Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

Pages

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:37pm
I used to listen to Dr. Laura's show and I don't think she ever said that women should bow down to men and they get to call all the shots. I am not a huge fan of hers I think she is a bit harsh and her view of the world does not include any gray areas.

But I must say I have heard her speak on this issue and her view is NOT that you must submit if he says he wants sex. Her view is more along the lines that you shouldn't rebuff your dh just because you weren't thinking of sex AT THE MOMENT. She assumes most couples enjoy sex and the intimacy it can bring and that sometimes you should CONSIDER your partner's feelings even if sex wasn't on your mind.

My feeling (different from Dr. Laura's) is that if either of you is constantly rebuffing the other when it comes to intimacy then something is wrong and you should search for the reasons why you are avoiding intimacy. I don't think you should force yourself to have sex but you should remember that lack of sex can be a warning sign that something else is wrong in the marriage. I don't think couples should brush off a lack of desire without examining why it is occurring.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:41pm
YES!!!!!! Hallelujah. . .Amen. . .Very well said!

Virgo

Virgo
 
Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:41pm
I agree with you 100%. I don't understand why couples get married if they are not interested in making each other happy. I think it is a 2 way street, but it has to start somewhere. Dh shows me he loves me in lots of little ways. I try to show him love back, including wearing sexy attire to bed every now and then.

If dh and I weren't interested in each other's happiness I can really see little reason to be married. What would I need him for other than to make me happy (and vice versa)?

Jenna

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:48pm
But this took years to build up right? There is more at issue than the sex. IMO the lack of desire for sex is a symptom of the poor marriage. The poor marriage is not the result of lack of sex. Therefore, when the lack of sex started it was up to both of you to take it seriously. Apparently he did not and thus it was one reason that the marriage ended (I assume there were others).

So I think that when couples stop wanting each other in bed it is time to find out WHY. Because lack of desire is a very serious symptom of a poor marriage. I am not saying that happily married people are jumping all over each other all the time, just that they WANT to say yes more than unhappily married people so they do.

I think it's a bit simplistic of anyone to say that if you just did X differently you wouldn't have broken up. Most marriages are more complex than that.

Jenna

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:53pm
What about staying and trying to work together to make things better? IMO your dh's incident with the Dr. Laura book was insensitive and a bit clumsy. But it was a call for help, a sign that he WANTED to make things better between the 2 of you. Perhaps with a little professional intervention (not Dr. Laura) things COULD be better.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:07pm

But but but isn't what you are saying contingent on the "we" factor?

Mondo

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:28pm

ITA.


Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:54pm
I don't disagree with anything you say. Marriages are complicated and once they go on the wrong path sometimes it's nearly impossible to right them. But you don't know unless you try.

This message board has it's limitations so I try to be sensitive when posting such things. I am just writing about what I see here, but I realize that I do not have the full picture.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:59pm
Oh, so what is the magic time one should allow in order to descern whether a relationship has reach the point of no return - or not? She IS moving on. I'll make an observation. The timing is incredibly typical and entirely understandable and not altogether inappropriate. My kids are 8 and 10 and the divorce train is full steam ahead now as far as I can see. I have wondered over the years, with a 50% divorce rate, why I knew so few divorced couples...it did occur to me that the ages of the children of most people I knew had something to do with it. Young dependant children distract people from themselves. That only lasts so long. All indications are...I was absolutely correct. I was thousands of miles from home this summer, discussing exactly that issue with women from an entirely different culture. Incredibly, they had exactly the same observations. Why did she stick around? Well first, you want to make sure the boat is really sinking before you abandon ship. Any ship. Second...bailing to keep the boat afloat can make more sense than abandonning ship at certain times of life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:03pm

It

Pages