Today's Mom a Doormat?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Today's Mom a Doormat?
606
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 12:45pm

This was an article in my local paper. I linked it from John Rosemond's website.


I usually don't agree with him but I thought he made some good points until he got to part 2. The part about serving your husband gave me the heebie-jeebies.


I was thinking about some of this last night when I was cleaning up after my children again. Why don't I make Zak fold clothes and sweep? Why do I let myself get so frustrated when I can make him help out?


Also, and I might get flamed, but I do think some fear of your parents is good. The little boy across the street stole again and was confined to his room. Obviously, the confinement to your room approach is not working. If I had ever stolen from my parents, the results would have been drastic. Confinement to my room would have been the least of my worries.


I want my children to respect me and to fear my reactions to their misbehavior.


edited to put the link in because I am an idiot! (uneducated, you know and not intelluctually stimulating)


http://www.rosemond.com/action.lasso?-response=/1editorialbody.lasso&-token.folder=2004-07-13&-token.story=34987.111111&-token.quiz=doormats&-token.pagelink=&-token.thread=49.111111&-nothing



"When death like a gypsy comes

"I do not want to be a princess! I want to be myself"

Mallory (age 3)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:01pm
Yes, you're late. Where have you been, Missy? lol

I think we agree rules about health and safety should certainly be explained in full. But after they are explained 3 or 4 times, "because I say so" seems to work and seems to support the Rosemond article IMO that a child needs to see his parent has some power and can discipline, which in turn indicates love in a way.

This is so embarrassing, but when I was in high school, I had a bunch of friends with curfews. I didn't have a curfew and my folks were fine so long as I called at midnight and told them when I'd be home. I complained I didn't have a curfew and my friends did. My parents loved/love me very much, but it was just a moment when I felt that discipline and setting rules meant love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:55pm
No, she was in control. She and I just differ on what we consider abusive. She was in control of our situation in spite of, IMO, crossing the line from time to time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:17pm
<< don't find it offensive to use the "I said so" tool. *I* don't use it, but I don't condemn those who do.>> We agree. My children are under the age of 5 so that issue hasn't arisen - where they ask 5 nights in a row why do they have to go to bed now. When/if it does, I'd be more inclined to say, "Because I need/want you to."

<> Actually, I think most of the rules we've been discussing are very arbitrary and at the parent's whim and, thus, can't really be "explained," and certainly don't require an explanation after the 3 or 4th time the child is required to follow the rule and refuses. Why does a child have to take a bath now, take out the trash now, eat vegetables before dessert? Go to a different house and the rules will be different. (Rules for health and safety, i.e., the car seat/bike helmet, are not arbitrary and call for a detailed explanation.)

Now, if I'm asked Why out of genuine curiosity, I have no problem (trying at least) to explain why it rains, how caterpillars turn into butterflies, why leaves fall.

But I agree with that part of the Rosemond article that the child needs to accept the parent has power to make rules, and in seeing that the parent has power and can discipline, the child feels secure.

You say your 5 yr old still uses dilatory tactics concerning bedtime. Do you explain each night why she/he has to go to bed at that time? What is your explanation? Don't you ever say, "Because I need you to go to bed now?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:22pm
OMG, I completely agree with you. That never happens! lol. LTB
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:28pm
OK, you lost me again. What do you do for a living that yields work which is insulting, entertaining or ridiculous? You've got to break down your posts for me because I don't know all of your background, you have no user profile and you have a lot I agree with, but a lot I never "get."

I think it's a good point that in a young child's mind, undue and lengthy explanation may be misconstrued as an ability to delay or even negotiate a rule, and that, in most cases, I think is a negative when the rule is going to be non-negotiable anyway. A lengthy explanation in that case just results in a frustrated child and parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:28pm
No, it's name calling. Dress it up all you want, it's name calling. Grab every red herring and strawman you want, too, because *I* never said he called all women doormats--that's your attempt to spin this argument away from my FACTUAL point from before,, which is, he name called in that article, just like he has over the years, name called parents who parent in ways he doesn't like. When he disagrees with philosophies, he attacks the PEOPLE not the philosophy. That's why he writes articles calling people names like doormat.

Dance and spin as much as you like, it's name calling. Always has been, always will be.

(Name change to update my pets; this is H&I's Mommy)

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:33pm
Right. Cuz you have all this insight into a child you've never met before.

yes, you have more children than I do. that doesn't give you squat wrt to insight into John and his personality or what would or would not have worked with him. You don't KNOW anything at all about him and certainly not enough for you to be able to assure me that the way I raised hiim did NOT contribute largely to his willingness to obey his Dad and I.

Although I'm sure it's a very comforting thing for you to believe.

Karen

"A pocketknife is like a melody;
sharp in some places,
Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:43pm

You know, the thought of having a child who doesn't question everything gives me chills.


Explaining to a child why a rule exists doesn't mean they don't have to follow it.


IMO parents who aren't willing to explain a rule don't really have a good reason for the rule in the first place. It doesn't take any longer to say "because it keeps you safe", "because your body needs rest", "because you have to wake up early" or "because it will scratch the paint" than it does to say "because I said so."

Avatar for taylormomma
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:46pm

<<He should have to because he lives in the house and is still a minor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:50pm
And to me there comes a point when I have explained it every night for 5 months or I have said it every time we get in a car that I know that they know why they have to go to bed.
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