Traditional roles, Are they really....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traditional roles, Are they really....
886
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:36pm
Even that is hard. Kids shouldn't have to adjust to a new schedule every week or two. Why should their lives be in constant turmoil?

My neice and nephew switch every night. One parent drops them off at school and the other picks them up. They each have a bedroom in each house. The only time I've ever seen joint custody work was a situation where the kids got the house and the parents switched off. We can't afford to maintain three residences though so that is not going to happen. Even that is hard on the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:37pm
You still haven't established just what my fault is, lol. No, I don't believe I'm at fault here. I'm not the one blowing smoke in the others face against their wishes. I wouldn't do that to someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:40pm
Huh? Could you translate that?

Yes, I will be using this against him as I should. It is simply not good for the kids. Period. I've tried all I can to stop the behavior within the marriage. Now I'll stop it outside of it. If that means limited visitation, then that's what it means. The ball is in his court here. He can still establish that he will do the right thing but I doubt he will. I've come to the conclusion that he will not inconvenience himself in the slightest for me or the kids. I expect it will take a court order for him not to smoke around the kids and then he'll limit visition because he can't smoke.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:42pm
Divorce is hard on kids, period. In my experience, joint custody done well doesn't make it any harder and doesn't put their lives in any more turmoil than it already is. Since you are not in the least interested in the importance of your children's father having equal access to his children after the divorce, I guess you would have absolutely no motivation for working out shared custody in a way that would not put the kids' lives in turmoil.


Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:45pm
I'm not the one who was criticized in counseling. In fact, the counselor praised what I had put up with. That really put a damper on counseling because he didn't want to hear that.

Yes, he had his crap to put up with. A wife who refuses to wait on him and let him do what he wants, lol. The book says what he wants a counselor to say. That it's my fault and I should change to suit him. He still won't go back to counseling. He knows what they're going to tell him. He did manage to find a Christian counselor who would say that I needed to work on the marriage but he also said that dh needed to provide for us so I could SAH. He didn't like that so that counselor got replaced.

I told him that I'd start following Dr. Laura's advice the day I quit my job to SAH. That got him mad. He wants to pick and choose the advice he takes. He wants a wife who works and earns an income he can get accustomed to living off of and who takes care of him like he's king of the castle, lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:47pm
It's the whole ball of wax. The book was the last straw. It's never been right but I put up with it (meaning I nagged him out of the house every time he lit up) so the kids would have a two parent household. Being told that I need to change to suit him is way over the edge.

I like how he picks and chooses which advice to listen to. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I'd read the book and start living by it the day I quit my job to SAH, lol. He only wants the parts of her advice that suit him. The book really is written for someone who is SAH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 12:51pm
" It's never been right but I put up with it (meaning I nagged him out of the house every time he lit up)"

Woah, stop the presses! You mean he did actually go out of the house to smoke when you nagged him to? I thought the big issue is that he flat-out refused to leave the house to smoke.


Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:05pm
If equal access means he's free to blow smoke in their faces and leave them without supervision, no, I'm not interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:09pm
Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't, however, you'd think he'd get the message after 9 years. No matter what I brought home for him to read (our pediatrician gave me lots of literature on the effects of second hand smoke) and no matter who told him (his doctor told him not to smoke around the kids) he did what he wanted.

If I got right in his face, he'd usually take it outside after calling me a nag and a bitch or telling me I ought to be nicer to him, unless it was cold or raining then he'd tell me to shove it. Once I go to bed, he lights up. I'd end up coming downstairs and telling him to take it outside and he'd insist that the smoke stays right where he is and doesn't bother anyone else. He also thinks if you crack the window in the car, the smoke all goes outside. Our vacation this year was fun. Not once did he stop to get out of the car and smoke. He just lit up when he wanted to.

Even if he went out every time I nagged him how does that change anything?


Edited 10/2/2004 1:09 pm ET ET by grimalkinskeeper

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2002
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 1:14pm
"Even if he went out every time I nagged him how does that change anything?"

Well, if he had done that...while it would have been exhausting for you, it would be a good sign that he actually cared enough to listen in the end and you wouldn't have felt all the revulsion you did because of his smoking in the house.

Laura

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