Today's Mom a Doormat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Today's Mom a Doormat?
606
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:45pm

This was an article in my local paper. I linked it from John Rosemond's website.


I usually don't agree with him but I thought he made some good points until he got to part 2. The part about serving your husband gave me the heebie-jeebies.


I was thinking about some of this last night when I was cleaning up after my children again. Why don't I make Zak fold clothes and sweep? Why do I let myself get so frustrated when I can make him help out?


Also, and I might get flamed, but I do think some fear of your parents is good. The little boy across the street stole again and was confined to his room. Obviously, the confinement to your room approach is not working. If I had ever stolen from my parents, the results would have been drastic. Confinement to my room would have been the least of my worries.


I want my children to respect me and to fear my reactions to their misbehavior.


edited to put the link in because I am an idiot! (uneducated, you know and not intelluctually stimulating)


http://www.rosemond.com/action.lasso?-response=/1editorialbody.lasso&-token.folder=2004-07-13&-token.story=34987.111111&-token.quiz=doormats&-token.pagelink=&-token.thread=49.111111&-nothing



"When death like a gypsy comes

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2000
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:05pm
But see, maybe if you gave her a better explanation than just saying "because it's bedtime" then the conversation wouldn't have continued to get dragged out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:06pm
ooooooo, lauren. shes saying our brother has more sense than us!!! yikes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:17pm
I see what you mean but I think kids will ultimately cave, although maybe not that particular time. Maybe your dd wasn't that bent on going to the pool anyway so it didn't bother her much. But it's summer. If going to the pool is contingent on picking up her toys, she'll cave next time, or the time after that. I use this with dd (4) and she may stand her ground for one day and the toys don't get picked up that day, but they get picked up the NEXT day and most days thereafter because she can't bear to go without the playground for too long. The way I look at it, it isn't vital that the toys be picked up today- but it is vital that she ultimately learn that chores have to be done sometime.

It is a deal- playground time is exchanged for toy pick-up. But so much of adult life is deals like that; you can buy the TV AFTER you pay the rent and other bills, you can go to Happy Hour AFTER you complete a full day's work.

Avatar for laurenmom2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:18pm
<> People are not saying they're against explaining things. Some of us just get tired of explaining the same thing over and over and over again to our children. I use "because I said so" after I've explained more than several times. Do you explain the same thing over and over and over to your 9 year old? Mine will ask me the same question several times. I'll say, "I've already explained that to you," or "I've already answered your question." Or I'll ignore him after he has repeatedly asked me. Sometimes I will say "Because I said so!" as a last resort.

Nobody here is saying they never explain things to their kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:25pm
I've got to work on "the look" some more. I don't have it down yet but I think I have a few yrs to go as my oldest is a month shy of 5.

I actually agree with that part of the Rosemond article that suggests that children look to parents to set rules, even arbitrary rules like when is bedtime and who is responsible for the taking out the trash, to give the child a sense of security. There's something secure in a curfew even and it tells children they're important. To explain it ad nauseum or to negotiate it to the point of it being meaningless (say, a curfew of 6 a.m.) just takes away the effectiveness and the security of rules.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:40pm
I don't find it offensive to use the "I said so" tool. *I* don't use it, but I don't condemn those who do. I believe that the style of communication you use contributes to the message the child receives. It is important to me that my children get the message I want them to hear. I don't want them to hear "you don't deserve an explanation" or you're opinion doesn't matter to me" which is why I don't say, "because I said so". As I have explained, I don't have any rules in my home that cannot be easily explained in terms they understand. They don't have to ask why a rule exists because they know the answer. If my kids did ask why they have to go to bed, I would simply tell them why - because I said so is not why they need to go to bed. Delay tactics are easily circumvented by starting the bedtime routine early enough to allow for it. My 6 y/o gets that. I start earlier with the almost 5 y/o because she still makes those lame attempts - less and less frequently I might add. I honestly can't think of a time that I have used because I said so - that usually isn't the reason I have my kids do something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:43pm
I think we all agree that we'll explain it like you did on the first time or 2. But when it happens night after night I bet "Because I say so," works because they already know the answer before they've even asked the question and because it seems they are just trying to delay the inevitable.

Will you never use, "Because I said so?" How about if this happens every night for a week?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:47pm

See but when its every day that she asks and we have told her that she has to go to bed at 8pm.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:52pm
I don't agree that these adult lessons have to be taught in childhood. They'll learn soon enough that if they work hard, they can buy the t.v. If it became a battle, I'd leave the messy room and get the children to the playground since it's so beneficial for them to get out. Somedays they'll clean up without being asked twice, but other days they'll delay...just like us adults.

(I personally am not big on making "mini-rewards" contingent on chores anyway. But I'd rather they got outside or did something fun than be penalized for not doing the chore.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:58pm

Exactly....For me it goes this way


DD1 is difiant....She will try everything to get out of doing what I ask her and she will question every thing I say we need to do.


DS is more a conformist.

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