking about some of this last night when I was cleaning up after my children again. Why don't I make Zak fold clothes and sweep? Why do I let myself get so frustrated when I can make him help out?


Also, and I might get flamed, but I do think some fear of your parents is good. The little boy across the street stole again and was confined to his room. Obviously, the confinement to your room approach is not working. If I had ever stolen from my parents, the results would have been drastic. Confinement to my room would have been the least of my worries.


I want my children to respect me and to fear my reactions to their misbehavior.


edited to put the link in because I am an idiot! (uneducated, you know and not intelluctually stimulating)


http://www.rosemond.com/action.lasso?-response=/1editorialbody.lasso&-token.folder=2004-07-13&-token.story=34987.111111&-token.quiz=doormats&-token.pagelink=&-token.thread=49.111111&-nothing



"When death like a gypsy comes

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:20pm
Oh yeah, it IS frustrating, but I do believe that those *difficult* children are often the most stable adults. Being assertive is an attribute that serves children well now and in the future. I don't want blind compliance from my children, and I definately don't want them to give it to other adults.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:21pm

Wow!! Still $1.25 for a pack of gum.

Tonya
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:23pm
Ewwwww. You seem to be describing one of those really icky work environments where employer obviously and usually even appropriately holds full power calls the shots...but where there is this whole HR strategy designed to dupe the common employee into believing he/she has some *control*. I think the proper term is *ownership*. Blech. In most environments I've been a part of, millions upon millions of dollars of hr work turns out most importantly and significantly, hundreds of hours of work group entertainment. Its almost always hillarious, sometimes achieves outright ridiculous and occassionally goes so far as to be insulting.

True negotiating involves two sides which are in some way equal, some way which is relevant to the negotiation. Each has something the other wants - there is something in the balance. When it comes to parent/child relationships...well. There aren't too many parent/child situations which meet that criteria. The child usually has nothing in the balance and isn't negotiating anything. The child is meremly trying to manipulate a usually very benevolent dictator into doing what the child would like. Unless of course, you consider something along the lines of "temper tantrum" "sulk" or "smile" to be fair game for negotiation. Or unless I guess you are into beanie babies or pokemon cards.

"Ok. You want to stay up late to finish watching this movie. If you give me 2 beanie babies and 5 pokemon cards, its a deal. What...for that you want to stay up an extra half hour? For the original request you are offering only 1 beanie baby and 2 pokemon cards? Ok NO DEAL. What...now you say 2 beanie babies and 3 pokemon cards. Ok its a deal but MY choice of beanie baby and I want the collectors charmander."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:24pm

Actually, I think I'm the onlyone here who feels it should never be used.

Tonya
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:29pm

Zak is challenging but not really difficult. You just have to stay one step in front of him at all times or he will out smart you.


I took him to grief counseling after Devin died. The therapist has them draw pictures of themselves in the rain. Zak's picture had him as big as the Stay Puff Marshmallow man and the rain drops were really, really small. I want him to keep that self confidence. I don't want to break him. I think his sense of self really helped him get through his father's death.

"When death like a gypsy comes

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

      &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:43pm
I called my husband this am. "Its cleaning lady day. Your stuff is a disaster. Deal with it." The kids and I took care of our disasters last night while he was at his soccer practice. Anyway my *children* did not spend 20yrs being raised in a culture where adult men did nothing at all domestic. They don't have the excuses that their father does for being lazy about house upkeep, and I'm not planning to give them any. And they don't contribute any sort of financial support and they can't be held responsible for much of anything outside the family. With responsibility comes some perks. Like a certain ammount of control. Long term guests on the other hand, are quite subject to my standards - or they wouldn't be my long term guests at my house. Strangely enough, I never had to tell my husbands grandmother to lift a finger, she had them more than busy all the time. My Mom is the same way. My Dad and his wife, or my sister and her husband or one of my best friends and her husband, simply would not be long term guests at my house, unless they consciously agreed to live up to *our* standards. I'd probably make them sign somethign to that effect. Not that I couldn't be flexible to some extent...but I know what the standards of these people are and NO WAY. Another set of friends, I'd practically pay to come live with me...

I negotiate standards with my husband. Then we subject the children to them. As far as a spouse needing to follow the same rules as the children...bwahahahahhaha. I'm not raising MY kids to view life that way. Nope. I'd be out of a job living that way myself. One of our big traders likes to sluff around in his RUNNING GEAR all day. Including after he's gone for his run. Oh yuck. However, that is no reason for me to wear workout gear to work...I'm simply in no position to walk that line. He also recently threatenned to ream someone a new a$$hole. He didn't exactly "get away with it"...he got severly drawn and quartered. But he's still here. I could try that...just to see how employment suits me becuase its a virtual certainty. I suppose I could also move my stuff into my managers office...With position and seniority comes privilege. Oh well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:50pm
Where else are children going to learn negotiating skills if not with peers and sibblings? On the street as child prostetutes cutting a deal with a trick, or selling stolen goods to the pawn shop?

What people are trying to pass off as parent/child negotiations are simply exercises where children learn to manipulate power to suit themselves. Its not negotiation because the child has nothing to offer - unless the treat of temper tantrum or promise of smile are considered fair game. Oh dear. But the ability to manipulate power is not a totally useless skill. Just probably quite a danngerous situation in the hands of the parents who don't really understand what is going on and what skill they are allowing their children to develop when they allow it to happen. And of course, where its allowed to happen too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:21pm
Oh brother. No, I don't negotiate with beanie babies or pokeman cards. Rules, in my home, are not negotiable, because they are not arbitrary. They serve a purpose and everyone understands the purpose. Negoitiation with a child involves, "would you like to have green beans or peas", or other such appropriate CHOICES. Negotiation between a parent/child or an employer/employee are not between persons of equal stature, but that does not mean negotiations can't happen.

Wrt employment, every employee has some control. I have not heard tell of an employer who has the right or the authority to captivate an employee. I'd never work for an employer where I had no control over my job. It is not a perception, it is a reality. Some aspects of any job are not negotiable, as in any arena - home or work. The difference between child and employee is that the adult employee has the option of quitting.

Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:35pm
You have an older child, don't you? Haven't you experienced teen anger? It is very very ugly. My stepson did a *horrible* thing to me when he was 14. It was so bad, I had to resign from being youth group leader at my church.

Did he have underlying issues? Yeah. He was angry we wouldn't let him attend a party because there was no adult supervision.

Not *all* kids have underlying "issues." The teen years are filled with anxiety, anger, hormones, etc. Some very very good parents have some really messed up kids. I know, because I saw them in my youth group.

Just so you know, I *was* abused, dreadfully, and I didn't call CPS. The one time I threatened my mother about doing it, she beat the living crap out of me. I was *too afraid* to call after that.

outside_the_box_mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:04pm
<<>>

Absolutely true. Being *messed up* is an underlying issue. Step children very often have underlying issues, even step kids who don't exhibit any behavior problems. I don't ever mean to imply that if a child has underlying issues, it is the parent's fault. Some kids suffer from depression, mental illness and traumas that the parents have nothing to do with. My children may have emotional problems that surface as behavior problems when they are teens due to losing their father. It certainly isn't my fault that they lost their father, but they may be messed up.

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