Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 3:41pm
So Virgo knows she doesn't
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:15pm
No need to make it black and white. It is what it is and dc isn't harmful and piano lessons are good. Why is stating something is good black and white? It's a known fact piano lessons are good and that dc is not, intrisically bad. As for my marriage, I'm just finally seeing it for the ruse it was. That is not easy. I'd have a much easier time seeing it as a good marriage that only went bad in the last few years but dh's behavior is really making sense now. The truth is I've been working to save something that never was there. It's time to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:19pm
Yes, showing my girls that they can stand up for themselves is a good thing. What do you think is negative about it? No, I am not going to remake myself in an image Laura S. subscribes to just to please him. You may find this hard to believe, but I'm a person in my own right and no one has the right to tell me what I will be to please them. If dh isn't pleased with me, he needs to find someone he is pleased with.

What I am doing is being the best role model I can be under the circumstances. I doesn't matter which way I go, it will be bad for a while but after the divorce dust settles, life will get better. Staying married, it would never get better because I'm not following the instructions I've been given.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:20pm
LOL, try reading your own posts. You've been spouting about how you have my life all figured out when you don't have a clue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:24pm
Oh do tell how it's my fault.

Is it that I wouldn't let him blow smoke in his kids faces?

Is it that I expected him to help clean the house?

Is it because I refused to consider letting him retire with NOTHING in the way of retirement income?

Exactly what did I do to cause this?

Sorry dear. You're barking up the wrong tree. I'm the reason this marriage stayed together as long as it did not the reason it failed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:26pm
Ah. So you're not going to respond with anything to back up your accusations. Why am I not surprised?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:41pm
Yup. People here know aspects and particular situations. They don't know the 25 year history.

I do have one BIG fault here. I hate to fail. I will strive not to fail long after I should have given up. This marriage should never have lasted as long as it did. Pride goeth before a fall. But, I did get two beautiful children and played the part of a stabilizing force in my ss's lives. Those are the good things that came out of it.

FTR, My ss's are on my side. My MIL, while she doesn't support the divorce, has offered to give her son a talking to, lol, as if that would help. The only people who aren't on my side are people who know a little about the situation and think they know a lot (years ago I actually had a counselor tell me to get a divorce but we were Baptist back then and you DID NOT GET DIVORCED!!!!!). My MIL doesn't know it but she really helped me make the decision to just leave. Even his mother can see it. I didn't want to. It is very hard to admit my marriage is a dismal failure. I do not like to fail. But my ss's understand. The youngest asked me what took me so long. The oldest isn't happy but is supportive. His dad is his hero (he's the one who is not dh's but dh raised him as his son anyway when his first wife left) and he'd much rather see him happy.

The divorce will make most of my family happy. None of them cared for him. My mother told me after the ceremoney "It's not too late to tear up that marriage license". She told me back then that he was just using me. I should have listened to her but I was young and I think in love with the idea of being in loved and being needed. So many people have tried to tell me but I'm too damned stubborn to listen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 4:46pm
"I'm the reason this marriage stayed together as long as it did not the reason it failed." You keep saying this and not providing any support whatsoever for that assertion. Never said you were the reason your marriage failed anyhow, cupcake. Too bad you're absolutely incapable of believing you could have ANYTHING to do with it, though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 5:02pm
Oh, sure, I absolutely agree, his behavior makes PERFECT sense now. Sure, he married someone the age you were and had you SAH with his kids for years because he had you pegged as his big financial ticket. He had his V reversed because he didn't want more kids; he's a good dad and took time off of work to be with them because he clearly doesn't love 'em. His saying that even if he did get full custody, he would let you see them as much as you wanted is a SURE sign that he's just after custody to get your $ - he couldn't possibly be thinking of what's in their best interests or not be interested in hurting you. His having told you that he craved your respect? Sure sign that he doesn't care a fig about what you think. Him crying and saying he'd SAH and take care of you if you wanted? What an unbelievable affront. His wanting to share a bed with you? Self-centered pig is all I can say, plus he's a bit of a male prostitute seeing as how he never loved you and is just after your $. Telling you how proud he was of you? Yup, trying to milk his cash cow, all right. It does indeed make me wonder why you have worked SO HARD all these years trying to keep this marriage healthy - doing what, again, exactly, 'cause I forget that one eensy weensy particular detail?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 5:03pm
Lol, yes I have. The fact I didn't divorce him earlier for his behavior.

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