Traditional roles, Are they really....
Find a Conversation
Traditional roles, Are they really....
| Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:04am |
healthy for women or men? Let me just preface this by saying I have been living in a traditional role my entire married life. Dh brings home the paycheck and I raise the kids. This past weekend we came from a family gathering that involved all the women working and all of the men sitting and watching sports. Frankly, I am sick of it.I am completely wiped out after those things! I have four kids, two of which are 3 and 5 and need to be supervised, so I am working twice as hard! Just this morning dh told me not to buy anything without clearing it with him first....bleck! I am beginning to feel as if the kids get short changed when families are traditional. Dads don't interact with their kids as much as they should. Moms get to feel like a slave to their families. I am beginning to feel as if it is best for families if the mom at least works part time because then the dh can be more active in parenting and keeping up the household. This is sort of a vent but a debate as well. I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.~Lisa

Pages
People, in general are really inarticulate, especially when it comes to stuff that cuts real close to the heart. It's really hard to get down in there and figure out what's really the issue.
See you can go all kinds of ways. What you did, so classically with the book, is to take the message and bash him over the head with it, which is convenient, when you really don't want to hear how your conduct might be having deleterious effects on your loved ones -- you know, criticism. Unwillingness to hear that, to go deeper, to really listen
puts a damper on counseling and the entire relationship.
But you obviously equate hearing criticism with finding fault. Finding fault is irrelevant. If you really wanted to do everything you could, you could accept it is your responsibility to meet people half way, okay, forget half way. How about sit and listen with your mouth shut for 30 minutes? Accept that without really intending to, your good faith, well motivated conduct might have affected him badly, even if his perspective is unreasonable in the long run. You still have to accept your conduct has an effect. Like his conduct has an effect.
That's what you could have done. That's your responsibility. At the very least.
I'm puzzled by this "He still won't go back to counseling."
Do you?
At this point there is only one thing that would turn this train around and that would be for him to stop drinking and get help. I would have no issue with going into counseling with the counselor who told him he's an alcoholic. When I look back on our marriage, the only time I would call good was when we were Baptist and he didn't drink. He has since decided he has no use for God and lots of use for beer.
He thinks he doesn't have a drinking problem because he doesn't get drunk and he didn't get the DT's when he was in the hospital but he does. The more he drinks, the more issues we have. Can't tell him that though. There is no doubt in my mind he's self medicating with alcohol. When drinking causes issues and you refuse to see those issues, you have a drinking problem.
He's been told by a counselor and his doctor that he's an alcoholic. He's been told not to drink because it compromises his medications for his heart. He's been told by me that he drinks too much. Yet he just keeps on drinking. He has, on a few occaisions, tried to show me he can give up beer. Then he'd drink whiskey, lol. Um, yeah, that shows you're not dependent on beer, lol. I give up. He's going to smoke and drink himself to death and there's no one who can stop him.
He is drinking less since I filed but I'm sure that's short term either way so I might as well get my kids out of this situation. This is hard on them. They love their dad, as they should but I have to do what I believe is right for them and if that means an ugly custody battle, then that is what we'll have. The girls need to be with the more stable parent.
He won't go back to counesling because they won't tell him what he wants to hear. Dr. Laura says what he wants to hear in her book. Hence the book instead of a counselor.
The criticisms of someone who himself is deserving of criticism is irrelevent. He's the one with the problem not me. If he wants a wife who subscribes to Dr. Laura, he needs to go find her. He never will though because he'd never work so his wife could SAH, oh yeah, that's part of her advice he ignores, lol.
Edited 10/2/2004 1:53 pm ET ET by grimalkinskeeper
If he doesn't get drunk, then he is only damaging his own health...he is not putting his children into danger and, again, I fail to see why this should suddenly cause him to lose all chance of taking care of his children on his own.
Laura
Have you sought out counseling for yourself and your girls to get through this? I honestly dont think I have ever seen someone who appears to be so in need of it. You should consider it, for your own sake and that of your children.
And fwiw, I think you should have left your dh long ago-he has always sounded like an a$$ whenever you have described him. But I give you credit for trying to make it work. I hope things work out okay for you and your girls.
dj
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
Besides, what about the importance of fathers in childrens lives? You have ALWAYS touted that. Especially for girls-they need to have their father in their lives. And yes, that means even if he smokes in front of them. If the courts saw smoking as a reason for limited visitation, there'd be tons of people out there every day who had their kids taken away!! You just are not being realistic here.
dj
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
You really need to brush up on the laws in your state AND consult a good lawyer. The things you seem to think are going to hold any credence with a court are, like I said in another post, pretty unrealistic.
dj
Dj
"Now when I need help, I look in the mirror" ~Kanye West~
outside_the_box_mom
I watched my stepsons' mother pull the same crap as you. I listened to them sob to DH on the phone -- "Dad, why can't we see you? Dad, when are you coming home?" She tried to deny custody to their father, too, using the "it's too distruptive" argument. She also told him they didn't need him. Luckily, she didn't have a legal leg to stand on.
Your DH, no matter how much he disgusts you, is YOUR CHILDREN'S FATHER. He has rights. And he deserves your respect -- because he is their father.
I hope your DH gets joint physical custody. Because you think it's hard now. Just wait until you become a divorced parent and have to deal with him on a daily basis concerning the children.
ROFL. You have NO CLUE what you're in for.
outside_the_box_mom
Pages