Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

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Avatar for 1969jets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:37am
You still really don't know what goes on based on what is posted on an internet bb. I happen to think that her dh was trying to save the marriage with the book, although it was a clumsy and awkward move. However, I don't really KNOW that for sure. I don't have a feel for their day to day interactions like I might if I knew them IRL. It's really hard to make snap judgments about people based on what sounds a certain way in print.

Jenna

Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:51am
Especially when the person doing the posting goes back and edits her own replies.

The poster in question has been posting here for a long time and has given us volumes on her personal history. She also spends a great deal of time telling us how she is raising her daughters.

For some people divorcing, like ECSM, I don't know what exactly went on in that relationship because not too much info was posted. So I don't make jugdments and can only send my positive heart vibes. I don't wish divorce on anyone.

But for CLW/GK, she has posted so much and in such personal detail, it's pretty easy to say that both her and her DH have some major problems and that GK herself has alot of unresolved issues from her own childhood. She and her DH need marriage counseling and GK herself needs personal counseling. It is very clear from her posts that she is at much at fault as her DH.

outside_the_box_mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:55am
I don't believe in staying in a lousy marriage "for the kids". I do believe in being careful about making the decision that a marriage will be terminally lousy. Her kids are like 9 and 7. She's obviously not committing any "staying in it for the kids" crime in the way you are desperately trying to imply. You agree with me...or I think you would have been out of your marriage ages ago. Surely... as everyone on this board knows,there were some pretty lousy-marriage moments there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:24pm
LOL. Really. That was classic.
Congratulations! I'm so happy to hear it. I just heard the good news and popped back over, just in case you were still checking in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:55pm
If my husband had an affair, of any kind, it would cause me to become immediately INCREDIBLY unattracted to him. Now, in case it happens, I need to know the rules. Do I run out door and hire the first divorce attorney I can find the minute I discover such a thing...or do I give it some time...see how it goes...try to get past it...find out if I can...see if he's actually sorry...or not...or changed...or changing... Now if I'm supposed to give it some time...how much time? A day? A week? A month? A year? I mean, I have to be honest with you...I expect the sting from something like that to last years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 1:13pm
The sting of something like that DOES last for years, but it doesn't necessarily make you NOT love your spouse. . .mad as hell at them without a doubt, but it doesn't negate years of LOVE. . .and to a degree attraction.

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 1:13pm
In my experience as a military brat, there were many military wives who did not accompany their dhs on his tours of

 

Linda - wife, mother, grandmum                     &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 1:20pm
How in the world can a married person NOT understand! Good grief...marriages are complicated arrangments and they all have good parts and less parts and outright bad parts. And the actions that the married couple with children take affect alot more than just the married couple themselves.

For petes sake, you sound like you're talking about a teenager who isn't thrilled with his pt job at McDonalds. Well if you aren't happy - quit! Why the hell not.

But good grief, even a career or job move descions in the adult world, where people have real responsibilities and actions have far reaching ramifications, involves alot of thought and assessment of all kinds of complicated interrelated factors. How long does one keep a job that is miserable? Does money matter? Is it worth quitting and risking longterm unemployment while hoping for speedy job replacement? Is it worth moving the family? Is it worth a pay cut? Do you take a pay cut for the option of career advancement? What are the chances that the existing job will settle down? Anyone causing trouble likely to be leaving?

Gosh even my relationship with my car is more complicated than the relationship you seem to think defines the marital one. The car is a 1994 AWD Ford Aerostar. Its been peed on, pooped on, puked in by dogs, cats and kids over its life. And it smells it. Its lost all luster. The air conditionning doesn't work. The bumper is broken. Its gives me no pleasure to drive - being in it aggravates me. A window leaks. But its still mechanically very reliable, and its AWD and to replace passenger/cargo capacity and awd function, will cost me twice what I paid for that vehicle. And it was paid off six years ago. On the other hand, kind of nice to have a mechanically reliable safe BEATER vehicle with a big dog and an athletic family and all their athletic friends. Its a very comfortable arrangement in many ways. I know the car, know what works, don't have to worry about wear and tear issues. At some point though...I'm going to have had it and suck it up and go either empty the bank account or buy myself a car loan. Maybe I will just run out of patience first, or maybe the vehicle will loose its reliable edge first. Who knows. Currently I see no vehicle on the market that quite overcomes my disgust with my own vehicle...but its going to happen. I guarantee you, if I find myself looking at a $2000 repair bill...I'll find myself finding a vehicle on the market that I quite like, afterall. It might be this month. Or at least this year. Or heck, there are 12 yr old Ford Aerostars kicking around my neighbourhood...it could be years away. And this is just a car...I love it but I hate it but definitely, the love curve is on top...at some point the curves WILL cross. And as I said, its just a car. We know which way the curves will go and we know they will cross and we can even put a realist upper bound on the when. In a marriage you don't even know any of that. The curves could just turn around and go entirley the other way. You don't know they cross, until they cross. And even after they cross...its not necessarily permanent...they can turn right back around even after that.

The whole thing is worthy of a good deal of thought and hesitation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:12pm

I can only go off of what she says. . .and she said her marriage had been lousy for years and that she was staying in it for the kids until staying married became the lesser of two evils.


I've never denied my marriage has had rough spots. . .but none of those spots equated to 'lousy for years'. . .and during none of those times did I stop loving my husband.

Virgo

Virgo
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:35pm
"It's really hard to make snap judgments about people based on what sounds a certain way in print." Who is making snap judgments (other than perhaps CLW)? She's been going on for months with her claims that her husband is all at fault. Does she really sound like someone who has made a good faith effort to be considerate of her husband's POV? All I see is a whole host of post saying that she ought NOT consider her husband because that would make her - say it with me - a subservient little wimpette.

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