Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:06pm
Yes, and we all hope they're temporary but when something happens to make you realize it's permanent, it's time to jump ship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:06pm
I'm sorry, you appear to be having a delusional moment. This post has nothing to do with anything I have ever said, let alone the post to which you purport to respond. "The whole thing is worthy of a good deal of thought and hesitation." Well, golly gee whiz, I agree with you. That's why I was asking her to back up her statement that she had been fighting for her marriage for the last 9 years. What, exactly, has she done to try to salvage this? 'Cause so far, all I've heard is how she shouldn't have to have done anything because he's the one to blame.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:09pm

I'll field this one.


yes, my cheating spouse turned me off. I was disgusted at the thought of touching him after he'd done THAT with her and disrespected me so brutally. It was a considerable period of time before I could have sex with him again. But we were working on things. He was making (or appeared to be anyway) a real effort to repair things. And the love hadn't gone away; just been pushed into a dark corner.


I got over the disgust. And for a while our sex life was actually better than it had been in years.


Alas, his "reform" wasn't long lived ...


Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color.  Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:19pm
"Unreal" is exactly it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:26pm
Aw, shucks, cupcake, it's easy when you take such pains to keep us so well informed. Thanks!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:30pm
If I had to come down on a side of who is right and who is wrong based just on what I have read here I would probably agree with you and say that it sounds like she is inflexible and not willing to try to save her marriage. But the point I am trying to make is that we really don't know everything that happened and it is hard to really have a feel for a couple's dynamic without having observed the couple in real life.

I know a few couples who have divorced where I feel strongly about who is at fault for the failure of their marriage. But I think it is pretty difficult to really know what went on with this marriage without some knowledge of the real people involved.

If it were me and my dh presented me with a book indicating that he felt neglected I would feel about as small as an ant. But that is because my dh goes out on a limb to make me feel special and I want to make him feel special as well. But we don't know what her dh ever did to make her feel special, if anything. Plus we are hearing about it now, after the decision to divorce has already been made. So she may be seizing the smallest things and blowing them out of proportion to their real significance. Things loook different to you after you have decided the marriage is not worth saving so you report on them differently.

Jenna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:38pm
Ok I think YOU need to hear this.

A lousy marriage is not necessarily one worth ditching. All marriages have lousy periods and they aren't necessarily defined in terms of days or weeks or whatever that special time you have in mind, is. A hopeless marriage is always lousy but a lousy marriage isn't always hopeless. And marriages don't come with stickers and popups saying "Look, its not going to get any better...might as well get off now because you will reach "the limit"."

People do not know they've reached their limit till they've reached their limit.

Its one thing to be in a position where a person has to work really hard to make the marriage work. Its another to be in a position where they have to work really hard to want the marriage. Thats the point of no return, or very unlikely return. It takes some time to get there, usually. And it doesn't always get there. A marriage can be lousy for decades, and never get not lousy, without the point of no return ever being reached. In those kinds of marriages, it can be quite true that staying together is the best thing for everyone. ALOT of marriages exist in that state. When things are far from perfect between a married couple, they can still be far from poison.

When/if it is reached...well people have a couple choices. They can end it, or they can continue. Continuing on together, at that point, without creating a hellish existence, is more than most people can manage. It creates walking dead people. Or it creates people who live their life effectively, outside the marriage. It results in alot of extramarital affairs. It creates parents who share their woes with their children...because they have no ability to keep it within themselves. Its just too hard. It really is one of those situations that pushes the limits of any human being to behave well. It truly poisons any family life that may be trying to exist around it.

You are not understanding Grimal because you, unlike her, have very like not reached your limit. I wouldn't sweat it. When and if you do, you'll know it. Its unlikely you have walked in those shoes as of yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:43pm
Right so you like Grimal stayed with someone who disgusted you. Now, what is the magic time one is allowed to stay with someone who disgusts them, before they should leave? Did you break the same rule Grimal did, according to Virgo?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:49pm
W-H-O-O-S-H.
Avatar for outside_the_box_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:28pm
I'm sorry, but can you please explain again why you had children with this man? First off, did you not see how he treated his children with his first wife? Why did you think he would change when he children he had with you? That is like "relationship 101."

Second, you posted once that you asked him to go out and get milk and he refused. Now, I'm sure that was not the only time that happened . . . did you not get treated like dodo before you had two children with him?

I'm just trying to understand why you had not one, but two children with this man, whom you have protrayed as a vile, disgusting, smoking lazy pig. And why you're surprised things have to come this juncture.

outside_the_box_mom

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