Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:05pm
Nor I but it was the lesser of the evils. Sometimes the best you can do by your kids is choose the lesser of the evils and make the best of it. I could not have predicted how having kids would change his attitude towards me. If I could have, I would have left before we had kids. Since things changed after they were born, the question had to be what was best for them and the answer to that, until very recently, has been a two parent household.

However, dh upped the price of buying that for my kids to something that would be determental to them. If my girls learned how to hold their own in a lousy marriage for hte sake of their kids for me, I think that would be great but I won't have them learning that they have to change to please someone who puts in no effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:16pm

I don't find your observations true in my experience at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:17pm
Exactly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:20pm
Opinion. Thanks for the support. It is not unreasonable to expect someone to make changes you agreed upon based on things you've learned over the years and it is not reasonable to expect someone to be turned on by someone who shows them gross disrespect day after day. It's hard enough going through this wihtout all the idiots claiming it's my fault and that I should just accept him as he is and deal with it.

Smoking around the kids is wrong. Period. It is not acceptable because I knew he was a smoker before we had kids. It blows my mind that people think this way. It's ok because it was done before? Well, I guess driving around with a baby in your lap is ok too because that was done before. What a stupid statement. When you learn that practices are dangerous, you change the practice. At least someone who gives at $hit does. STBX apparently doesn't. Oh, he does now that it's going to hit him in the pocket book. That part will be fun. He is so screwed if I get the kids.

The next few months are going to be rough. He still hasn't accepted that it's over. I expect it to get ugly for a while. Keep your fingers crossed I get custody. I don't think I could take losing my girls. It's almost comical that now he wants to change when it's too late. I'm done. I've been fighting to keep things together by myself for 9 years. That's enough. It's time for him to move on to wife number 3.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:22pm
Thank you again. You seem to be one of only a few who realize that a smoke free home for my kids is an entitlement not something I should have to earn by putting out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:26pm
YES! No abuse here. Just one selfish SOB of a dh. I decided long ago that it was better for my kids to stay. However, I cannot have my girls watch me do what he wants me to do. When he handed me that book, we went from tolerable for the sake of the kids to intolerable for the sake of the kids. My girls will be farther ahead watching their mother walk out on their father than doing what he wants. I will not send the message to them that they, for whatever reason, have to change to please the man who doesn't have to do anything. I'd be a piss poor example if I did.

And yes, it hurts. My parents were divorced and I swore I'd never do that to my kids but here I am. Fortunately, unlike my mother, I don't need a man in my life to take care of me so I don't need to shop for dh #2 and put my kids through a second marriage and complicate things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:00pm

My husband smokes outside. . .I more than understand the value of a smoke free home. . .the point is that IF his smoking (inside or outside)

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:03pm
And this probably where the crux of our disagreement lies. . .I don't believe in staying in a 'lousy' marriage 'for the kids'. . .it rarely does anything for the kids.

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:07pm

I'm just curious. . .when you decided long ago to just 'stick it out' for the kids. . .did you inform your husband that you didn't love him and you were ONLY staying for the kids?


Did you continue to share a bedroom with him? share a bed?


Did he think the marriage was in the trouble YOU seemed to think it was in at that time?


Virgo
 
Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:41pm
All I can say is that my heart goes out to your daughters. What an awful situation they are in. I know you think you're doing them good, but what you are really teaching them is how to be hard. And the only reason I say that is because I've BTDT and have spent a lifetime trying to overcome not "needing" a man -- a sentiment I learned from my mother. I hear her when I read your posts. I see my former self when I read your posts. Good luck to you. For your girls' sake, I hope they make it through unscathed emotionally.

outside_the_box_mom

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